tune into "good morning america" tomorrow morning for complete coverage of that clash. we're always online at abcnews.com. and we will see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: hey! >> whoa! it's jimmy kimmel. >> dicky: hugh laurie. nicole "snooki" poe lizzy. >> jimmy: i'm not your type. >> aside from looks -- well, you are tan. >> dicky: from "dancing with the stars," chaz bono.

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- hugh laurie. nicole "snooki" polizzi. from "dancing with the stars," chaz bono. and beavis and butt-head. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimm. >> jimmy:. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, what more can i say? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone.

thank you. hi, there, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. and for traveling from near and far to be with us here in the flesh tonight. today is, or was, national greasy foods day. did you remember to fry your lunch? i don't know why today was national greasy foods day. this is america, every day is greasy foods day. but it was because someone decided it, i guess. so, you hear that, michelle obama? you can take your celery sticks and throw them in the deep fryer. hey, guillermo what did you do to celebrate? >> i had tacos, jimmy. >> jimmy: you did? what kind? >> asada. >> jimmy: very nice. were they hard or soft -- >> no, the soft. >> jimmy: oh, the soft, really? is that why you're so soft? >> i think so. >> jimmy: it was a sad greasy foods night for chaz bono tonight. they all are.

are you really shocked? tonight, chaz was eliminated on "dancing with the stars" because, well, because of this. chaz received the lowest score of the night last night. his dance lacked fluidity or maybe it had too much. i'm not -- to be honest, i'm not sure what fluidity means. chaz and his partner lacey will be here later. they were mad last night and they were mad tonight, too. >> overweight woman in this competition, losing weight, they love you. if you are an overweight guy trying to do this, they penalize you for it. bruno makes comments about me being cute and cuddly and this every -- ewok with the princess like this, like i'm so fat troll dancing with this beautiful woman every week, you know? and i'm sick of it. >> jimmy: it's bruno versus bono tonight. i hope he's still mad when he gets here. that is always kind of fun, right? there was some great angry

tweets from chaz's mother cher, too. we'll get to that later. quite a guest lineup here. chaz bono, hugh laurie, snooki, beavis and butt-head. very weird round of speed dating. i have a bone to pick with kim kardashian. last night, during the voting hour for "dancing with the stars," kim tweeted this to her more than 10 million followers. she said, omg, i have justin bieber's phone number. she gives it. call him, he's taking calls for the next hour. it turned out the number was not his, it was the number to vote for her brother on "dancing with the stars." which means she tricked us into voting for him. and i didn't get to talk to justin bieber. [ laughter ] that's cheating, right? she should be in prison for this right now. and i have money on david arquette to win this competition. i don't know what i'm more upset about this. how unfair this is or the fact that kim was actually able to

think of it before i did. i'm mad. the big moment last night was the fight between professional dancer max chmerkovskiy. len criticized his dance with hope solo, max criticized len, then len said, ooich had 50 years experience of dance and max said, well, then, maybe it's time for you to get out of it and then they were all like, talk to the jazz hands, it was uncomfortable. max was so upset, he actually buttoned his shirt. and -- well, in case you missed it here, here it was. >> this is your worst dance of the whole season, in my opinion. and i'm -- i'm so -- do you think i like it? i'm really disappointed -- >> max -- max -- half the fault is yours. >> as long as the audience look our journey, we're good. >> the audience -- let me tell

you, max, the audience liked the affect. they judge on that. i've been in this business for nearly 50 years. >> maybe it's time to get out. >> jimmy: you can see, the audience went bananas. i agree with max, the judges shouldn't be so judgmental. and i don't like this kind of fighting on television. if you want to see an old english guy scream as a shirtless russian guy, i'll go to a party at andy dick's house. also tonight there was a new edition of "the x factor" on fox. 2 1/2 hours. l.a. reed spent the first two hours trying to convince everyone he isn't randy jackson. and it didn't work. tonight's was the first live show of their season. and the producers of the show are worried about paula abdul. paula's been very balanced so far this year and that's no fun

for everyone, anyone. so, simon cowell took matters into his own hands. ♪ now when i say x ♪ y'all say factor >> jimmy: and it worked. it always works. here's something that -- i don't know. i find incredible. this is a real political ad for presidential candidate herman cain. the spot is called "now is the time for action" and it stars his chief of staff, mark block. this might be the strangest ad from a mainstream candidate for president that the world has ever seen. >> mark block here. since january, i've had the privilege of being the chief of staff to herman cain. and the chief operating officer of the friends of herman cain.

i really believe that herman cain will put united back in the united states, and if i didn't believe that i wouldn't be here. we need you to get involved, because together, we can do this. we can take this country back. ♪ i am america ♪ one vote [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's weird, right? herman, what do you want your ad to look like? i think we should get a guy that looks like alex trebek to smoke a cigarette and then i'll stand in front of some blinds and smile in a -- who smokes in an ad? i love everything about this commercial, i love the song, i love the smoking, i love the slightly creepy smile. but i still feel like the ad is missing something. you never actually hear herman

cain speak. we added voiceover and i think it works better like this. >> together, we can do this. we can take this country back. ♪ i am america ♪ one voice >> i'm herman cain, and i approve cigarettes. and if that doesn't make me sound crazy, check out this smile. yeah! 9-9-9! >> jimmy: right? i think he's got my vote. or maybe not. as i'm sure you're well aware, halloween is on monday. i cannot wait. the smiles on those children's faces when they come to the door and taste what's left of the cocktail onions in my refrigerator, it's priceless. it's important to make sure you have candy on hall weep. you know, i understand candy isn't healthy and kids are better off eating apples, but it's halloween. you have to give them candy. when they're teenagers, they'll come back to your home and kill

you. kids want candy. they don't want penny. and this year, they are organizing to make sure that message gets out well in advance of monday night. >> do you know why you're here? >> no. >> remember these? >> they're pennies. >> yeah. the ones you hand out at halloween. so start eating! >> you can't eat pennies. >> you hear that, ben? the lady here says you can't eat pennies. >> smart lady. >> yeah, real smart. now eat the pennies. >> what? no, you can't eat pennies. no, no, i'm sorry, i'll never do it again!

>> eat! eat! >> hand out candy on halloween. not pennies. >> paid for by kids. [ applause ] >> jimmy: something to chew on. we have a good show for you tonight. snooki is here, chaz bono is here, we have music from jubee and the morning after, beavis and butt-head will join us tonight. and we'll be right back with hugh laurie, so stick around. i take my multi-vitamin but wanted to do something more for my nutrition. there's so much information out there. what's good for you today, is bad for you tomorrow. i had no idea what to choose. until i found pronutrients -- a new line of supplements from centrum, who i totally trust. omega-3 supports not only my heart, but my brain and my eyes too. probiotics helps with my digestive balance and my immune function. and fruit & veggie has antioxidant properties. new pronutrients from centrum helps make nutrition possible.

♪ $5 ♪ $5 ♪ $5 footlong [ male announcer ] october's now anytober! any regular footlong is a $5 footlong! startin' at 7am! subway. eat fresh. vo: a breakfast worth waking up for. enjoy the sausage, egg and cheese croissan'wich today. only at burger king.

gives you a 50% annual bonus! so you earn 50% more cash. according to research, everybody likes more cash. well, almost everybody... ♪ would you like 50% more cash? no! but it's more money. [ male announcer ] the new capital one cash rewards card. the card for people who want 50% more cash. what's in your wallet? woah! [ giggles ] >> jimmy: well, welcome back. here to talk about this, her second book, that's right, she's written two books. it's called "confessions of a guidette." nicole "snooki" polizzi is with us. and she just -- she just slightly taller than this book. this is almost actual size right there.

we will have a visit tonight from beavis and butt-head. they come back to mtv on thursday night. fresh from his elimination on "dancing with the stars," chaz bono is here with his partner lacey schwimmer. and he might be mad. then finally, music from the winners of the "samsung at&t summer krush opening act" contest, jubee and the morning after. we should be done with all that just in time for tomorrow night's show with tyra banks, david spade, director brett ratner and music from frank turner. and then thursday, justin timberlake, rebecca romijn and music from the fray. so, join us for those shows, too. this year, our first guest was named the most-watched leading man on television by the guinness book of world records. do you know who he beat out? that's right, david hasselhoff. here he is, in action on "house." >> patriotism is nothing but loyalty to real estate. real estate that is being conquered by 800 different cultures. but each time, it's just the best.

i claim this burger in the name of queen isabella of spain. >> i'll go check on the patient. i have hepatitis c. >> she got it from me. >> jimmy: watch "house" mondays at 9:00 on fox. please say hello to hugh laurie. >> jimmy: how are you? >> very well, thank you. >> jimmy: great to meet you. >> very good to be here. >> jimmy: it's very strange to hear you with an accent. i know you probably get it a lot and it's a testament to how well you do an american accent. >> whishgs thank you. >> jimmy: it makes me question everything i know. >> that was my goal.

when i came to this country. >> jimmy: i was listening to your album, for those who don't know, hugh put out an album -- >> dropped. >> jimmy: dropped, right's right. dropped it like it was hot. "let them talk." it's very, very good. you sing and play the guitar and piano, right? >> i do, yes. >> jimmy: yet, when you sing, you don't have an accent when you sing. >> well, now, wait a minute. i do, it's just not mine. it's yours. i know, because americans obviously assume that the american accent is, like, zero on the scale and everyone else is putting it on. >> jimmy: right. >> not actually like that. though, i will say that my love is -- my first love, really, is american music. it's a whole american musical idiom and to me it's -- that's how it comes out. in the same way that -- i don't want to hear italian opera translated into against lish. that doesn't sound right to me, either. it just sort of has -- >> jimmy: you're not the only

one. like, other than ringo, every british singer sings without a british accent. it's -- >> it's true. there's -- maybe something to do with the rhyming, i think. maybe the american accent rhymes more easily. you can get more rhymes out of it. >> jimmy: what are the rules when you play the blues. you don't have a lot to be blue about. you are doing well for yourself. >> well, that's -- true, fair, fair point. but to me, the blues is as much, can be, is as much a music of joy and exhilaration and celebration as it is about pain and heartache. it has everything. to me, it has every human emotion in it. some of the other emotions up the other end of the scale. but i don't know what -- i don't know, really what the rules are. i love them as songs. these are the songs i loved since i was a small boy. >> jimmy: you've been traveling around, doing live shows and playing, is that -- is that, to me, more fun than acting?

>> it is -- it is -- >> jimmy: a million times more fun, right? >> yes, it is. it's terrifying. i think there is nothing more sort of exposing than actually to get up and bare yourself, musically. >> jimmy: oh, you do it naked? >> i do, i do. >> jimmy: that's a treat. >> it is actually not. but i do have control of the lights. >> jimmy: that's the most important thing. >> yeah. and of course piano player, i sit down most of the time. which, if you are naked, it givens you more -- >> jimmy: it's unsanitary. >> yes. yeah, well, i bring my own stool. >> jimmy: do you sit when you play guitar? he's a doctor! he's a doctor, everyone. "house" is -- we're talking about the guinness world record,

i think people thought i was joking about hasselhoff. but i wasn't. it's about time somebody took him down. >> thank you. >> jimmy: the show is popular in the united states but also all around the world. >> it seems to be. >> jimmy: in what country do you get the most -- is it craziest? >> well, europe has been particular lip crazy. germans, french, italians have been particularly crazy. i don't quite know why it is. i suppose what starts in america sort of sprechlds across the world like ripples across a pond and maybe ten years from now we'll be huge in tokyo, i don't know. but right now it seems to be a european thing. they are nuts for it. >> jimmy: have you been -- >> i have. i braved the streets of paris and hamburg and berlin and they're a little bit strange. >> jimmy: in what way? >> well -- there's -- i was chased. i mean, chased on the scooters, the paparazzi scooters. that's a very exciting thing. i scored two, i knocked two of

them off. but also followed by autograph hunters who -- and they shout my name, germans. i was on a train platform in hamburg and i was followed by these autograph hunters. they go, hugh, hugh, hugh. i said, look, i'm catching a train, i can't. i've got to go. train, leaving, now. this is me speaking german. and they immediately went, ooh, ooh, ooh. which turns out to be the german word for "boo." but i didn't realize. that i just thought they'd gone, they were so delighted by my silhouette, they were like, ooh, ooh. but no. they were actually booing me. they were so affronted by the fact that i wouldn't sign anything. they started tearing up the photographs and throwing them at me like that. saying, "go back to england." i said, that"that's what i'm tr to do, actually, will you'll let me."

>> jimmy: i read that you've been boxing. how frequently do you box? >> i box about once a week. >> jimmy: is this to fight the germans, or is this -- >> well, we've got to be ready. no, i just love it. i have -- >> jimmy: who do you box with? >> small children. [ laughter ] no, i box with various people. i've got to be a bit careful because i did turn up one monday morning on "house" with a black eye. >> jimmy: i was wondering about that. >> not well received. >> jimmy: they'd be unhappy. >> and the black eye, you can hide that, but a broken nose, if they were to happen -- >> jimmy: do you wear head gear? >> i do. all over body gear. >> jimmy: oh, you do? so it's like -- a hugh jackman movie. >> i stay in my house. i love it. i think it is the supreme sport. partly because it's virtually not a sport. it is -- every other sport for a metaphor for what boxing is. >> jimmy: it reminds me a lot of

"dancing with the stars." >> very, very similar. >> jimmy: on "house" you started, your character, i'm sorry, not you, the character with the american accept, ycena began the season this year in jail. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: now you are out. >> yes. >> jimmy: have you actually been in jail? >> what a question. no, i haven't. i haven't, actually. >> jimmy: would you like to go? >> i so completely wouldn't. if it is in your power to withhold that, i would be grateful if i could not please go to jail. >> jimmy: i'll make some calls and see if we can get you -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: so nothing terrible has happened to you in your past, hold up a liquor store? >> well, didn't get caught. my first advice. no, prison, not -- not a fun place. really isn't. >> jimmy: that's what i've hear, too. but until you try it, you really don't know. >> right, right. >> jimmy: well, by the way the album, again, i listened to it, i'm skeptical because a lot of celebrities like to --

>> i know. >> jimmy: and they're terrible and it's embarrassing and i have to lie to them when they come out here. >> are you doing that now? >> jimmy: i am not. i -- >> how would i know? >> jimmy: i would just blow right by it. great album. and i understand you have an animated christmas special coming out, as well. >> yes. a film called "arthur christmas." i am playing the father christmas's brother. >> jimmy: what accent will father christmas -- >> he will be british. >> jimmy: that's unacceptable. >> is it? that's an interesting thing. >> jimmy: santa is an american. >> i know. i don't know. i know that you're wrong, but -- i understand why you would cling to that. >> jimmy: well, thank you. we'll see who gets gifts this year and then we'll know. hugh laurie, everyone. "house" is on monday night at 9:00 on the fox network. we'll be right back with snooki. [ male announcer ] at&t and verizon charge you extra

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>> jimmy: hi there. still to come, chaz bono will be here. our next guest tonight has grown from reality tv star to literal giant, despite being no taller than a house plant. she has just published this, her second book. it is called "confessions of a g guidett." please say hello to nicole is "snooki" polizzi. >> jimmy: you look great. you have a lot of stuff on. >> i like to be out there. >> jimmy: it looks like, going through the airport like that could take you hours. >> do i it after i land.

>> jimmy: you do. is that real metal? >> no, i got it like, you know, the two cent store, so. >> jimmy: i got you. very good to see you. not one, but two books now. >> isn't that schocool? >> jimmy: and a third book coming out. >> "gorilla beach." a sequel to "shore thing." you knoll how i like the gorillas. >> jimmy: you do. and this is all in the span of one year this is incredible to me. it takes j.k. rowling, it takes her three years -- >> don't know who that is, but i'm here. >> jimmy: she wrote "harry potter." >> oh, okay. those movies are cool. yeah. >> jimmy: but you are very prolific. i mean, you back these books out. you get them out there, right? >> i can't really type, you know, with these nails. they're pretty serious. so, you know, i just talk it out on a recorder and that's that. >> jimmy: we had someone go through this book today the accounting team of earnst and young and they found that the world friggin is used 74 times.

>> that's it? >> jimmy: that breaks the record previously held by dr. maya angelou and her book of poetry. >> i don't know who that is. i don't know who anybody is. >> jimmy: i learned some things about you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: for one thing, i did not know that your cat is gay. >> he is. i swear. i have -- i have three cats, rocky, tommy and vito. and vito, right off when he came out of that cats [ bleep ], i just knew it was gay. >> jimmy: you did? >> just looked at me and it was like -- and, you know -- >> jimmy: how can you tell? >> it gets scared easily and it listens to my stories and he's my gay best friend. >> jimmy: that is nice. and is he okay with you outing him on television? >> oh, he loves it. he's like, yeah, girl, go. >> jimmy: okay, good. you say you're a sci-fi nerd. >> jimmy: really? >> my favorite show of all time is "roswell." it was on the wb, like, awhile ago. amend it was like my favorite

show because it was talking about aliens, how they are humans. i like movies that deal with aliens and i like x-men. >> jimmy: do you like "star wars" and "star traek?" >> i didn't get into that. x-men is -- >> jimmy: who is your favorite? >> wolverine. hugh jackman is -- >> jimmy: all right. you were the seventh grade class treasurer. >> i was. >> jimmy: that seems like a bad idea for the school. >> well, i was in seventh grade, i was 12, i don't know how old i was. you have to do speeches and, you know, in the cafeteria, say why you should be nominated and everyone's like doing these long speeches and i go up, i'm like, go mets. that's it. i walked off and the next day they're like, nicole, treasurer. i'm like -- i didn't do anything. >> jimmy: you didn't have to do anything? >> actually, i had to empty out all the machines, like the so day machines, the snack machines and it was downstairs in the

cellar. i'm be like, i need help counting the money. i brought my boyfriend down there and he would make out and -- pretty cool. >> jimmy: what was that boyfriend's name? do you remember? >> no. >> jimmy: you don't? >> fortunately. >> jimmy: you forgot. okay. you sometimes wear two bras at once. >> yeah. >> jimmy: why? >> um -- you know -- i'm scared to get, like, implants, so, instead of getting -- >> jimmy: why would you need them? >> well, this is actually a victoria's secret bra, that's why they look like this right now. but if i wear two bras this is what it looks like. >> jimmy: two? >> it pushes them up and makes them look voluptuous, if that's the word. >> jimmy: that is the word. you -- this i really like. you -- you claim that legally, you -- legally, than is a quote, i'm a midget. >> i am. i am. actually, when i got my driver's lie sense. they're like, you're 4'9". we can add the extra inch and

you're not legally a midget. at that point, i was like, oh, my god, i don't want people to know that. but then i'm thinking about it now and i'm like, i could have got, like, you nope, those things where you put it on the car -- >> jimmy: the handicap parking? >> can i go back and change my height? >> jimmy: i think you can. over the years people shrink as they get older. >> imagine me at 80? >> jimmy: who knows where you're going to wind up. you'll be underground. >> i know. >> jimmy: you'll be in the basement with the vending machines again. wow. now, this i'm -- on page 81, jimmy kimmel, i have a ridic crush on the man. well, thank you. i'm flattered. >> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: is that true or are you just saying that? >> i never lie. i tell the truth. >> jimmy: it seems to me that i'm not exactly your type. >> not at all. but you know, besides -- aside from looks and stuff like that, you are tan -- no, no, i don't mean like that!

no -- i don't mean that. >> jimmy: it's all right. >> i mean, my looks, i go for guys that are buff and guido and i feel like you're [ bleep ] and you're tan and the one thing that i do love about guys is personality and you always make me laugh, so -- >> jimmy: okay, good. so -- but what about jionni. he's not upset? your boyfriend? >> you know, i think at a certain age he just didn't care, so -- >> jimmy: at a certain age, like my age? >> no! >> at his age or mine he doesn't care? i'm unclear. so, he just thinks he's oh, that old character, i have nothing -- >> he knows i'll always be with him. >> jimmy: well, he is handsome. are you thinking that maybe you guys might eventually get married and have little snookiettes? >> in the future, i'm going to pop out a lot of guido babies with him. yeah. >> jimmy: i can't imagine, like, your bachelorette party, because -- what -- >> you can come industrial for us. >> jimmy: i will. every day is like a bachelorette

party for you, it seems to me. >> yeah, every day. and i just party all the time, so -- >> jimmy: indeed you do. well, the book -- if you like to read this is the one to get. it's called "confessions of a guide guidette." we'll be right back with snooki, guidette." we'll be right back with snooki, everyone.e a flat tire. do i tie? what's the fastest way to hartford hospital? do i need an umbrella in new york this weekend? remind me to call chris when i get home. move my meeting from 3 to 4. what does a weasel look like? remind me to get milk when i leave work. tell my wife i'm gonna' make it. wake me up at 6. play some coltrane. i'm locked out. [siri: i found 3 locksmiths fairly close to you.] [announcer: say hello to the most amazing iphone yet.] quicken loans closed my loan fast. and i know a thing or two about fast. i purchased 3 homes with quicken loans. i wouldn't use anyone else. there were no hidden fees and no surprises. quicken loans is a lot like me --

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>> jimmy: hi there, we are back with snooki. and, well, you were in italy

this season, which had to be a lot of fun. well, it looked like it was. >> yeah, italy was -- it was just different. i mean, the roads and the cobblestones. >> jimmy: you've been arrested now in two countries. >> dude, i'm bad ass. >> jimmy: you weren't arrested. you were taken into custody briefly by the italian police. >> doesn't matter. i'm still bad ass. >> jimmy: yeah. that was scary, actually, for a second there, right? >> it was scary but then again, i'm sitting there, i'm like, yeah. >> jimmy: working in the pizzeria, did you learn anything? >> i already knew how to make a pizza. you put the sauce and the cheese and that's it, i mean -- >> jimmy: yeah, well, there's the -- the italian way, specific way -- >> may make pizzas totally different than america that i didn't really like them. it wasn't like greasy and fattening and awesome. it was like healthy, i'm like, yuck. >> jimmy: would you recommend florence as a vacation destination for others? i mean, if you want to go to florence for, like, you know, a

lot of tourists go there and students and stuff like that but if you really want to see italy, go to rome or sicily or something like that. >> jimmy: i see. now that "jersey shore" has wrapped up, what are you doing with your time? any plans? >> honestly, i just want to hang out and chill at home and relax. >> jimmy: just relax. and what, like, television shows does snooki watch? >> i love to watch housewives of new jersey and mob wives, >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> obviously. but i'm really excited to see beavis and butt-head back on mtv. >> jimmy: well, yeah, sure. beavis and butt-head. >> whoa! did you hear that? >> yeah, i told you. she's into me, butt-head. check it out. >> shut up, beavis, she said my name too. >> jimmy: and do you miss being in italy? do you miss italy? >> this is a horrible interview. >> at least ask her about her boobs. come on, just ask her. yeah. >> what tv shows does snooki watch? >> do you miss italy? >> blah, blah, blah. >> jimmy: buy a lot of stuff

when you were in italy? >> we went shopping a lot. >> oh, god. bunghole. >> you suck kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm sorry, could you excuse me for a second? >> okay. >> blah, blah, blah. >> jimmy: hey! >> whoa, it's jimmy kimmel! >> whoa. hey, what are you doing here? >> yeah, go back to your show and get snooki to jump on a trampoline or something. >> jimmy: i don't do the trampoline anymore. you guys have been away for a long time. this is a whole other show. >> you said a whole. >> a whole. >> come on, kimmel, go get snooki to talk about all the dudes she does it with. this is boring. >> jimmy: you know what, guys? you think it's easy to do what i do? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'll tell you what's easy -- sitting on a couch criticizing, that's easy and that's all you've ever done. if you think it's so easy you're welcome to give it a try. >> uh -- really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> ok. let's do this, beavis.

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's -- >> butt-head -- >> dicky: live! >> hey, baby. >> yeah, yeah. >> what's going on? where's jimmy? >> don't worry, baby, you won't have to listen to him anymore. i'm going show you how a real talk show host does this. so i heard you just got back from italy. are you dtf? >> excuse me? >> butt-head! >> i had a question about your boobs. >> what about them? >> they're big. >> yeah, yeah. there you go. >> that's not even a question. what the frig? >> oh, yeah. >> so, snooki, as long as i'm here, you want to go back to the

smoosh room? >> no. >> i'm like a guido. and a juicehead. >> yeah! tell her you're a gorilla! >> you're not even a guido, you're not a juicehead and you're not a gorilla. like, seriously, you have no abs and you're not tan. so get freaking real. [ applause ] >> is j-woww here? >> jimmy: this sucks. >> uh, we'll be right back with tonight's castoff from "dancing with the stars." >> yeah, burn those shoes. fire! fire!

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pnc bank. for the achiever in you. >> jimmy: well, hello, everyone. we're back. our next guest is an author, an activist, a former woman and now a former celebrity dancer. tonight, your votes ended his magical run on "dancing with the stars." here with his partner lacey schwimmer, please welcome chaz bono. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well -- so, what's going on? are you guys still mad? because you guys were really mad last night. right? >> yes. >> we were a little pissed last night. >> jimmy: nobody ever admits they were mad. i like you've admitted it. what were you angry about? >> um -- >> well, you were called every

round animal out there. >> exactly. that was the first thing. and then -- we thought we did a good job. we really thought we did a good dance, so -- >> jimmy: well -- [ applause ] the problem is is that you're down to, what, the last six dances so everybody's pretty good at this point, you know? and so there's going to be -- you felt like you got a score you didn't deserve to get. >> that's what we felt, yes. >> jimmy: and who do you particularly blame for this? which judge? l lacey, last time you were here, what did you do to your partner steve-o? >> jimmy: i kicked him in the nuts, twice. it was a highlight for us here. be careful, that's all i'm saying. >> yes. >> jimmy: so, you guys, you had this big deal, you are obviously the first transgendered contestant on the show since, i think, steve guttenberg, yes? yes yes?

are you -- you're not mad at me, are you? >> i'm not mad at you. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> i'm just not mad at steve, either. wel >> jimmy: well, who could be? chynna phillips, i thought she was good. she got eliminated three weeks ago. you never know how this is going to go. >> you don't. >> and the judges comments sometimes are inconsistent. it is what it is. >> jimmy: on a scale of 1 to 10, how hard did chaz dance and work and rehearse? >> are you kidding? he would sweat through two shirts. >> jimmy: you did get very sweaty on the show. >> i get sweaty. >> a lot of it ended up on my arms. >> jimmy: so how many hours a day were you practicing? >> with her? probably about three or four. >> jimmy: and then by yourself? >> yeah and she would give me homework to go home with. >> jimmy: i see. your mom has been tweeting and your mom has been very, very mad. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: your mom, of course, who don't know, is cher. she said, "i could -- she's talking about bruno, i could

teach his little arm waving ass some manners. critique chaz's dance style but don't make fun of my child on national tv. she said, is it "dancing with the stars" -- [ applause ] or looking perfect with the stars? it's easy for him to take cheap hospitals at chaz. let him come to my stage. did you play sports as a kid? >> softball? >> i played a little. but i went to performing arts high school, so -- >> jimmy: was your mom screaming in the stands at the referees? >> we didn't -- we had dance, actually, in my high school, so -- >> jimmy: i got you. your mom tonight said, i have got to hold my tempers. my tears are okay. chaz, i'm so proud of you. this was your quest and you followed your star. well, that's nice. >> very nice. very nice. >> jimmy: that's got to feel good, right? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: when you came in, did you think, i'm going to win this thing? >> no, never. never thought that. >> jimmy: you never did? >> no. >> jimmy: well, that's a good defeatist attitude to have.

you just wanted to go as far as you could. >> of course, absolutely. yeah. >> jimmy: and will you guys, like, continue to be friends and maybe dance every once in awhile together? >> yeah. we're going to be available for parties. >> jimmy: really? that would be nice. >> weddings and bar mitzvahs, we'll be doing. >> jimmy: now, as far as judge bruno goes, you -- he called you a penguin, he called you an ewok. >> a bouncy ball. >> jimmy: a basketball? yeah. you got upset with that. and you said that you felt like men are held, like, he wouldn't say that about a woman but he would say that about a man. >> you know, they seem to really have a theme on that show with women who need to lose weight and do it on the show, they're very encouraging and, you know, they seem to love that. but you know, me, being a bigger guy on the show and losing weight on the show, didn't seem to inspire them in the same way. >> jimmy: see what we fat guys have to go through? welcome to life. there is a double standard there. it's okay to make fun of fat

guys, it's not okay to do it with women. >> that's right. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well -- and what are we going to do about this? >> nothing. >> jimmy: nothing! >> that's right. >> jimmy: we're going to keep eating! >> yes! >> jimmy: i think that was kind of interesting, because, you know, just, maybe from just a soes logical stand point, you have gone through your whole life, people being real careful and, hey, you're a guy now, to hell with you. i'm going to say whatever i want, buddy, you know? >> yeah, i mean, look. i don't have any problem being critiqued about my dancing, i mean, i was hoping for that. that's how you learn and how you get better. but being compared to animals or round objects, you know, it doesn't help me grow as a dancer. >> jimmy: will you take revenge on judge bruno? >> no, i will not. >> jimmy: will you, lacey? >> i can't say that right now, because it will give it away. >> jimmy: i see. best served cold.

okay, so, now, you're done with this show and what's your plan? what are you going to do from here? >> i -- you know, i'm going to take a little break right now and then -- >> by me a big present. >> jimmy: i have to get her a massage. i know that for sure and a present. >> jimmy: i'd be happy to give you a massage. we can save money. >> i thought of that already. i think she wants a professional. >> jimmy: well, all right. a professional. i can understand that. well, sadly, we have a tradition here at the show. lacey is well aware. at the end of your run on "dancing with the stars," we go outside for the ceremonial burning of the capezios. chaz, don't you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars" and now, your shoes pay the price. guillermo? chaz, america has spoken. your dance card has been punched. chaz and lacey will be on tomorrow morning on "good morning america," getting on a plane right now -- >> tomorrow morning, "good

morning america." >> jimmy: and mondays at 8:00, tuesdays at 9:00, "dancing with the stars" here on abc. chaz and lacey, everyone.

>> jimmy: i want to thank our guests. hugh laurie, snooki, chaz bono and