finally tonight, violence in afghanistan. there are reports tonight that up to three u.n. staff members have been killed in an assault on a united nations guest house in kabul, afghanistan. the taliban has reportedly claimed responsibility for this attack in which several hostages were taken. this new violence follows a grim mileone marked earlier today. eight u.s. soldiers were killed in a pair of attacks on american stryker vehicles. that makes it the deadliest war

america has seen. 55 total fatalities. all of this has president obama continues to weigh his strategy. that's a report for us tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a special message from bud lighting. tonight, i'm going to get help from a special audience member. are you ready, dway? >> i'm ready to go. >> jimmy: what are you looking at? get no your costume, dwayne, we'll do. this we're off to a flying start. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy kimmel. here i am in the backyard in my suit getting ready for friends for a barbecue. i've got the grill, i've got hot dogs and i've got the, oh, no, i forgot to buy the beer.

what am i going to do? >> perhaps i can help you, jimmy. >> jimmy: well, who are you? >> i'm the beer wizard and i'm here to grant you one beer-related wish. >> jimmy: just one, huh? well. >> announcer: that case, i wish for an filtered light beer with a full flavor that's brewed with citrus and a hint of coriander. >> i've got just the thing. al la kabam! >> jimmy: wow, bud light golden wheat. this is perfect, wizard. >> my pleasure, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] . >> dicky: bud light golden wheat, available now, light beer. huge flavor. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with dr. oz. from "dancing with the stars," melissa joan hart and louis vito.

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- dr. oz, from "dancing with the stars," melissa joan hart and louie vito, cousin sal does funny things and music from morningwood. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: thanks for watching. i think you'll be glad you watched tonight because tonight i'm going to share my secrets for getting the job, the house and the man of your dreams. it's tuesday night that means it's elimination night. double elimination night. this season, i think they brought in more contest ants to be safe. in the end, we said good-bye to snowboarder louis vito and broke melissa joan hart hart. last night, football hall of

famer michael irvin did a pretty good job with his waltz. watch his expression on his face after the end of the dance. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is one happy celebrity dancer there. i don't think i've ever been that happy about anything in my life. one of the other dances last night was a mambo marathon. what they did, all the dancers were dancing. and they would keep dancing until the judges eliminated. joanna krupa and her partner derek hough won it with his unusual move. [ cheers and applause ]

that has to be illegal, right? hey, guess what? dr. oz is here tonight on the show. [ cheers and applause ] dr. oz has a new daytime tal show called "the dr. oz show. "is it a wad sign when your doctor's name is also the name of the show about prison rape? when it comes to number two, dr. oz is number one. he deals with a lot of bodily functions. more than your regular tv show. if you've not seen the dr. oz show, here's what you're missing. >> urine has fascinated me, part of the reason for that, when you look at your urine, you're actually analyzing your exhaust. depending on what we put in it will smell one way or the other.

urine, by the way, if you haven't had anything fancy, will have a nutty smell. and it sort of taste like that, too. >> jimmy: remind me to ask him how he knows that. we're definitely not going out for drinks afterwards. the new movie at the box office was the horror movie "paranormal activity." anyone see that movie? it made more than $21 million. it's amazing considering the fact it cost $35 to make the movie. actually, they said it cost 15 grand to make. i don't think they should be allowed to charge the same ticket price for a movie that costs less than a korean automobile than they did for the titanic. he actually had to kill his friends. he murdered them is what made them extra scary. yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the release of a

real movie "terminator." "terminator" say movie we liked so much we elected it governor here in california. it's hard to believe it's been 25 years since "terminator" came out. most of the it because our governor never stops reminding us. we put together a montage honoring the movie without which no arnold schwarzenegger speech would be complete. >> we have the signing that would terminate the frivolous lawsuit. >> today, i'm here to tell all the people today that your eviction notice is being terminated and you have the right to say that. >> you are the true terminators. you are the true action heroes. >> we cannot expect for me to get all the money i intend to collect.

i will be the collectinator. >> you're going to say hasta la vista. >> it's our responsibility to say hasta la vista. >> keep up the great work. we need you, and iromise you, i'll be back. >> i promise you, i'll be back. >> i'll be back. >> i'll be back. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know what, he will be back. he will be back. this is pretty good. we have a lot of high-speed chases. we lead the nation in collagen injection and high-speed chases. you never really get to know why they do it, though. why the person decides to run from the police, until yesterday, a local news channel kcal explained the strategy. >> he led officers on a chase that included two highways and numerous streets with a number of close calls going 100 miles

an hour at time. now, officer finally stopped him on santa rosa road we were there when he explained to the office. >> at least i got away with it. so i'm like [ bleep ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know. it seems like he'd be a fun cell mate, you know? i nominate him to be our next bachelor. this weekend, president obama declared a national in which in response to the growing threat of swine flu. so i guess i better stop licking doorknobs for real this time. in response to obama's declaration, the republican leaders this morning came out and supported the swine flu -- not really. president obama's been getting criticism lately for not including women when he plays sports. he plays with his staf

i guess we have nothing better to worry about. the good news is the controversy provided us with this, our unintentional joke of the day. >> obama, by the way, just included a woman in his foursome for the first time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's something from the clinton administration, but it's time for change. classic, classic television show here on abc tonight. one of the best holiday cartoons i think. "the great pumpkin charlie brown." i loved that. we didn't have tivos or vcrs or pants that fit us. we would trick or treat to survive. not just for fun. when "the great pumpkin" came on, we'd gather around the tv and watch it. it's still a classic watching it still makes me feel

like a kid. if you haven't seen it in a while, here's a clip. >> if anyone had told me i'd be waiting in a pumpkin patch on said they were crazy.uld have >> just think, sally, when the great pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch, we'll be here to see him. what's that? what's that? i hear the great pumpkin! [ laughter ] >> it's a homemad weather balloon! you blockhead! and there's not even a boy inside it. this is a hoax. this is a big, fat hoax, i tell you. >> it's not a hoax! when will you guys get it through your thick skull, not a hoax. >> dad, can i come out now? this doghouse stinks. >> falcon, back in the doghouse!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is -- you know the name li johnson? he's the kid who pulled that hilarious prank on sarah palin by impregnating her daughter during the presidential campaign. levi is planning to pose for "playgirl" magazine and his publicist confirmed that the shoot will include full frontal nudedy. that's good news, right? levi said he's doing it to prove that living in alaska does not prove shrinkage. ironic, a guy named levi would pose for pictures without any jeans on, but he is. i know what i'm going for at halloween? levi johnson. hey, where's cousin sal?

oh, there he is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is uncomfortable. >> we always sit at the couch. >> jimmy: just play along. by the way, you look like the couch. why are you dressed like the set? cousin sal is in the shadows. halloween is only four days away, whether you're going as balloon boy or susan boyle,my cousin sal visited our local costume street in hollywood to help people pick out their costumes. ♪ >> how are you doing? happy halloween? >> happy halloween. >> this is going to be fun. you having a party or something. >> is oh. >> how much do you have.

>> 6464. we're giving back change in candies. >> seriously, can i have my change, please? >> honestly, we're just giving candy back today. >> isn't that like -- >> for the halloween store, anything kind of goes. >> all right. >> thank you. >> is there a receipt? >> yeah, here's the receipt. but your her mom. >> yeah, i'm her mom. she gave you $70. >> she gave me $70. that means that you get $5.36 in change? >> she did not. >> she gets $5.36 in change. >> actually, she got candy. i think she's pretty happy with the candy. >> i'm not.

>> you have to see the manager on this. >> you do whatever you need 0 do to get 55 36. >> i'm the manager. the police? what kind of police. >> give me the [ bleep ] or i'm calling the police. give me the [ bleep ] money or i'm calling the police. >> what kind of money. >> i want $5.36. >> i wasn't here. hello, happy halloween. are you buying the bubble bee bucket. >> yeah, and this. >> and this? excellent. hey, you know what? >> what? >> i have a game for you. >> what is it? >> have you ever bobbed before?

>> what is a bob? >> bob is when you stick your head down and pick something up with it. >> how many times. i only need you to dit once. it's called bobbing for applesauce. do you like applesauce. >> yeah. >> what's your name? >> flynn. >> you're going to stick your head in the applesauce and get it good and dirty at the bottom. at the bottom of this applesauce is more applesauce and you're going to try to pull that applesauce out from the bottom, all right? are you ready? >> i don't want to get my head. >> we'll have wet towelettes, we'll clean you off. >> you ready, one, two -- >> bob for applesauce! go, go, go, go! keep it down there, did you get it, did you get it? it's down there, keep going, buddy. you almost had it. ten seconds. go, flynn, flynn. you're in there. nice, oh, wow, you're one ofhe best applesauce bobbers i've

seen. did you get it, buddy? >> yeah. >> there was applesauce on the bottom, wasn't there? >> uh-huh. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're a mess. good job. >> can i have those wipes? >> actually, we're out. >> jimmy: >> jimmy: cousin sal, everybody. on the show tonight, we got music from morningwood, from "dancing with the stars," melissa joan hart and louis vito and dr. mehmet oz will join us. stick around, we'll be right back. the iphone has all kinds of apps. there are apps for budgeting your money. there are apps for investing your money. apps to learn a new chord

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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the beijing olympics. joining us tonight, oprah's -- and therefore america's -- favorite doctor. he has a very popular new show called "the dr. oz show."

dr. mehmet oz. also tonight, a band from new york. their new album "diamonds and studs" came out today. morningwood from the bud light golden wheat stage. tomorrow night, james marsden. from "the middle," 11-year-old atticus shaffer. and music from flyleaf. thursday night, jason schwartzman, rod stewart. and on friday, our annual halloween special with paris hilton and slipknot. good time. join us then. [ applause ] >> jimmy: as dr. oz will almost certainly confirm when he gets out here, there are few things more painful than a double elimination. it happened tonight on "dancing with the stars." joining us now via satellite, the eighth and ninth castoffs from "dancing with the stars," melissa joan hart and professional snowboarder louie vito. [ cheers and applause ] hello, melissa and louie. you guys look rather good together. maybe, you should have danced together. maybe that's where it all went

wrong. >> that's next season. we're doing that next season. >> i see you dumped your partners. that's good. that was wise. melissa, i know you look forward to being on the show. you've been calling them and say, hey, i want to do this for a couple years. was it everything you imagined it would be? >> it was. it was. expected i'd be. nervous than i it's a hard thing to get out here every week. i want to see you do it. >> i know my limitations, that's the point about me. at any point did you consider using witchcraft to help you? >> hold on. that joke is like 1996, so -- >> yeah, but so are you, to be honest. [ laughter ] i'm sorry, i'm an evil person. let's try to get past that, melissa. >> all right. i love you. i still love you. >> louie, do you feel like if you had a piece of wood attached

to your feet, you would have done better in this competition? >> yeah, i'm really good at standing still. the judges are always telling me i need to walk like a dancer. >> i had to tell you when i heard the name named louis vito, i thought it was going to be like a big, fat italian guy with a napkin sticking in his shirt. >> i think down the road, i'll going to slick my hair back and let my belly go out. >> melissa, your partner mark had the flu. did you catch the flu from him? >> i did. i had the fever from him. >> you missed the chance to make the plea to america, i'm sick, i'm instructing through this. >> my partner took all the pity. you men are wimps. >> you're right. >> i had to go and suck it up. >> mark took all of your pity away. lou, you dropped your partner,

chelsey, she still kissed you at the end. >> i love how things work out like is that. >> is there something going on between the two of you? >> dancing is going on. >> there's no romantic relationship whatsoever? >> well, i got a kiss. i was happy i got that last night before i got kicked off. i didn't want to have to grab her face and kiss her before the season was over. >> this will not dissuade from you trying to join the olympic team, will it? isn't i'm actually more than ready to get rid of tight clothes, some baggier clothes. >> and get back on the weed, you know what i'm saying? >> i don't know, she's got a stone over here. look at that. >> jimmy: you guys did an admirable job. you worked hard. you danced well. and i'm sorry you that were eliminated. somebody had to be, i guess. thank you for joining you. >> okay. >> jimmy: haveou had your flu

shots by the way? >> that stuff stinks. >> jimmy: thank you again, melissa joan hart and louis vito for being on "dancing with the stars." >> jimmy: the first guest tonight is a gifted surgeon and a heart specialist through the magic of oprah has transplanted the hearts of america in the palms of his hands. you can see him every week on "oprah." please say hello to dr. mehmet oz. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations on the new show. i enjoy watching you. i really do. i'm interested in all of that stuff that you talk about. i heard you brought me a flu shot? >> i did. i thought long and hard.

what kind of a gift can i bring jimmy. i could ask you to turn and cough, that wouldn't work on tv. >> jimmy: yes it would. >> we can do that, too, if you ant want. general >> jimmy: it couldn't hurt. >> one thing we thought is scarest to find in america is a flu shot. >> jimmy: going on tv, i hear, you have to get your flu shot. and then i thought, i better get the flu shot. and no one has flu shots. no one has flu shots. >> funny how that works. >> jimmy: yeah, it's like the cabbage patch baby craze of 1993. >> the sure fire way of getting them to do it is create a shortage. it's very effective. >> jimmy: so this is a reverse psychology campaign? >> actually, you know what happened, they told all the five big manufacturers to stop making swine flu vaccines.

so they stopped make seasonal flu vaccines which is more dangerous for older folks so we don't have enough of either one of them. >> jimmy: they screwed up again. most importantly has oprah had her flu shots. >> oprah has been mum on the topic. i'm not going to talk about her health issues. >> jimmy: we think not. she could just destroy you with a snap of the finger. >> you know, he's been very supportive of me throughout. >> jimmy: yes, she has. how did you meet oprah in the first place? >> you know, it's all my wife's doing. i'm a heart surgeon, i still have a practice by the way. thursdays, i go off and do my surgery. i was coming home every night and told my wife, you know, honey, i said, if you're not eating the kind of meals, so folks would get that message. but they wouldn't.

she said, go out and do a show. i'll help you. she's a producer. we made this program called "second opinion." you've got to have a big-time celebrity someone with gravitas. who's bigger than oprah? >> jimmy: no one. >> we called gayle king and we said it would be great to have a show to have people come out and teach people about the bodies. and we hit it off. >> jimmy: and dr. phil wants to kill you, right? because you've really taken his spot as oprah's favorite doctor. this has got to be a nightmare for him. >> are you friendly with dr. phil? >> i've not met dr. phil. >> jimmy: you've not? >> no. >> jimmy: oh, w, that's got to be a summit. really. i'd like to arrange that to happen at midnight on christmas eve.

you both dress as angels. wow, you've never met dr. phil? >> no, he already started going off the show. my career with oprah started around 2004, so he has already made the transition. >> jimmy: wow, there really is bad blood between the two of you. let's talk about bowel movements. >> good. >> jimmy: you talk about that -- you talk about what they should look like. some people claim they don't look at them afterwards. >> oh, come on. who doesn't look at their bowel movements? everyone does. >> jimmy: how long do you look -- if you're looking at them long enough that you're late for work, is that bad? or is that, you know, the smart thing to do? >> let's go over the bowel movement evaluation. the first thing you do is you listen. because if you sound like a

bombidier. if it's floating, it has extra fat in it, if is sinks, it doesn't. you want to check its floor. >> jimmy: do you want it to float or not? >> no, you want it to go down. if it floats you have fat in your color. check the color. green or brown, it means you're digesting nicely. >> jimmy: what if the like a rainbow? neopolitan ice cream. >> an exam is in your future, i see. >> jimmy: you want it to be brown. >> brown. the texture, of course. and by the way, we joke about it all the time, on the show, we

always get folks, to create a safe environment on the show to talk about things that are embarrassing to them. most of us have never talked about this stuff, since we were 5 years old, we asked our mom one la irritating question about our poop, and if you're a guy, you never discussed it. >> jimmy: it uncommon if they come out shaped like a poodles. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what should they look like? >> it's got to be a cast of your rectum which is an "s." >> jimmy: sounds like the worst broadway play ever. an "s"? are oprah's like an "s" with dollar signs? ha you ever seen -- you know what, this is what we're going to do this is why i've been successful in television, when we come back with dr. oz, we're going to ask him if he's ever seen oprah's bowel movement.

[ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with dr. oz. announcer: "it looks like nothing else

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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: dr. oz and morningwood. dr. oz, have you seen oprah's bowel movements and are they made of solid gold? >> absolutely clear, i have not seen them. >> jimmy: you've not seen them? >> i've not been invited into the throne area. >> jimmy: how rude. really? you would think she could show you. >> we always talk about all the aspects, the color of urine. >> jimmy: how do you know that's what it tastes like, a nutty flavor? >> actually, luke at people's urine because you want to see if they're diabetic. you can tell a lot about your urine, if your urine's bright yellow, too many b vitamins. same goes for diabetics.

tastes like wine, cherry wine. >> jimmy: how do you know what it tastes like? who's tasting that? >> in med school. you taste your own for sure. have you ever tasted your own? >> jimmy: no! >> are you kidding me? where have you been? >> jimmy: are you kidding me? guillermo. i've never eaten anything that came out of my body, to be honest with you. really? >> to be honest, when i was a kid, i was so excited about the human body -- >> jimmy: do you want to lay down while you tell me this story? >> when you lost something that comes out of you, want to know where's it going? where's it coming from? i asked questions. i touched. i was a bad boy. tired my mother out. >> jimmy: wow, you must go to crazy websites. all right. you do this. >> let's do it.

>> jimmy: stylish gloves. i have to wear gloves, too? >> no, just in case you want to play. by the way, i got you a little lollipop. >> jimmy: thank you, that's nice. like tweetie bird. >> for those of you getting your shots. first of all, always shake the vial because if there's preservative in it like mercury, want to mix it up. do you have a muscly areas on your body >> jimmy: no, i really don't. by the way, should we be teaching people how to give shots at home? >> yes. i'm purposely pinching you. it didn't hurt. i got a large needle here. >> jimmy: why did you get a large needle? is it funnier. >> are you ready. you want to get the shot, one, two -- there. yeah, you give the shot really slowly. don't push it too fast because

that's what causes the hurt. take a little time. 30 seconds or so and they're done. >> jimmy: do they get creeped out when they go, go slow? i think needles are skinnier now than they used to be when i was a kid? >> our eyes got bigger and our arm s got wider but needles are the same size. >> jimmy: when you're a kid, it seemed like it hurt more? >> it did hurt more. they have huge hypodermic needles. they were gargantuan. when i was a kid, i'll tell you a quick story, i was fascinated by needles. i used to find my dad's needles in his desk. i would put and i noticed my

sister's h had pores too. i put it in there it didn't go in. i got month brain, nothing back. my mom just whacked me that time. took me out. >> jimmy: i have to say, you might be one of the craziest people we've ever had on the show. dr. mehmet oz, everybody. you watch him every day on television. we'll be right back with morningwood. okay, who had the "opposite sex repellent" meal?

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♪ hello. >> i have a question. >> sure. >> do you have anything plastic? >> we'll do an exchange thing, right? 'll do an exchange. >> yeah. we're having like a party tomorrow, i don't know how many people are going to be there, i want to get enough.

i don't want to have to pay extra. >> how is that our problem? >> it's not your problem. i'm just asking, that's my concern. >> oh. i just don't see how that's our problem. >> i didn't even say it was. >> well, you came up here, you're like, i have a problem. and now it's your problem. i was like, whoa. >> no, i'm just very surprised. i didn't feel like i was causing any trouble. >> sometimes, you get surprised. right, chuckie? are you surprised again. >> yeah, that did surprise me a little bit. >> yeah. all kinds of surprises around here. thank you. >> all sales are final.

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i thought ou were a believer. someone who wanted to blog about their ideals. i love blogging! chew it over with twix don't come 'til december. with sears layaway, you can lock down deals today - and pay over time. - elf: layaway! all right! - guys, we're here for santa! - whee! announcer: layaway today, pay over time. that's life. well spent. sears.

>> jimmy >> jimmy: this is their new cd, "diamonds and studs." it came out today. from the bud light golden wheat stage, with the song "best of me," morningwood. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i ♪ i bet the better you get the better you get you're gonna forget remember ♪ ♪ you're always clickin' and pointin' pointin' and clickin' ♪ ♪ and clickin' that thing forever ♪ ♪ you're always talking the talk but never walking the walk ♪ ♪ i, i, i, i, i get so agitated ♪ ♪ you're always thinking

a thought but then you say you forgot ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ yeah let me tell you about it come on ♪ ♪ you're getting mighty upset you're gonna regret ♪ ♪ the deeper you get the stronger i'll be ♪ ♪ you're always ranting and raving that nothing's worth saving ♪ ♪ you're always complaining constantly ♪ ♪ you're always talking the talk but never walking the walk ♪ ♪ i, i, i, i, i get so agitated ♪ ♪ you're always

thinking a thought but then you say you forgot ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ yeah let me tell you about it come on ♪ ♪ come on ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪

♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think you've got the best of me ♪ ♪ you think there's nothing left of me ♪ ♪ check this you'll never get to me ♪ ♪ yeah you ain't seen nothin' come on ♪ [ cheers and applause ] i was always going

having to go in the middle of traffic and just starting and stopping. having to go in the middle of a ballgame and then not being able to go once i got there. and going at night. i thought i had a going problem. my doctor said i had a growing problem. it wasn't my bladder. my prostate was growing. i had an enlarging prostate that was causing my urinary symptoms. my doctor prescribed avodart. (announcer) over time, avodart actually shrinks the prostate and improves urinary symptoms. so i can go more easily when i need to go and go less often. (announcer) avodart is for men only. women should not take or handle avodart due to risk of a specific birth defect. do not donate blood until 6 months after stopping avodart. tell your doctor if you have liver disease. rarely sexual side effects, swelling or tenderness of the breasts can occur. only your health care provideran tell