and finally tonight, we revisit our top story. devastation in haiti caused late this afternoon by the most powerful earthquake to strike there in more than 200 years. the search and rescue efforts coinue tonight. amid frightening aftershocks as residents sift through what is left of their homes and businesses and the full extent of the destruction becomes clear. they will be ongoing coverage on world news now, america this morning and good morning america and continuously at our website a abcnews.com. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with tonight's big, giant question -- cottonelle toilet paper asks, "do you roll your toilet paper over or under?" as this debate rages across the country, we turn tonight to our experts -- parking lot security guard

guillermo, hello, guillermo, and a guy i met on the street named yehya. yehya, we begin with you. >> i object, your honor. >> jimmy: this is not a court of law, guillermo. >> okay. >> jimmy: yehya, do you roll over or under? >> under! >> jimmy: why? >> i love the kids. easy for the kids. better. everything i want to make happy for the kids. easy. >> jimmy: i didn't understand one word, but i agree completely. guillermo, your take, over or under? >> over! >> jimmy: why? >> my wife is the boss. i listen to her. >> i think that is stupid. >> i think you are stupid! [ shouting at each other ] >> jimmy: guys, guys, guys. we're all stupid. when we come back, we'll hear from secretary of state hiary clinton. >> the great debate is on -- over or under? how do you roll, america?

go cottonellerollpoll.com to let your voice be heard. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live!" is back in two minutes with chevy chase, elisha cuthbert, music from melaniefiona, and headline. [ pen scratches ] thanks to my invention, ou can go under...or over. [ male announcer ] tell us how you roll at cottonellerollpoll.com.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. don't stand on my account. hello, my name is jay leno. you might have known i'm taking over all of the shows in late night. even this one. great to be here on abc. yeah. hey, cleto, you know what abc stands for?

always bump conan. that's right. anyway, conan o'brien today announced he's leaving nbc. he released a statement that said i won't participate in the destruction of the "tonight show." fortunately, though, i will. for those of you who turn in to see jimmy kimmel tonight, he's gone. he's not here anymore. he will be fine. he picked up an endorsement deal with jenny craig. cleto, what are you, mexican? >> cleto: last time i checked. >> jimmy: the new season of "american idol" start eed tonig on fox. this is the show where a talented young karaoke singer battles it out for a chance to

eventually come out of the closet. there was a bombshell dropped. a real bombshell. you hear about this? simon cowell announced he's louvring the show after this season. he'll leave american idol. he said he wants to spent more time at home telling his maid she doesn't know how to do the dishes. telling his made. sarah palin was in the news. you hear about this? sarah palin is going to be a commentator for fox news. now maybe she can afford to bye clothes for levi johnston. she'll be a regular contributor to fox news. she signed a three-year contract which means she should be there for, what, six months? you know, on my show, everybody

applauds after every joke. just a test. everybody is quitting. palin, conan, simon, they all quit. did you feel the earthquake last night? there was an earthquake last night here in southern california. it was so strong, lintdsay loha was seen walking a straight line. you feel that earthquake? >> cleto: i didn't feel it. >> jimmy: cleto feels an earthquake every night. extremely sexually active. >> cleto: crazy. i don't know, man. >> jimmy: you see this? governor schwarzenegger was being interviewed when the earthquake hit. take a look. >> we need to move the state forward and bring in both of the parties together and get our infrastructure passed. >> when you speak, things

happen. >> there's noise. the governor -- this happens all the time. >> jimmy: he's the terminator. governor schwarzenegger. and delta airlines is raising their luggage fees. it's now going to cost $23 to check a bag on delta. and if you want to check a second bag, $32. and $50 more if you want to find out where the bags went. you know, i remember when the airlines would lose your bags for free. no charge at all. oh, hey, what's going on there? yeah, yeah. last night. >> thank you. >> jimmy: what are you, the parking lot security guard? >> yes. >> jimmy: very good. you hear about this? because of problems with the scripts for spiderman four,

colombia pictures is saying tobey maguire and sam raimey will not be part of the movie. instea they're talking about castingtobey's brother, mark mcgwire. you hear about this? baseball slugger mark mcgwire -- mark mcgwire admitted to using steroids. he came clean tonight on the popular show "no duh" with bob costas. you may remember 4 1/2 years ago, mark mcgwire testified before congress. he wasn't completely honest. he said, i picked up the syringe, but i did not impale. could we maybe mix it up with the baseline? where's kevin?

interview airs on the network, bob costas asked him how his career might have gone without performance enhancing drugs. >> could you have hit 70 home runs. could you have done that without using steroids? >> absolutely. i truly believe so. i was given this gift by the man upstai upstairs. >> that's true, only in this case, the guy upstairs used to be roy crawford, owner and proprietor of roy's roids. mcgwire knew what he was doing, he took the risk, and now he's going to take the asterisk. another athlete in the news or should i say not in the news is tiger woods. tiger has not been seen since thanksgiving. since thanksgiving. tiger is so hard to find, people were speculating he may be

working in customer service at home depot. you can never find them. you can never find those guys. >> cleto: you can't. >> jimmy: you hear about this? there are plans to build a michael jackson theme park in michael's home town of gary, indiana. they charge $9 for a jesus juice. michael jackson theme park. just one tip, if you have kids, steer clear of the tunnel of love. cleto, michael jackson theme park. >> cleto: michael jackson theme park. >> jimmy: isn't that something? >> cleto: that's something. >> jimmy: hey, um, you hear about this? president obama's approval rating is down to 46%. 46% approval, but the white house has an idea to get it back up again. they're going to bring back bush and cheney for a week. that's right.

no, we love you. make it stop. hey, did you hear about this? >> cleto: i don't know yet, man. i don't know. >> jimmy: the vatican is criticizing the movie "avatar." they said the movie is simplistic and savvy. the vatican is reviewing movies now. can you imagine that? i hate to be the guy who has to sit behind the pope at the movie. hey, your holiness, can you take off the giant hat? and avatar was number one again this weekend for the fourth ekend in a row. did you hear about this? avatar, the second-highest grossing film of all time. >> cleto: second-highest grossing. >> jimmy: second highest.

even tiger woods came out of hiding to see it. but in all fairness, we thought the term 3-d referred to the alien girl's bra size. 3-d. avatar has made so much money, i hear nbc is trying to move it to 10:00. some people are criticizing avatar because sigourney weaver's character smokes in the movie and they say that sends a bad message to kids who might start smoking. james cameron is responding to their concerns, releasing a new movie called avalotar. you get all of the ava with very little tar. avalotar. the barchler returned to the air last night.

you hear about this? this season's "bachelor" is a pilot named jake. jake was dumped by last season's bachelorette. one of the problems he has with meeting women is they think he's too perfect. i'm looking foa man who is slightly defective. the women really seem to love this guy. and i can understand why. watch jake get out of the car and watch what he does before he goes to the bachelor mansion. >> last night was the best night of my life. >> i guess he got overheated in the limo. let's see that again in slow motion. you can see here, before going in, he unbuttons his shirt. hmm, i know someone else who unbuttons his shirt. >> cleto: who is that? >> jimmy: cleto. >> cleto: that's wrong, man. that's wrong. >> jimmy: too perfect.

>> cleto: oh, man. come on. >> jimmy: too perfect. there was a big controversy last night. they had the kick a contestant off the show because of inappropriate relationship with one of the producers. which sets a terrible precedent, getting kicked off a show for sleeping with a producer goes against everything the town stands for. usually sleeping with a producer gets you kicked onto a show. the most awkward moment of the show was when bachelor host chris harrison had to confront her about her behavior. >> this is something we have never had to deal with in the history of the show. >> what's that? >> i'm very sorry we have to have this conversation. it's very awkward. i'm guessing you have some idea why i pulled you aside. rosslyn, you entered into an

inappropriate relationship with one of our -- with one of our staffers. >> jimmy: and you know, you're only supposed to enter into an inappropriate relationship with a guy choosing between 25 women. but rosslyn, you have to hand it to her. she had a pretty good defense. >> i mean, i don't think that my personal life is really anybody's business. >> jimmy: good point except you're on "the bachelor." you're on "the bachelor." your personal life is everybody's business. you're on television. you're on the show "the bachelor." no one is saying exactly what happened between rosslyn and the producer, but the people who work on the show are now forbidden from talking to the bachelorettes. and you can see that might not be a bad idea. >> something really big must have happened for rosslyn to all of a sudden be leaving.

>> babe, come on. where are you going? i got you a rose. >> she'll do anything for a rose. >> jimmy: that's it, you know. on the show tonight, we have a good show. elisha cuthbert is here. we have music from melanie fiona. chevy chase is with us. right after the break, headline say hello to cleto and the cletones. ♪

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it's good for you when life is not. >> jimmy: well, welcome back. the tonight show live, with us tonight, you know her from two shows, "24" and soon "the forgotten" on abc.

elisha cuthbert is here. canadian r, and b singers. grammy nominee for best female vocalist and will be touring north america with alicia keys. melanie fiona. tomorrow on the show, kate walsh and larry gatlin and the gatlin brothers. later this week, evangeline lilly, dax shepard, joan richards. don't i have a problem with her? katharine mcphee will join us. please join us. here's something we like to do from time to time. we call it "headlines." there we go. i tell you. this is how we find headlines from the paper, and then we present them to you, the viewer. our first headline is, you can see here, "vehicles may end drunken driving."

yes, and cigarettes may end lung cancer. i should show you this one. this is, um, here we go. "human service worker" what do they usually hire? robot service workers? something cosmetic surgery. "torn earlobe?" free ear piercing with the repair of your torn earlobe. isn't that what got you in trouble in the first place? and this -- this one. look at this.

maltese, beautiful, flully, and very, very cuddly. flully, named after the famous pilot flully flullyenberger. our first guest is who he is. you know him from fletch and the three amigos. his new show community airs on abc at 8:00. please welcome chevy chase. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i see you have been using rogain. >> you're not the first person o has said that.

>> jimmy: conan, don't do anything crazy. there's plenty of room for everyone. >> i know, i was thinking, though. why is it that, uh, i can't stay at any -- >> jimmy: i'm laughing at your hair. conan, when did you develop this speech impediment? >> that's what i was going to ask you? somehow you suffered through the whole monologue. >> jimmy: suffering suck attash. they tell you one shot of novocain in the tongue and it's easy to do. it really is. >> whoa! >> jimmy: there we go. oh, chevy chase, everybody. how about that? well, great to see you. you're a smart guy. you got out of the talk show business before it got crazy.

>> i jumped right out. >> jimmy: how long were you on the air with that show? >> five weeks. >> jimmy: five weeks? and how much, can i ask how much you got paid from the five weeks? >> not much, about $12 million. >> jimmy: that is fantastic. >> they told me to give back $3 million, and i did. >> jimmy: to who? >> mike, apparently. >> jimmy: you gave it back to him. >> no, rupert. rupert murdoch. >> jimmy: the show was on fox. you did the last late night show on fox. now people are saying conan will now do it. what was your experience like and do you think he'll have a difficult time there? >> good to see you, thanks. >> jimmy: good to see you. here is my reading of this. >> jimmy: i would love to meet sometimes. >> maybe we will. here is my reading. i think that conan got a bad, bad, bad deal.

conan is an intellectual, a well educated, grounded -- >> jimmy: yes, yes. >> excuse me for a second. >> jimmy: speaking of grounded, it looks like your finger has been in a light socket. >> i can't, i can't! anyway -- >> jimmy: so anyway, you were talking about conan's demise. >> the way i read it, i think conan is going to stay there. i think they're going to drop -- >> jimmy: i think he's going stay? >> i think you're finished. >> jimmy: that's an interesting way of looking at it. let's talk about you and your show which is very funny, very, very funny. it's called "community." it's on abc. >> and i know everybody here has seen it because -- oh, never

mind, jay. >> jimmy: i have seen the show, and it is very funny. it's extremely funny. you play a guy who goes back to community college after making a lot of money in the moist towelette industry. and that's not easy for me to say. >> for me, either. >> jimmy: d you're surrounded by these young actors who i would imagine like myself, idolized you growing up. >> very much. >> jimmy: is that an unusual thing to be in that situation with them where they look to you for advice and what not? >> sorry? of course. of course it's unusual because the first week it's all about chevy chase, you did "fletch." the second week, it's chase, are you going do this or what? >> jimmy: they get over it quickly, huh? >> because youee, what? no. what? >> jimmy: i'm saying there's an initial -- when somebody comes in, then eventually it wears off and you are -- >> after one week. >> jimmy: you're eating spoiled

broccoli at the end of the craft service table. the show is very clever and i think you do a great job on it. i'm not saying that just as jay leno even though i am. and joe mchale, a very funny guy. >> we're there to support joel. it's really his show until i get the big bucks. >> jimmy: and you run him out of there like we do with these young wiper snappers. >> but people do run you out. i'm glad you brought that up. >> jimmy: you brought a pet, i see. >> this is my wife, gina. >> jimmy: you were on "saturday night live." hard to believe, only for one year because you're so associated with that. that first season of "saturday night live." it was unbelievable. do you keep in touch with any of the people that you worked with back then, way back then? do you keep in touch with them? >> well, they're all dead.

>> jimmy: all right, they're all dead. >> i can see that. did i get it? >> jimmy: is it true you're a close, personal friend of former president bill clinton? >> i used to be. >> jimmy: what happened? >> i don't like him now. >> jimmy: you don't like him. was there a falling out of some kind? >> not a falling out. he cheated at cards. >> jimmy: that's not the only thing he cheated at. i'm referring to monica lewinsky. the cigar. hey, maybe we'll have a cigar after the show, cleto. >> cleto: yeah, man. we'll do that. >> jimmy: i'm sorry to do this to you, chevy. >> first, let me say this. i never knew jay had this problem with the ths, but now i know. >> jimmy: o, yes. i'm glad to bliring it to light. >> glad because so many people suffer this kind of imbalance.

>> jimmy: it's difficult, but fortunately -- >> you pull it -- you pull it -- >> jimmy: i pull it almost every night. am i right? well, please come back some time when i'm me, and it's wonderful to see you. chevy chase, everybody. watch his show, community, on nbc thursday nights at 8:00. we'll be right back with elisha cuthbert. at&t is the nation's fastest 3g network, so you can download faster on your smartphone than verizon. to prove it, i'm downloading myself on both networks at the same time. at&t dowoad's done. verizon, sorry, your time's up. look at this at&t download. hi. [ male announcer ] when you compare, there's no comparison. at&t. that's just not right. [ male announcer ] a better 3g experience. get 50% off all blackberry smartphones

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>> jimmy: we're back. still to come, melanie fiona will be here. our next guest is a busy television star. on sunday, you can see her on fox playing jack bower's kim on the season premiere of "24" and next month, she joins christian slater in "the forgotten" on abc. say hello to elisha cuthbert. [ cheers and applause ]

wonderful to see you. i'm glad you're not dressed as oprah or something. >> of course, not. >> jimmy: i heard you tore your pants backstage. >> i did. >> jimmy: are you wearing the ones you tore or did you have a spare? >> i'm wearing the ones i tore. >> jimmy: where did you tear them? >> i'm sorry for the delay. >> jimmy: nowadays, the kids pay extra to have their pants torn, and here you are mending. it's unusual. how is it possible you can be on two shows simultaneously? you can be on "the forgotten" and on "24" at the same time. where do your priorities lie? if one of the lost boys, kiefer sutherland or christian slater, asked you to come with them, what doio do? >> i'm lucky. it's good. i get to do the new show with christian slater, "the forgotten" on abc, which, we're

family now. technically. i don't know. actually, i'm confused. but, no, with kiefer, i mean, i have known kiefer since i was 18 years old and i have learned a lot from him. it's just amazing to be on two shows at the same time. >> jimmy: they keep you in the dark as far as the story is. >> people come up to me and say what's going on on "24"? i don't know. >> jimmy: why don't they trust you? >> they think i'm a narc or something. >> jimmy: i know you love hockey. your boyfriend is a member of the calgary flames. >> yeah! >> jimmy: what is your boyfriend's name? not a lot of calgary fans here. >> yeah, maybe it has something to do with the l.a. game they just played. yeah. >> jimmy: a general disdain for hockey.

>> yeah, well. >> jimmy: i like hockey. >> you know, yeah. >> jimmy: your boyfriend has an unusual name. >> deion. >> jimmy: what's his last name? >> fuenough. >> jimmy: if you were to get married, i don't want to get ahead of myself, don't take his last name. >> why? >> jimmy: because it's fuenough. it's very difficult for me to say. >> well, jay, with that lisp. >> jimmy: listen, we all have problems. >> i can see how that would be a problem. >> jimmy: how serious is it between you two? serious enough that, like, do you get upset when you see him fighting on the ice? >> i actually, just to go back to the last thing, i think his name, fuenough, is great. and it's interesting because you know, i watch his -- quite a few games. >> jimmy: do you go to a lot of them?

>> i gee to a lot and a watch a lot of deion, and the thing is that you know, i used to think that i enjoyed hockey. but i learned so much more now that you know, we're together, because i get to see how much hard work is put into it and how much is involved in being a pro athlete. and i think he does the same with me, geez, you learn these lines. ah, whatever. we have a mutual respect for one another. t i watch him and there are moments where he may be fighting and hit a guy or you know, it's the center of the ice and something happens. for me, i just think i respect what he does and i know he knows what he's doing. for me, i don't get that itated or nervous. i worry about the other guy. >> jimmy: what if he's punched right in the face? never happens? what happens when he punches something in the face? >> i worry because i worry for the other guy. >> jimmy: you do? >> he's -- have you seen him?

he's a big man. >> jimmy: a handsome devil. it's hard to tell how big the guys are with the pads on. >> it is hard to tell, but i'm going to tell you first hand he's a big man. >> jimmy: i trust you, believe me. believe me. i would not be making fun of fuenough's name to his face. and okay, so you kngo to a lot these calgary games. you're from calgary. >> it's funny because people are like, you're dating deion. where are you from? i'm like, here. i'm at the game. i'm from here. >> jimmy: who are the flames' arch rival? >> i think, well, if i had to say, vancouver is a big rival. edmonton. >> jimmy: if he gets traded, will you have to break up with him? >> no, i'll follow him wherever he may go. >> jimmy: i heard you were the grand marshal at the gray cup. tell everyone what the gray cup

is for those who aren't familiar with it. >> it's the canadian football league. e super bowl for canada. >> jimmy: their super bowl. >> it's a big deal. you're joking about it now, but to us it's a big deal. >> jimmy: not joking, i don't joke. it's canadian football. >> i'm not a huge football fan. i feel for a woman, i get a lot of sports in. i'm watching a lot of hockey. >> jimmy: and that's enough, th fuenough. >> exactly. so when they asked me to do this, it was really -- well, i was the grand marshal. i don't know if you know this. >> jimmy: what do you do, wave? >> i was in the parade. imagine, like, halftime but before the actual event, and they have a huge parade. do they have that here in the states? >> jimmy: yeah, we have parades. >> no, but before -- >> jimmy: i think we invented

them. >> so you have a parade or whatever. they asked me for calgary. it was montreal against saskatchewan. it was held in the particular city where i was born, and they asked me to be grand marshal before the game, and i said, great, this is great. i can enjoy it with the people of calgary and my people. and i get into the parade and i went, i realized at that moment that no one really told me what to do. like, i'm in a convertible, and i'm dressed warm. it's canada, and i'm going, should i wave? yes, i should? >> jimmy: did you wave? >> i waved. >> jimmy: you did the right thing. did you do anything else? >> no, just waved. >> jimmy: well, it's a parade. you can't do people's taxes. you just wave. >> exact le. i'm not h & r block. >> jimmy: welcome to the a family. it's wonderful to have you here.

the show is called "the forgotten" and of course, on "24" which premieres sunday on fox. elisha cuthbert. we'll be right back with melanie fiona. [ male announcer ] right now mrs. jones is freeing herself from restrictive calling circles and switching her entire family to sprint. that way her daughter isn't, like, limited to, like, lame calling plans. her son can talk all day long. and while on the sprint network, if her husband pocket-dials any mobile phone nationwide... yo, this is flor flav! who's this?! [ male announcer ] ...it's no big deal. welcome to the now network. get any mobile anytime for just $42.50 a month per person with unlimited text and data. and get a phone upgrade every year plus other exclusive rewards. deaf, hard-of-hearing and people with speech disabilities, access www.sprintrelay.com. working together is a thing of beauty. ( inhales deeply )

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bud light. the difference is drinkability. ( laughing, shouting ) awhile ago i had this idea. all this stuff in my house should just work together. well windows 7 comes out and you know what? now it does. now documents from my work pc can print over there. and music from that computer we can listen to on that computer. the stuff we watch over here, (pointing to sons laptop) we can watch over here. (pointing to tv in the room) my little idea has come to life. i know i shouldn't take all the credit, but... it's my house. hey, feet off the table. i'm a pc and windows 7 was my idea. and when my symptoms-the coughing, wheezing, tightness in my chest came back- i knew i had to see my doctor. he told me i had choices in controller medicines. we chose symbicort. symbicort starts to improve my lung function within 15 minutes. that's important to me because i know the two medicines in symbicort are beginning to treat my symptoms and helping me take control of my asthma.

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>> jimmy:we're back.

this is her debut cd called "the bridge." here is her song "it kills me." melanie fiona. >> what's going on, you guys? if you're ever been through a love like i have, it kills me. ♪ i've got trouble with my friends trouble in my life problems when you don't come home at night ♪ ♪ but when you do you always start a fight ♪ ♪ but i can't be alone i need you to come on home i know you messing around ♪ ♪ but who the hell else is gonna hold me down ♪ ♪ ooh

i gotta be out my mind ooh to think it's gonna work this time ♪ ♪ ooh a part of me wants to leave ♪ ♪ ooh but the other side still believes ♪ ♪ and it kills me to know how much i really love you ♪ so much i wanna ooh, hoo, ooh to you, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ should i grab his cell call this chick up start some -- then hang up ♪ ♪ or i should i be a lady, ooh, maybe 'cause i wanna have his babies oh, yah, yah ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't wanna be alone i don't need to be

on my own ♪ ♪ but i love this man but some things i can't stand ♪ ♪ ooh i gotta be out my mind ooh to think it's gonna work this time ♪ ♪ ooh a part of me wants to leave ♪ ♪ ooh but the other side still believes ♪ ♪ and it kills me to know how much i really love you ♪ so much i wanna ooh, hoo, ooh to you, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ should i pay you back to see how you react ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ to see if you react to my love, my love, my love

ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ ooh i gotta be out my mind ooh to think it's gonna work this time ♪ ♪ ooh a part of me wants to leave ♪ ♪ ooh but the other side still believes ♪ ♪ and it kills me to know how much i really love you ♪ so much i wanna ooh, hoo, ooh to you, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ to you, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪