dad, what's all this about you being a racist? i honestly don't think that he found it offensive. don't talk to any journalists, under any circumstances. you're just going to drop in and say "hello, goodbye," and then run away again, as per usual. i'm staying with dad. angela! angela, where are you? i can help him beat this thing. sue: there's no reason he should be bullied. there's no reason why i was bullied. ben, you must not lie. he told his teacher i died in iraq. stranger! stranger! ben! i'm not called ben! ( shouting ) come on ben, get up. he didn't even touch you. get up! come on, it's a team game.

ben! you're, uh, ben's dad? hi, i'm rory's dad, steve. hi. pete. ben was round our place on sunday. he's, uh, quite a kid, isn't he? yeah... he's, uh, quite a kid. told us all about you. did he? oh, yes. he's, uh, obviously very proud. so tell me, what's gordon brown really like? let's play karaoke! ♪ i'm feelin' lucky ( laughing ) alexa, you'd best pack up your things now, because your mummy rang, and she said she's going to be here in ten minutes... 45 minutes ago. die! ( gunfire noises ) what shall we do now? girls! rrowr. have i become invisible? hello! hey, can you hear something? no. i thought there was someone over there speaking. hello? i didn't hear. i thought it was just our imagination. karen!

♪ mummy's gone invisible ♪ mummy's gone invisible that's enough. oh... ( cell phone rings ) ♪ we can't see her we can't see her ♪ hello. oh, hi! hi, veronica. yes, yeah, i did get your e-mail. um, the thing is i probably won't be able to deal with it this evening because... well, to be honest, pete and i had sort of promised ourselves a quiet night in. well, you know, to have some quality adult time. eh-- you-- husband-and-wife stuff. you know what i mean. ye-- well, you can probably remember... what i mean. i am so sorry. no, really, it's fine. i don't know why on earth he... no problem, really. kids do that, don't they. and to be honest, both me and carol

thought it was a bit unlikely, you being an sas-trained bodyguard. right. ( cheering ) an absolute plonker! you're pathetic! don't blame the goalkeeper. it's not his fault. come on. a tree in goal would be better than you, and they can't even move. stop shouting at me. i'm getting really upset. come on, martin! please don't cry. oh, i'm sorry, is the goal keeper your son? i'm really sorry. no, please, don't worry. ben tends to be quite aggressive. don't worry. don't worry. it's not a problem. i hope you don't mind my saying-- i hope it's not inappropriate, but, um, i just think you're so brave. come on, it's time to pack away now, because alexa's mummy is due and it's time for your bath. it's too early. no, tonight, really, we're going to have bath and bed by 7:00,

because it's early nights all round tonight. have you tried ringing mummy? yes, i have, but it keeps going to voicemail. she probably left her mobile somewhere. she's always doing that. my daddy says that she must have a brain made out of cheese. does he? yeah, well, you know... mummies have a lot on their plate, don't they. squishy runny cheese. that's what mummies have for brains. that's what daddy says to me. right. ( groans ) d'you need some help, darling? no, it's all right. it's maths. i got as in maths, i'll have you know. yeah but you did old maths, and we're doing new maths, so it's different. it's just the question, it's just badly worded. let's have a look, shall we? ahem. okay.

no, you're right, that really is badly worded. i am just so sorry. please, don't give it another thought. i mean, some boys just like to fib, don't they. yeah, but, i mean that is-- honestly, it's fine. but you organized a collection. yes, but it's all right, because i can give everyone their money back, so it's really not a problem. hiya, katie, what's the score? it's, uh... 8-nil to them. ( shouting ) mind you, that one was a bit controversial. you're ben's dad, aren't you? yeah. he's told me all about you. has he? well, he will have made it all up, okay? it's just something that he does. whatever story he has told you, it will be a lie. what did he tell you? he said you're a history teacher. right. no, that one's true. ( cell phone ringing ) excuse me.

hiya. about-- about five minutes, i should think. can you fetch some milk on your way back? yeah, sure, yeah. how's operation early night going? has jane been to pick up alexa yet? oh, um, she's on her way. ( girls squealing ) excellent. well, five or ten minutes here. shut up! i should be home in about 20, and then we can pack the kids off to bed. and then after that, it's break out the champagne and the oysters and put the rose petals on the bed. pete, stop it, you sound like leslie phillips. can i-- can i hear swearing? they're playing me out of position. i should be playing in the goal. why didn't anybody pass to me? i'm easily better than them. yeah, well, perhaps if you didn't just shout, "why doesn't anyone pass to me? i'm easily better than you," that would help. we could get beaten by a bunch of potatoes. i should be captain.

what, for your team-building qualities? now, why don't you just go in and pop your pajamas on. i'm going to play club... well, you might as well change into your pajamas, because-- daddy! daddy! daddy! daddy! daddy! daddy! i love you as much as cats. oh. huh. hi, alexa. how are you? i'm fine, thank you. is your mummy on her way to collect you? i doubt it. right. girls! don't start any complicated games! jane's late picking her up again, eh? oh... only an hour and a quarter. still two hours off her personal best. how was the match? not great. they really should segregate the home and away supporters. oh, not again. still, at least ben should sleep well tonight. do you reckon? he's still totally wired. ( hollering, footsteps overhead ) he could go on for hours yet. right. you're quiet, jakester.

he's stuck on his maths. new maths, is it? yeah. perhaps daddy could help you. yeah, okay. ahem. do you know, i always think it's better if the pupil works it out for themselves, 'cause that way they will remember it better. oh, karen, what did i say about not starting any new games? but it's rude to leave your guest alone. you can't suddenly change your mind now. that's what you told me. actually, i can change my mind now. i want you to get changed so that alexa's ready to go. but you're not supposed to forget your manners. look, alexa's mummy will be here soon. she's probably just, you know, stuck in a traffic jam or something. cheesy brains. daddy said that mummy had a cheesy brain. if daddy still lived with mummy, he'll be a crazy man. mind you, mummy said he is a crazy man. that's why sometimes she has to call the police.

let's play devil princess! yeah! come on! is there any chocolate? ben, i've just found this letter, and i would like you to be a really grown-up boy and run up to the post-box and post it for me. i want you to run all the way there and all the way back, yeah? okay. all the way. so, any fall-out from karen's birthday? any lawsuits? i-i don't want to talk about it. but i had a real go at those bloody party people. i mean, i specifically asked for fun-time freddie number 3, and they sent fun-time freddie number 11, who's useless, and everybody knows that. he's clearly got a drink problem. his hands were shaking so much he could barely make the balloon animals. you know, i don't think i've ever seen kids go quite that berserk. i know, and at the school gate this morning brad's mum couldn't look me in the eye. i saw brad at football. he looks... okay. yeah, because she's combed his fringe over the wound. at least now he's got a healthy respect for first-floor windows and gravity. it's all part of the learning curve.

learning plummet. ( phone ringing ) hello. oh, hi, jane. no, alexa's fine, yeah. "you'll be with us shortly." where are you now? you're just leaving your own house. well, that's going to take more than ten minutes at this time of day, jane. it's rush hour, isn't it? no, no, no, no. no sweat. no sweat. we'll, uh... we'll just see you when we see you. cheesy brain. gosh, that was fast! do you know what? i've just found another letter that i meant to post. could you be really, really, really grown-up and run back to the post box and post it for me? okay. running, all the way. can i watch little britain? no. ( door slams ) you didn't actually put anything in that envelope. i know.

why did nobody pass to me? i'm the best player. i mean, arsenal wouldn't win against stupid old tottenham if van percy didn't pass to-- is jake all right? yeah, why? he keeps on popping to the toilet. he's probably got a gyppy tummy. and another thing, i'm the fastest player, so everybody should pass to me. oh, you're not that fast. yes, i am. i bet you £1 you can't run up and down the top stairs 200 times in under five minutes. 'course i could! off you go, then. one pound. one time... "i want the house. i want the house." "cheesy brain." "i want the house, you crazy man." "i paid for it, so it's my house!" "no, it's my house, too, but i want it for myself." come on, jane! bloody hell. yeah, and when she arrives and starts her bleeding heart routine, don't get involved.

just give her her kid back and boot her out the door. i feel sorry for her. she's having such a difficult time. well, i'll do it. i'll deal with her. right. you won't be rude, will you? i won't be rude. i'll be truthful. i'll say, "jane, i can't talk, it's getting late, and i'm on a promise." jake: what promise? don't be nosy. are you all right? have you got tummy trouble? no, i'm fine. how's school? it's school. it was cool? it was school. school is school. jesus. is that your letter of apology? statement of regret. i have no need to apologize. the head made that completely clear. "i sincerely regret any offence i may inadvertently "have caused kemal by implying he is fat, brackets, (which he is.)" not very conciliatory. well, he is fat. you see, there's no getting away from it, but no one's admitting it. it's the elephant in the room. he-- he is the elephant in the room.

you're going to have to back down eventually, love. i've got nothing to back down for. you're going to have to tone it down. i'm not going to tone that down. i'm going to send it as it is. ( doorbell rings ) ah, jane! don't get involved. don't get involved. hello, there. we'd like to ask you, do you think that man alone can solve all the problems in this world? yes. did it! false alarm. one pound! no, you didn't. yes, i did. no, you cheated. no, i didn't! yeah, you did, 'cause i was listening. you have to go up and do it again. ( ben and sue arguing ) ...including the recent poor weather, the congestion charge, and fears about terrorism. ( flipping channels ) jane is now entering... oh, what's this? oh, it's a documentary about childbirth. you don't want to watch that. yes, i do. ( screaming, groaning ) no, you're right, i don't. dad?

we've settled for 500 times in 10 minutes for two quid. oh, mum, i meant to tell you earlier, but auntie angela rang. when? uh, today. which part of today? earlier. oh. why can't anybody write anything down? did she say what it was about? mm. oh! no. she may have had a problem with granddad, you see. she's not used to looking after him. oh, i doubt it. she seems to be coping really well, which is good, isn't it? i'm going to go and watch the big telly. well, it is good, isn't it? i mean, for all of us. of course it's good, i know that. i do understand, you know. understand what? well, you've been looking after your dad for ages. your sister breezes in and just takes over. it's only human nature that you're gonna feel a bit... a bit what? supplanted. ( scoffs ) supplanted? why would i feel supplanted? i don't feel supplanted. ( doorbell rings ) ooh, that'll be jane. alexa!

don't get involved! alexa! here i am, late again. what am i like? you must be so fed up with me. not at all. alexa! she's probably hiding. little terror. she always does that. alexa, come on! nice evening. yeah. alexa! i got lost on the way over here. can you believe that? i've been here hundreds of times. yes, you have. i always confuse the two roundabouts. ( chuckles ) oh, no. ( sighs ) do you want to come in for a drink? no! oh, no. i can't stop.

thank you, god. oh, all right, then. hi, jane. hi, pete. sorry it's been late. no problem. so, what's it to be? glass of wine? cup of tea would be great. you wouldn't believe the week i've had. wouldn't we? it's been murder. nick's being very difficult about the divorce. i'll hurry the girls up. oh, thanks, pete. no, it's been hell, but i won't bore you with the details. right. i hear the school's... i mean, the man is a total bastard. i know what he's doing. he's trying to push me over the edge. ( weepily ) i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, sue. it's not your problem. oh... don't be silly. come on.

it all... it all started up again last month. remember when i told you about not being able to get cash back out at...? but in the meantime, i don't know what he expects us to live off. i mean, well, you know what it's like. food and clothes and... i mean, he seems to have enough money to take cindy to portofino. where the hell is portofino, anyway? um, it's italy, i think. so he can afford to take her to italy, probably paying for it from one of the five accounts i didn't know he had. and do you know-- the worst thing is? i found out that he's taken my air miles. why are you putting me to bed so early? i mean, it wasn't light outside yesterday... yeah, well, it's not light now. look. now, what do you want to read? how about this? the cow that wouldn't move. it's "moo." oh, yeah. the cow that wouldn't moo. uh, yeah? mm? what's snail house? uh, well-- ooh. snail house.

no, you can't have snail house. why not? it's long. very, very long. far too long. how about this? what's that one? look at that one there. baa, that one's called. baa. baa. yeah, really funny. i want snail house. d'you know, i don't think it's there. it's right there. i don't think we've got it. i genuinely-- what-- it's right there. ah, there it is. what luck. i mean, he says he didn't start seeing her until after we split up, but he must think i was born yesterday. anyway. you don't want to hear about all this. alexa! come on, we've taken up enough of these good people's time. where are your shoes? i think they're in the hall. well, find them. quick, quick. can i just ask you, are you happy with the school? yes. oh, right. well, it's just alexa's struggling with her reading, and no-one's tested her for dyslexia. can you believe that? is alexa still here? night, night. all right, come on.

what's that doing there? come on. ( women chattering ) ( house phone ringing ) sue! it's for you. i mean, at the school sarah's kids are at they routinely screen them for dyslexia and dyspraxia. sue! it's for you. listen, i'll leave you to it. here, it's for you. who is it? it's angela. oh, hi, angela. bye, pete. oh, are you going, jane? yes. finally. oh, well, let me, um... oh, really, angela? i've done 50 of these already. good, just another 150 to go, then.

bye! oh, yeah. bye. see ya. sorry, angela. what do you say, alexa? thank you for having me. oh, do you know what, you are very welcome. hiya. hiya. jane, this is... sue's sister. angela. hi. which is a coincidence, 'cause sue's on the phone to her friend angela. oh, right. uh, this is alexa. hi, alexa. that's a pretty name. jane and alexa were just leaving. okay. oh, that is a beautiful necklace. oh, thank you. do you know, i saw one just like that in seville a couple of weeks ago. oh, i love spain. so do i. well... the real spain. oh, absolutely, just a couple of miles away from the coast... i know, have you been to the alhambra? yes! isn't it fabulous! i absolutely loved it. i went there last year with my husband. the man is completely pathetic. he said he didn't start seeing this cindy girl until after we split up, but i don't believe him. mm. right. anyway, hark at me. stop talking, jane!

thanks again, sue. bye! ( chorusing "bye" ) ( door thuds ) well, she's got some issues. i expect you could use a drink, couldn't you, angela? no, i'm not stopping. they all say that. no, i've got dad waiting at home. i'm taking him out for an indian tonight. he doesn't like spicy food. when we tried to take him out for an indian, he just ordered egg and chips. yeah, well, he's definitely up for a curry tonight. anyway, i just popped in for the key. the key? yeah. didn't jake give you the message? spare key to dad's place? ♪ there's stars over the moon ♪ ♪ there's stars very high in the sky ♪ ♪ there's stars over the moon ♪ let's go to the judges! let's have simon first. what do you think, simon? ( as simon ) it wasn't that interesting, and also it was...

and also it was awful. now let's go to the second judge! i think that that was very, very good. and i think that that was all... almost fantastic. now, let's go to andrew lloyd weber. what do you think? well, it wasn't the right song. you've got a nice voice, but it wasn't the right song. i mean, the thing is that dad and i should each have our own key, really. and you don't need the spare any more, not now that i'm living-- i mean, looking after dad. suppose not. and i could get you another one cut for the-- sure. you should get another couple cut, really. trent'll need some when he comes to joins you. good point. i'll get a whole batch cut. well, i don't want to keep his lordship waiting. catch you later. see ya. bye. ( door opens, closes ) right. quality adult time.

dad, i think you've got an e-mail on your computer, and i believe it's from your headmaster. oh, what joy! i'll read that tomorrow. you could probably do with an early night, couldn't you? why? well, you know, first couple of weeks at secondary school. it's tiring, isn't it? is it? yes. um, did you know benjy's mum and dad are splitting up? no. really? i thought they looked really happy, actually. oh, god, i'm really surprised. so, a couple can look good from the outside, but they don't feel good from the inside, so they break up. is that right? mini bear, now, you've done very well to get this far, but i'm very, very, very, very, very sorry to have to tell you that... you've gone on to the next round!

yay! how can you tell? a couple can seem really happily married from the outside, but then-- if you're worried about me and mummy getting divorced, don't, because-- you mustn't. no. we're never, ever gonna split up. well, you can't actually say never ever, because that's sort of not telling the truth. so you might? no. we'll never ever-- no, we're not saying we might-- you just said you might. no, but i think it's important that you tell children the truth, and the truth is that you can't say never ever ever. well never ever until you get-- sometimes you have to. we are never ever going to get divorced. but you're saying you might. we're just saying, you know, sometimes these things do happen, but we can fairly confidently say to you that's not going to happen with us. we love each other. yes, we do love each other, and sometimes, unfortunately love just isn't enough for some couples. yeah, but, i even heard you say-- love isn't enough for some couples? well, it isn't, clearly, for some people. love is the basis of the whole thing, isn't it? well, yeah, it is. but, you know-- but you're arguing now! you are. we're not arguing. if you've got-- if you just love each other, then what about if there's no money? but you can't be together with no love.

anyway, the upshot is... is that you may hear us arguing, but it doesn't mean anything. well, it might mean that your dad's done something stupid, but... hey, i'm kind of knackered, so i'm going to go the bed. ok. good night, fella. night, night. see you in the morning. yeah. i knew he was bottling something up. i know, but i told you he wasn't being bullied, didn't i? mm. do you know, that is such a relief. i had this vision of him with his head being flushed down the toilet, or chained to the... shh! you worry too much. i'll go and sort ben out. come on. ben. take you up to bed.

( sirens ) mm. woman on tv: perhaps we could go over your version... alone at last, eh? do you mind if we forget about the sex? oh, could we? too knackered. yeah. you see judge john deed there? yeah. he's presiding over a case where the prosecution barrister is his ex-wife and the defense barrister is his girlfriend. is that allowed? yeah, he's a maverick. and he's shagging the expert witness. right. no wonder he looks so pleased with himself. oh, i've done the sums, by the way. eh? the world trip idea, i've done the sums. you see, we could rent the house. i could do some teaching along the way. it's all, you know, it's all perfectly possible.

do you mind if i look at it tomorrow? only, mentally, i'm a bit... no, no, no. that's fine. only, ahem, don't take too long about it, because i have a very rare blood disease. what? yeah. ben's been telling people all about it. why does he do it? well, luckily it doesn't stop me guarding gordon brown or owning a lion. do you think he's normal? i think he's within the bounds of normal... just right up the end near abnormal. when was the last time we had a conversation that wasn't about the children? we could have one now. how would you solve the palestine problem? well, i'll solve it the mum's way. i'd say to hamas and the israelis, "i'm not interested in who started it." would you like to reconsider?

( phone ringing ) place your bets. who's it going to be? veronica? your dad? someone from india who can save us lots of money? hello? oh, mrs. thompson? jake's form teacher. yeah, well, no, we had noticed that jake was a bit subdued at the moment, yeah, but, um, i think we know why that is, though. a friend of his, his parents have split up, and he's... oh. i see. what kind of bullying? one day they're going to find that woman dead with her blackberry shoved down her throat. the school said they would deal with it. i'm going to go in there tomorrow-- no, dad, please, dad. don't! please, dad!

do you believe in god? um...