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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 8, 2024 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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like nice art actually. >> yeah. >> it is pretty much a cool summer. there you go. you will leave me on a nice note there. wow. >> you wouldn't surprise that, by the way. >> me personally? >> any life form. [ laughter ] >> they make it look like it is so peaceful. i'm sure the radiation you're now wanting to date someone hit. but you're done. we're over as well. thank you for watching us. the late show with stephen colbert is next. news continues streaming on >> a little strange health news about a presidential candidate. robert kennedy opens up about health issues from a quote worm
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that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died. >> the amazing adventures of worm in brain man. ♪ ♪ look out, he's got a worming brain. check out his new campaign ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight... worm in brain. first, stephen welcomes...
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jen psaki and eliana. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. okay, enough chit-chat! r.f.k., jr. says a worm ate part of his brain! this explains everything and nothing. though having a worm in his brain might explain why he says stuff like this. >> i knew harvey weinstein.
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o.j. simpson came to my house. bill cosby came to my house. >> stephen: worm came to my brain. let's dig in, just like that worm did in r.f.k., jr.'s delicious frontal lobe. today, "the new york times" published some newly discovered health records for the independent candidate. turns out, back in 2010, r.f.k., jr. went to a doctor because he was experiencing some cognitive symptoms, like memory loss and mental fogginess, as well as a tiny voice in his head going, let's see, what wine pairs best with cerebellum? [laughter] so, bobby junior got a brain scan, which showed an abnormality, that his doctor said was caused by a worm that got into his brain and ate a portion of it and then died.
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cause of death -- starvation. [laughter] but you know what's really suspicious? right before it died, that worm was vaccinated. up until then, perfectly healthy, ran marathons. suddenly dead. you do the math. here's the thing. the dead worm is still in there! medical experts aren't sure exactly what kind of parasite it was, but they suspect it was pork tapeworm larva. which raises the disturbing question -- how long has r.f.k., jr. been porking tapeworms? [laughter] all of this initially came out in a 2012 deposition from divorce proceedings where r.f.k., jr. was arguing that his earning power had been diminished by his cognitive struggles. a classic divorce court
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argument. your honor, my client is entitled to -- c'mon brenda, be reasonable, you know a worm ate my brain! how about joint custody of the worm? in the deposition, r.f.k., jr. revealed -- i have short-term memory loss, and i have longer-term memory loss. adding -- and i also have short-term memory loss. [cheers and applause] now, you might be thinking, yes, r.f.k., jr. is a tad insane in the membrane, but that can't just be because a worm ate his brain, right? right. it could also be due to the fact that he was diagnosed with mercury poisoning, likely from ingesting too much fish. well, of course. those fish were just jumpin' in his mouth, trying to get the worm!
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[applause] now, don't worry, because r.f.k. says that he has recovered from the memory loss and there are no after-effects from the parasite. adding -- i, human person, r.f.k., jr., have never felt better and am definitely not controlled ratatouille-style by a worm who lives in my skull. cross my five hearts, hope to die on a sidewalk after a rainstorm. oh no, a robin! [applause] but any r.f.k., jr. fans watching, do not despair. just because he admitted in a sworn deposition that he has parasitic brain damage doesn't mean that he's gonna drop out. because bobby kennedy junior does not know the meaning of the word quit! because that information was in the part of the brain the worm ate.
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[applause] speaking of light-skulled americans, federal judge aileen cannon, seen here as the cover model for "dead eye monthly." yesterday, cannon announced that trump's federal classified documents trial date would be postponed indefinitely, meaning it is unlikely that the classified documents trial will end before the 2024 presidential election. no! i was counting on judge aileen cannon to save us from trump! that's why i got that big aileen cannon back tattoo to cover up my it's mueller time tattoo! we have to vote? again? the trump trial that is happening here in new york was off today, so the bailiff could refill their supply of febreeze.
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but everyone's still talking about yesterda's aggressive cross-xamination of stormy daniels by trump's defense attorney -- what was her name again? >> susan necklace. susan necklace. susan necklace. >> stephen: are we sure that's her name and not just how trump describes her? okay, todd glasses does the opening statement, susan necklace does the cross, johnny bowtie brings me my big mac, and uh, oh, judge big black muumuu is mad at me again. yesterday was primary day in indiana, a fact i totally knew before i read it in the prompter right now. and there was a warning in the results for trump. cuz despite dropping out of the race two months ago, nikki haley still pulled in nearly 22% of the vote. that's gotta sting for trump. that's like your boss telling
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you sorry, we're passing you up for the promotion and giving it to mark, may he rest in peace. now, indiana is crucial for any republican seeking the white house. in fact, a few years ago, trump said of indiana, it's called importantville. that's why they called the movie "importantville jones and the temple of doom." starring the incredible han solo. his wife was a big furry dog, but boy could she fly that spaceship. since trump's criminal trial is off today, cnn finally had the bandwidth to cover the second-most important story in america -- informational video goes viral ahead of cicada invasion. makes sense. it is the cicada news network. we all remember those old ads.
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>> this is [cicada noises]. >> stephen: of course, i've seen my fair share of informational cicada videos. i'm an adult. so, this one must be pretty special to go viral. roll it. >> where we are, the cicadas are hiding below the soil surface. it is roughly around 64 degrees. they will come out, crawl up trees or other objects like garages and stuff and they will crawl out of their xo skeletal shell, the show they were in. >> stephen: oh, to be a winged insect on the wall during that production meeting.
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okay, we need to film an informational video about cicadas. i'm gonna need 4 improv students, some cargo pants, and 3 tabs of acid! what? use footage of actual bugs? you're a cretin! this video was made by famed director the forest preserve district of dupage county, illinois. and let me just say, when i was a struggling actor in illinois, i would've killed for the part of cicada in larval stage. but just like everything else, the part would've gone to steve carell. he just has a certain je ne sais-cada. there was also some interesting local political news this week involving new york governor and fourth grader who got lost on the factory field trip and was found 53 years later, kathy hochul. hochul was speaking at a conference on monday when, unfortunately, she said this -- >> right now we have young black kids growing up in the bronx who don't know what the word
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computer is. they don't know these things. >> stephen: that was not good. evidently, kathy hochul thinks the best buys in the bronx have a section labeled wha? everyone instantly knew this was a bad take, even the sign language interpreter. take a look at her face. [laughter] but regardless of hochul's terrible gaffe, access to computers is a real issue in america right now, and it's something we should all -- >> john: hey!! >> stephen: i'm sorry. it's my writer, john thibodeaux. what's wrong, john? >> john: i'm confused, steve! what's a computer? >> stephen: john, there's no way you don't know what a computer is. >> john: there's that word again! com-poot-her? >> stephen: john, i happen to know you have a degree in mechanical engineering. how'd you do that without a computer? >> john: i used a pencil! >> stephen: well then, how do you do this job?
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you wrote the script of this sketch we're doing right now! you have a computer right there! >> john: oh, this thing? this is my tortilla warmer. [laughter and applause] i got this at a place called the apple store, not a single piece of fruit in the whole joint! >> stephen: well, john, if you don't mind, i'm gonna finish doing the tv show. >> john: what's a tv? >> stephen: john thibodeaux, everybody. we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is msnbc's jen psaki. but when we come back, a great idea for the perfect mother's day gift. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by...
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: l louis cato and the
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late show band. tonight, my guest is going to be from "inside with jen psaki" on msnbc. we have a podcast here, the late show podshow. we do seven days a week, exclusive material that is not on tv, audience questions, how did we get stephen colbert? he is expensive. check it out. it is made. you have one month to wear capris.
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i'm not saying you should. i'm just saying you can. it also means that mother's day is coming up. it's that magical time of year when a tiny waiter drops the worst breakfast you've ever had right on your duvet. but every time mother's day rolls around, so does the impossible question -- what do you get mom for a gift? dads are simple. all they need is a wallet made out of old baseballs or a baseball made out of old wallets. and this eternal question is the reason why, every year, there's a spike in gift guides for moms who are hard to shop for, moms who say they don't want anything, and the mom who pretends she doesn't want anything. really? we all know the only thing moms pretend they don't want is paul rudd. oh, you want to see "ghostbusters: frozen empire" for the story? you're not fooling anyone, evie! but you don't need to read through any of those gift guides, because we here at "the late show" have found the perfect gift for any and all of the moms in your life.
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>> there is no one like mom's. they lift us up. >> it is time to go. >> have you seen my keys, my work bag, my shoes, my wallet? this mother's day, instead of the same present, treat your mom to the gift she wants. 24 hours alone at the bottom of a well. it includes everything a busy mom could want. silence, quiet, lack of sound. all natural darkness from our technology. plus, a complete mother's day brunch. activities, fantasizing about leaving it all to backpack through france.
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remember andre? do you think he remembers you? or even just using the bathroom in peace. >> i don't mean to bug you, but your mother is here for dinner. >> everyone will be saying -- >> mom, are you okay? >> i am more than okay. i am well. >> stephen: we will be right back with jen psaki. ♪ ♪ (oldest girl) someday, i'll be the first female president. of the universe. (middle boy) someday, i'm gonna marry my baseball glove. probably in vegas. (youngest girl) someday, i'll help all balloon animals roam free. (vo) there are a lot of miles between today and “someday”. your long-lasting three-row subaru ascent will get your family there. ninety-six percent of subaru vehicles sold in the past ten years are still on the road.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is the former press secretary for president biden, former communications director for president obama, and current host of "inside with jen psaki" on msnbc. she's just written her first book, "say more." please welcome back to "the late show," jen psaki. ♪ ♪ [applause]
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hello. nice to have you back. >> it is great to be here. >> stephen: you look like a hip angel. i love the outfit. the new book is "seymore." in march, you celebrated your first year as host of inside with jen psaki. how do you perceive your job? they are different jobs in the news industry. >> all of the above. what my job is is to inform the public. i don't know how you can define that. i consider myself at times a journalist, and anchorbecause i am behind a desk, but hosting a
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show is a privilege and an opportunity to provide people with information and contacts and hel them understand things. >> stephen: and jokes about the worm in rfk jr.'s brain. how much of a president's brain can be eaten by a worm before it impacts their ability? >> hopefully that is not something we are dealing with as a country. i cannot speak to that from experience. >> stephen: how has it been having to balance your own vo voice, what you want to have happen with the job of informing the public. there has to be attention there. >> right now, and i watch your show. i watch your monologue last
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night. what we are looking at are significant stakes for the country about the future of our democracy. i don't think anybody should be hiding from that or talking around that. i don't try to be anything other than who i am or present what my point of view is in an informed way. i do it with facts. i worked for president biden. bringing to the show and the country my experience of how he thinks about things, what he cares about and doesn't care about is informing them. >> stephen: i watch your show and enjoy it. as we get closer to the election, that tension is going to be greater for you to stay objective, even if you believe in the objectives of the president of the united states. >> i don't think my views of
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donald trump are a secret. i don't think yours are, either. > >> stephen: i am not a journalist. i am a professional clown. >> you are informing the public. >> stephen: i am not doing my job well. >> people who are watching my show, do people come away with a better understanding of a person? maybe it is joe biden, someone running for office, and/or an issue. is there an issue misconstrued that i can help explain? i don't try to make it a secret. i worked for joe biden and barack obama. i have worked on three presidential campaigns. i can bring insight to how these things work and what is at stake in this election. >> stephen: is there something you could inform the audience
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about that the biden administration is not doing well right now? something they would not mind hearing from you. how about outreach to his young people now. voters are turned off to president biden, especially in light of his continued support of netanyahu with the tragedy going on in gaza right now. >> i haven't been in there in two years but i have worked in diplomacy, work for the former secretary of state. there is some leverage we are seeing being used. should it have been used ear earlier? yes. they are pulling back on the sending of weapons and that is a significant sign given that they have a long-standing connection on military support. >> stephen: has the
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united states done that before? >> not many times. it is a significant step. prime minister netanyahu is someone who joe biden has had a challenging relationship with for some time. people don't always see that. to go back to your original question about what they could be doing differently, it is difficult to explain the nature of diplomacy. it is hard to talk about what is happening because sometimes if you do, you were when the diplomatic talks. outreach and connection and listening to young people and hearing from them is an important part of that. he is going to talk to morehouse university, he is going to do the commencement address. that is a good step. they could be doing more of that. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be right back with more jen psaki. ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: we're back with the author of "say more," jen psaki. the book "say more" is available let's talk about the unfolding election interference case. it is falsifying business
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records case. what is the most important thing for you to be reporting on so the audience can understand what the stakes of the case are? >> this is a case where the former president tried to withhold information from the american public that would have been damaging to his candidacy. he did that through a coordinated effort with the "national enquirer." that is not something you are supposed to do. >> doesn't it seem like they put out false stories about his opponents? would it be enough to derail any other normal candidate? >> it feels like it should be. >> stephen: that is up there with warm eight part of my br brain. >> that is up there.
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it bends the mind that this election is so close. having watched and consumed a lot of information, stormy daniels is a former adult film star, there is lots of salacious myths about what she talked about, but here is a detail i keep thinking about. she is a woman the former president had with who said she blacked out and her hands were shaking so much she barely knew what to do. there is a character or aspect here. i am not talking about the legal case. that tells you about the character. that is something the public can make their own decisions but it is important for people to understand the details of what we are learning about who he is as a person. >> stephen: just a plain scandal would derail -- gary
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hart should have this type of luck. >> remember the tan suit with barack obama? >> stephen: that was a sca scandal. we also heard from the communications director, what was she? who picks. >> i don't know what her title was. what was that handoff like? >> we were in a shell-shocked place then. president obama said the bush team welcomed us with grace. they gave us books and briefing books and helped us through the transition and we were expected to do the same. you want the country to succeed and there is a history for good reason about the transition of power. we had all of these binders. we were so nerdy about the things we wanted to prepare them
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with. we sat down. she was probably a little shell-shocked but one of the big questions she asked was how do you get president obama to approve every statement. we said we don't. you don't get the president to improve it. you just break the statement. if it is controversial or you want to get his brainpower on it, you talk to him about it. she said mr. trump wants to approve everything. i didn't think it was going to the basis of a testimony during a criminal trial. what it told me at the time and when i was watching friday, if he cares about small details, he cares about the big details, like how much you are reimbursing your former lawyer. there is no way he doesn't care about the details.
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>> stephen: he is signing the check on the resolute details. >> think about all the things that have happened in that oval office. george bush gave a speech to the country on the night of 9/11. you can hate him or not or whatever. there were moments of every president in that room. >> stephen: memo line, sex with porn star. trump is on trial and that is taking his time and president biden is on the trail right now. how hard is it for president biden to get attention, even though he is the only one campaigning now because all of the oxygen is being sucked up in that courtroom. biden talked about something.
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>> infrastructure. >> stephen: i heard that happens and i could not tell you where. and i care and not everybody does. how can he get the attention? >> it is about six states, may be seven. no pressure, wisconsin, georgia, nevada, arizona. that is where it is going to be won or lost. wisconsin is a state that the margin of victory was less than 1% in the last two presidential elections. if he can get on the front page of the "milwaukee journal sentinel," that is a big win. you are almost there. but it is a unique challenge for them. the criminal trials, we struggle with this. we struggle with how much you should cover these trials, how much we should talk about these trials. >> stephen: i don't have a choice.
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we don't decide the news. we are a shadow of the news. we talk about what people were talking about today. if you talk about it, we are going to talk about it, so it is really your fault if i am going to talk about it. >> that was a bit of a round about. sometimes i am tired of talking about it because i am a human being. i am tired of talking about the trump trials but it is important for people to hear about it and be informed. the stakes are that vital. there has never been a former president facing criminal trial in a court room. we have to talk about it. >> stephen: hang out right there. don't go away. we will be back with more jen psaki. ♪ ♪ ♪when you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion♪ ♪upset stomach, diarrhea♪ pepto bismol coats and soothes for fast relief when you need it most.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: we are back with the author of the new book, "say more," jen psaki. it is sort of a memoir but also stories and advice in here. why not a memoir? why give advice? >> i am so young. i have a lot of time left. in all seriousness, i thought a lot about things i wish i would have known when i was in my 20s, graduating from college, starting my career. a lot of that, i talk about
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moments i was there for her history, mistakes i made. i wish i had done something differently, times i was under attack from bullies, not just fox news, also the kremlin. back in 2014, when the russians invaded ukraine the first time around, shall we say, i was with the state department, the spokesperson, and i was in the face the administration. making clear to russia this was illegal. the kremlin started doing their state run media, they did a nightly show about me, made up verbs, psaking, making up news that wasn't true. i have experienced that. if anyone wonders how it feels
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to be the victim of russian propaganda, not good. >> stephen: i am not allowed to go to russia. you said mistakes you made early on. anything particularly memorable? >> i have a few. i don't know if anything has put something in email they didn't want to put in email and then it is exposed. when you're in the government, your emails are subject to the freedom of information act. if you email between the white house and treasury department, there was a time we hired in 2009, a person overseeing the money that ceos would get. he was ken feinberg. it was a controversial hiring. part of the bank bailout.
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there was criticism, go figure. we did interviews. fox news was displeased that there was accountability. someone who was going to do accountability for the business industy. after a long day i sent an email that said i just watched bret beyer's piece but he is a lunatic and i said i am going to put a dead fish in the fox news cubbyhole. a year later of those came out. they don't translate well when they come out in public. what i learned from this, the dead fish was based on a running joke in the white house. what i learned from this is, what would my mother think? what would she think when she sees these emails. she is not going to be happy with me. i sent him an email. i did not know him. i said i don't know you but you
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may not believe this, this is not how i behave. i just wanted to apologize. he could have replied and said screw you or thank you. he did not. he invited me to lunch. we had lunch and talked about our families. i disagree with him plenty of times, with fox news, but that was handled with grace and it reminded me that when people make mistakes, that is what you should do. handle them with grace. [applause] >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: the book "say more" is available now. jen psaki, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by elyanna. ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: making her medley debut -- making her television debut -- >> .
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[applause] ♪ i'm callin' you ♪ ♪ with all my goal ♪ ♪ my very soul ain't falling through ♪ ♪ in need of you ♪ ♪ to trust in my faith, my tears and my ways is drownin' ♪ ♪ so i cannot always show it but don't doubt my love ♪ [translated from arabic] ♪ i'm callin' you ♪ ♪ with all my goal ♪ ♪ my very soul ain't falling through ♪ ♪ in need of you ♪ ♪ to trust in my faith, my tears and my ways is drownin' ♪ so i cannot always show it but don't doubt my love ♪ ♪ i don't need nobody ♪ ♪ i don't fear nobody ♪ ♪ i don't call nobody but you my one and only ♪ [translated from arabic] ♪ my love, i miss you ♪ ♪ my eyes always call you ♪ ♪ even if i'm surrounded by the
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entire universe i'll still need you, my love ♪ ♪ i'm callin' you ♪ ♪ with all my goals ♪ ♪ my very soul ain't falling through ♪ ♪ in need of you ♪ ♪ to trust in my faith, my tears and my ways is drownin' ♪ ♪ so i cannot always show it but don't doubt my love ♪ ♪ ♪ [translated from arabic] ♪ i am yours and you are mine ♪ ♪ i don't want anything expensive from you, my bag is a gift from "okhtein" ♪ ♪ so tell me where is this even going? ♪
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♪ my styling is insane and requires a lot of money ♪ ♪ all the girls wear elyanna hoops ♪ ♪ if you want to please me, put in some effort can' ♪ ♪ you the love in my eyes shine for you? ♪ ♪ how i loved you ♪ ♪ how i understood you ♪ ♪ i don't want anyone else ♪ ♪ you are mine and i am yours ♪ ♪ cut a take, i don't want a break ♪ ♪ mama, what, mama, mama, what, mama, mama ♪ ♪ what do i do, mama what mama, mama, mama ♪ ♪ mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, oh... ♪ ♪ why does luck come and go? ♪ ♪ it wraps around me, come to me, and then goes ♪ ♪ your standing beside me is the best thing in existence ♪ ♪ a lot of the times we had to go low, to be able to reach the stars ♪ ♪ my styling is insane and requires a lot of money ♪ ♪ all the girls wear elyanna hoops ♪ ♪ if you want to please me,
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put in some effort can' ♪ ♪ you the love in my eyes shine for you? ♪ ♪ how i loved you ♪ ♪ how i understood you ♪ ♪ i don't want anyone else ♪ ♪ you are mine and i am yours ♪ ♪ cut a take, i don't want a break ♪ ♪ mama, what, mama, mama, what, mama, mama ♪ ♪ what do i do, mama what mama, mama, mama ♪ ♪ mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, oh ♪ ♪ mama, what, mama, mama, what, mama, mama ♪ ♪ what do i do, mama what mama, mama, mama ♪ ♪ mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, oh ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: her debut album is out now -- >> . that is it for "the late show." stick around for taylor tomlinson. good night

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