>> he has a great name for an officer. officer stone. >> he's big enough fan of paw patrol though, he will want to go by chase. i have nephews. [ laughter ] >> great job, and thanks for watching. stephen colbert is next. ♪ ♪ >> japanese baseball star shohei ohtani has broken his silence on the gambling scandal surrounding his former translator. via his new interpreter, ohtani denied any knowledge of gambling and said the money was stolen from his account, adding "i'm very saddened and shocked that someone who i have trusted has done this." >> and now shohei ohtani's first comments on the controversy

through his new interpreter. >> [speaking japanese] >> he says "hey," and he's so happy that i'm his translator. >> [speaking japanese] >> he says "put it all on captain's boy to place in the third at belmont." go ahead. >> [speaking japanese] >> he says "my wife cheryl should just calm down about the college fund. we'll win it back." are you listening, cheryl? that's his words, not mine. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... oaf of wall street! plus, stephen welcomes carol burnett! and musical guest waxahatchee and mj lenderman. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater

in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheering] >> stephen: you've got to set it up. you've got to offer it up. happy tuesday, baby. happy, happy, happy, happy. hey, everybody! thank you very much. thank you. thank you, everybody. hello! thank you very much, my friends. welcome. welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i'm being told -- is this true? this just in. we have breaking news. donald trump is upset about something.

[laughtr] can we fact-check that? that is true, okay. evidently -- i'm just finding this out now -- one of the things that joe biden has been running on in this election is the success and popularity of obamacare. it's all part of the radical political theory that people enjoy staying alive. well, this idea seems to have ruffled trump's dander, 'cause a short time ago, he truthed: "i'm not running to terminate the aca, as crooked joe buden disinformates and misinformates all the time! it's true. no, folks, listen up. he misinformates, disinformates, and spreads untruthfullnessitudes! joe buden clearly has diminished cognoogitude." now, trump claims he's not trying to repeal obamacare,

which is something he actually tried repeatedly to do in the past. instead he says he wants to "make the affordable care act much, much, much better for far less money, or cost, to our grest american citizens." yes, our "grest." which, according to urban dictionary, means "an interesting way to say great breasts." [cheers and applause] i'm guessing that one's not a typo. in fact, i believe that's what maga stands for: "make america grest a-wooga!" you don't often get to say a-wooga! i'm going to linger on that. you know, folks, i consider myself a deep spiritual thinker. i frequently ponder the age-old questions

like why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things ever happen to donald trump? yesterday, the trump media and technology group, or hpv, which owns truth social, completed a deal to go public. according to bloomberg news, that deal increased trump's net worth by more than $4 billion, making him one of the world's 500 richest people. he made over $4 billion misspelling things on the toilet. my god, i hope that article is misinformated. the name of the company trump merged with is the completely innocent sounding digital world acquisition corp. i forget. are they the bad guys in "robocop" or "terminator"? coming into trading today, wall street gave the combined company a valuation of about $13 billion, which experts warn us is untethered to reality.

to give a sense of how bonkers that estimate is reddit was only valued at $6.4 billion at its ipo last week, even though it generated 160 times more revenue than trump media. yeah, there's no way truth social is worth more than reddit. truth social doesn't have even one sub-channel dedicated to birds with arms. [laughter] can we just run that for the rest of the monologue? on top of that, in the first nine months of 2023, truth social lost $49 million. [applause] and with results like that, naturally, at the opening bell, the stock surged about 56%. so trump sells something that does terribly, yet it makes him billions. i like that business model. that's why i'm introducing my new product: stephen colbert's bathtub toaster. "the tingling means

it's working!" now, in fairness, you can see why investors might get excited about the company. just take a look at their quarterly income statements. that is a rocket ride to the moon! and -- i'm sorry. i'm being told that's upside down. to add insult to "there is no justice in this veil of tears," the company is trading under the ticker "djt." that is the height of narcissism. and i say that as a man who bolted his name to the side of this building. so, that's tasteful! [cheering] that's not narcissism 'cause it's my name! how was trump so lucky that the ticker djt was available? well, there wasn't much demand for it after he previously used it in 1995 for his hotel

and casino company, which filed for bankruptcy and was delisted from the stock exchange nine years later. but that wasn't his fault! he was trying to make money in the notoriously difficult casino industry. you know what they say: "the house always files for bankruptcy." no surprise, there's an alluring whiff of corruption around this whole deal centered on secretive billionaire and guy at the food court who's just gonna sit here and watch you eat, jeff yass. reportedly, yass is a part owner of digital world acquisition corp. he's also a major investor in tiktok's parent company. congress has been threatening to shut down tiktok unless it is sold by its china-based parent company. the person who originally demanded that sale was a guy named donald trump. he changed his mind after yass met with trump in florida. is that suspicious? yaaaaass!

yaaaaass! [applause] cold-blooded! [laughter] that's a blast from the past. truth social does have one power-user, his name is donald trump. yesterday, on his app, trump embraced the idea that he's kind of like jesus christ, in a post about his new york fraud case where he claims a fan came up to him and said: "it's ironic that christ walked through his greatest persecution the very week they are trying to steal your property from you." exactly. trump is just like christ. the pharisees despised jesus because jesus had all of that prime dead-sea-front property. jesus was a brilliant capitalist. he's buying lepers at rock bottom prices, healing them, then flipping them for big dinarii. we all know how he got initial round of funding: selling golden sandals.

speaking of people who are divorced from reality, there was a big announcement this afternoon from presidential candidate most likely to eat a stick of natural deodorant, rfk jr. junior is getting heat from democrats who think he's trying to siphon votes away from biden, calling him a "stalking horse" for trump. but i'm not sure that metaphor is apt, because at least horses wear shoes. even biden trolled rfk, jr. on st. patrick's day by posing with over three dozen members of the kennedy family who oppose rfk's independent run. wow. i haven't seen an irish-on-irish attack that vicious since the lines at every soft pretzel cart in fenway park. so rfk, jr. could use some big-name help to boost his campaign. and after floating potential running-mates like aaron rodgers and jesse ventura, today he

unveiled his mega-watt vp pick. say it with me... nicole shanahan! [laughter] now, what do we know about nicole shanahan? well, her first name is nicole and, this is actually interesting, her last name is shanahan. apparently, she's an attorney and entrepreneur who was once married to google founder sergey brin. in fact, if you try to google shanahan, you just get a page that says, "error 404, not found. i'm doing fine, bro. better than ever. why? did she ask?" so just why... why. so why is rfk getting into these shenana-hanigans? well, many, many one reason: she's a major campaign donor who paid most of the cost for rfk jr.'s $7 million super bowl ad. picking a veep based on who can afford a super bowl ad is a long

tradition. that's why mitt romney chose his running mate, florida senator bud light lime-a-rita. oh, no it's -- shanahan. why not? it's women's history month! check your calendar. and you know what that means: some guy is saying something dumb about women. this time it's political strategist and six flags man after his grandson introduced him to edibles, james carville. in a recent interview with the new york times, carville blamed the democratic party's problems on "too many preachy females" who keep telling men "don't drink beer. don't watch football." yeah, women don't want men drinking beer and watching football. who do men they think they are? taylor swift? carville added, "the message is too feminine. everything you're doing is destroying the planet. you've got to eat your peas." [laughter] you gotta eat your peas? that sounds weirdly specific to james carville.

"these women are like, global warming is real. james, you gotta eat your peas, you gotta change your sheets more than once a month. the smell is intolerable. don't preach to me, woman! i'm spoonin' with my gator!" we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is the one, the only ms. carol burnett. but when we come back, it's time for cyborgasm! then we're gonna cuddle. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by mcdonalds. ♪ ♪ who do say it's juicy.

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♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody! there you go. [applause] you know, i've said many times.

i have said it many times, i'm lucky to share the stage with these people over here but louis, you know we are all lucky to share the stage with our guest this evening, the one, the only, the great carol burnett is going to be out here. [cheers and applause] almost 91. almost 91. sharp as a tack, still performing, still dynamic. this is why you want one of these jobs. folks, if you know me, you know that i love technology. it's the reason i can instantly share all of my contacts, photos, and calendar with everyone in my family whether they want it or not. and i like to bring you all the latest tech in my future-forward segment... "cyborgasm"! ♪ ♪ [crackling] >> [grunting] oh!

>> stephen: theoretical, theoretical spot. first up on cyborgasm, a scientific journal had an illustration whoopsie after "a study featuring an ai-generated image of a giant rat penis had to be retracted, and the journal has now apologized." okay, i mean, a.i. is still pretty new and obviously it makes some mistakes, but how giant a rat penis could it possibly -- oh, sweet... oh, sweet and sour mickey! willie's packin' a steamboat. this is either from a scientific journal or the children's book "jack and the giant peen-stalk." what i love about this illustration is just how pleased he seems. he's just staring up at it with deep satisfaction. going "ya know, i got a lot problems in life.

this ain't one of 'em. long may you wave." next up, big news from google. last month, the company paused its ai chatbot's image generation tool after it created historically inaccurate pictures, including black vikings, female popes, and native americans among the founding fathers and even generated racially diverse nazis. apparently the images were caused by an overcorrection to long-standing racial bias problems in ai. okay, got it. so people pointed out, because a.i. is trained on artwork and writing generated by humans, it naturally comes with all the prejudices, both conscious and unconscious, that we as deeply flawed humans carry with us all the time. and google was like, "got it! black hitler comin' up!" next up, ai love is in the air, because "romances between human beings and ai chatbots

are booming," with people chatting with a.i. apps like "lovegpt," "lover ai," and "true-mate ai girlfriend chat." what is it like to send romantic dms with an a.i.? "u up? send sexy pic." okay. [applause] oh, goodness. even when you know that graphic is coming. next up on the 'gasm, chinese robotics company unitree has made a major breakthrough and humanoid robots are running even faster now. cool! no downside there. let's take a look at the speedster in action! behold, the blistering pace of the future our most advanced technology has finally reproduced the gait

of a retiree heading for the golden corral buffet. hard to get that one out. these new chinese robots are so good that the unitree h1 is the first humanoid to nail a backflip without hydraulics. still unclear what the application for this is, but i gotta say, things are looking really good for china's olympic gymnastics team. up next, a warning for all the tesla owners out there. everyone hates you. [laughter] and another warning, be careful when off-roading, because recently a tesla cybertruck got stuck while driving on a california beach. this despite the truck being touted on tesla's website as "apocalypse-proof." it reminds me of that famous post-apocalypse movie, "mad max: fury -- oh, no, sand!" we'll be right back with carol burnett!

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: there you go. welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. oh, my friends. oh, my dears. my guest tonight is a seven-time emmy-winning actress and the

queen of tv variety shows. now she stars in the apple tv+ series "palm royale." >> answer all my problems. would be if i could smother you with this pillow. >> i dare you to try it. you don't have it in you. you don't have the guts, the pizzazz, they do-or-die sparkle. >> but i could have it in me. die! why won't you just die! die already! >> see? [laughs] you don't have it in you. >> my god, oh, my god. oh, god. of course i would never do that. bad maxine, bad! >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," carol burnett. [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheering] please, madame. nice to see you. isn't that lovely? isn't that lovely? carol, as you can tell, i am not the only one excited that you're here. thank you for being here. [cheering] i've had the opportunity to interview you a few times both on this show on the last show.

always a joy. you're one of my all-time favorite guests. you are so natural and relaxed in yourself but also larger than life at the same time. i'm just curious. you had such a long and storied career, did you ever get nervous on talk shows? >> carol: oh, yes. i remember a long time ago, you know, when johnny carson was on. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> carol: and i would be nervous. he kind of made me nervous because when you sat in that chair, you had to score. i am not a stand-up or anything. i thought, what am i going to do? i decided -- i didn't tell johnny, that i would be the world's worst guest. [laughter] so -- >> stephen: i shudder to imagine. >> carol: so i get on the show

and this was years ago and he said "i'm so glad you're here, carol. i understand you just moved out from new york but that you were raised here in hollywood and then you went to new york and i are back in california again. are you thrilled about that?" and i said "yes." and then he said... he said, "wasn't betty grable your favorite movie star when you were growing up in hollywood?" i said "yes." and then he said "i understand that you bought betty grable's old house, so you're living in it." "yes." he said, "did you everything think that such a thing whatever happened to you?" i said "no." of course he caught on. he started asking all kinds of interesting questions which i could just say "maybe." "no."

[laughs] >> stephen: i'm jealous of anybody that had any time with carson because obviously is the model for so many of us. you also had, you started your career with garry moore. >> carol: right here on this stage. [applause] >> stephen: and then you are on the ed sullivan show seven times. >> carol: i was? >> stephen: that's what research says. they couldn't print it if it wasn't legal. seven times. of course, so many people came on this stage. where we're sitting right now, the beatles performed up center up there. we've been told that elvis performed right here with the jordanaires behind him or this desk is. did you ever meet any of them? >> carol: i was on when elvis was on when he was in the army and they did a whole big thing when he was in the army on the stage and they put me on first. nobody wanted to see me. i mean, it was -- it was elvis.

where the hell is elvis? i bombed. oh, my god. it was terrible, it was awful. >> stephen: did you say hi to him? >> carol: yes, i met him and he was very sweet and i got his autograph for my kid sister. >> stephen: that's nice. well, elvis inspired the song that you did called "i made a fool of myself." >> carol: over john foster dulles. >> stephen: i know this song. i've heard this song. for the people who don't know, tell the people who john foster dulles was. >> carol: john foster dulles in the '50s was our secretary of state, aptly named. he was so dull. there was nothing there. i remember he wore this overcoat and a hat and never smiled or anything. so i was doing a special materials song that a friend of

mine wrote called "i made a fool of myself over john foster dulles" which was meant to be, like everybody was going crazy over elvis. so he wrote this song about this young girl going crazy over john foster dulles. >> stephen: elvis dulles. it's a very short jump. >> carol: i did it on the parr show and i was working at a nightclub, the blue angel, and i went back to the second show of the phones are ringing off the hook and one of the calls was from david waters who was mr. dulles' press advisor. he said mr. dulles didn't see it but could you go back on the jack parr show and do it so that he could see it? so i went back. i went back and did it again and i did it on the ed sullivan show and all hell broke loose. and it was front page news. who was this girl singing about the secretary of state? >> stephen: did he ever say anything to you about it? >> carol: what happened, a

week later i'm home and i'm watching "meet the press" and mr. dulles is on. and all the difficult things they are talking about the world today. >> stephen: sure, cold war. >> carol: at the end of the program the guy said "mr. dulles, would you tell us, mr. secretary, would you tell us what's going on between you and this girl that sings that love song about you?" [laughter] and i'm like this, glued to the set. and he said "i make it a policy never to discuss matters of the heart in public." [laughter] >> stephen: that's nice. that is nice. >> carol: so he did have a sense of humor. >> stephen: carol, we have to take a little break. please don't leave. and don't you leave either. we'll be back with more carol burnett, everybody. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. look at this. we are back with the start of "palm royale," the one, the only carol burnett. garry moore had a variety show. people may not remember but garry moore was a very popular variety show on this stage. what did you learn from him about heading up and running a variety show? since you went on to do the greatest variety show of all-time. >> carol: thank you.

[applause] garry, it said "the garry moore show." but he wasn't the star. what he would do, for instance, if we were sitting around reading the script on a monday. we would tape on a friday. and durwar we'd be reading the script and if garry had a punch line or joke or something, he said you know what? give this to carol or durward. they can say it funnier than i can. >> stephen: generous. >> carol: that's what i learned because when i got my show i wanted it to be a real company. it had my name on it but there were sketches where i would be supporting harvey korman. harvey would be supporting vicki. tim would be supporting me. it was a real rep company and that's one of the things that i took away from the garry moore show.

>> stephen: there's sketch comedy, comedic acting, and then there's being a comic, like a stand-up pair people often say to me how did you get started and stand up? and i go i didn't, i started an improv i'm a actor who happy accident, ended up in this job. how did you make this decision? >> carol: i was doing gary's show, and i'm in my 20s. and this vaudevillian was a guess that week named ed wynn, when he was guesting on garry's show, he had been in ezekiel follies and everything i remember we were talking about, we are reading about on monday reading sketches and garry asked, what's the difference between, i hope i get this right, a comedic actor and a comic? and ed wynn said comics say funny things and a comedic actor

says things funny. >> stephen: wow. yeah, and that's when you made your choice? >> carol: i wanted to say things funny. >> stephen: i have some good news for you. [laughter] it worked out. we have to take a break, but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with carol burnett, everybody. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ got that message. but, always flexfoam did! it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. and it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. feel it yourself with always flexfoam. to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away.

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carol burnett. you're in the new serious "palm royale" about of fancy palm beach country club in 1969. who do you play? >> carol: i play norma, who is the matriarch and kind of runs the whole society thing. she has secrets on everybody. she's kind of a blackmailer and she has secrets of her own and in the first two or three, three episodes, she's in a coma. >> stephen: wait a second. first three episodes you're in a coma? how does one do good coma acting? because the reason i ask is it's more than sleep but less than death. [laughter] >> carol: you nailed it. i would get up at 5:00 in the morning, as we do, and go to the set. you get in the makeup trailer and you get all made up and everything, dressed. and then i went to bed. [laughter]

>> stephen: you just lay down. >> carol: yeah. and i got paid. >> stephen: nice work if you can get it. >> carol: but i do start to wake up, of course, later on. and she doesn't want anybody to know that she's kind of coming out of it. >> stephen: oh. >> carol: because she's not a very nice person. but they are the most fun to play. >> stephen: your character is obsessed with power but also money. now you did not grow up with much. >> carol: no. >> stephen: i'm curious how your family stretched a dollar. like what did you do to get by? >> carol: well, my grandmother raised me. and we lived in one room with a pull down murphy bed that she slept on and i slept on the couch. we would save our pennies to go to the movies. that was our one thing. and so when we were about to leave, nanny, my grandmother would say "let's hit the ladies room." we did and we would steal all

the toilet paper. [laughter] >> stephen: there you go. you've got to use your head. got to use your noggin. the costumes on the show are incredible works of art. here you are. here you are as cleopatra for some reason. here you are as marie antoinette. for another reason. and you've always had fantastic costumes. >> carol: bob mackie. >> stephen: i'm curious, how does the costume in form or change or performance? >> carol: completely. there were times when i didn't know how i was going to do a character until i went to the costume fitting. bob mackie put me in what was he was going to design, for instance, mrs. wiggins. >> stephen: sure. that tight dress. >> carol: originally, tim conway wrote those characters and he had written mrs. wiggins to be a doddering old lady so i went into costume fitting that

week and bob mackie said we been doing doddering old ladies. let's make her into this bimbo whom the i.q. fairy never visited. so he put me in the blond wig and the push up bra and the tight, tight skirt, but it was an old skirt he had in the costume department and it bagged in the behind. and i said. also he put me in these stiletto high heels. the skirt was tight around the knees, but it bagged. i said, bob, i'm flat back there. you're going to have to take this in. he said "no, no. stick your behind into it." and i did, and that's how the walk happens. [applause] >> stephen: working the suit. >> carol: that gave me my character. >> stephen: i understand that when you were young actress trying to make it, you and some of your friends had a special audition dress. >> carol: i lived at a place

called the rehearsal club here, which was a wonderful boardinghouse that housed women who wanted to be in the theater. it was all very much on the up and up. we didn't have much money or anything. and so i decided that five of us should go to bloomingdale's and each one of us, we put in $5 so we got a dress for $25, that would stand out in auditions. and we were built the same and in the waist so we got that fit. but then it was a full skirt that would hide any fat rear ends. long sleeves and turtleneck and it was orange and it stood out. and then if you had an audition, we would sign up for the dress, wear it for the audition, bring it back to the club. be responsible for having it cleaned and then hung back up in the closet waiting for the next person to use it.

>> stephen: wow. did it work? >> carol: yeah. i mean, i got a few callbacks. i didn't get the job. >> stephen: baby steps. >> carol: right, absolutely. >> stephen: carol, it's such a joy to see you. thank you so much for being here. "palm royale" is available now on apple tv+. it's carol burnett, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by waxahatchee featuring mj lenderman! ♪ ♪

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>> stephen: performing "right back to it" from her album, "tigers blood," waxahatchee featuring mj lenderman. ♪ ♪ ♪ photograph of us ♪ ♪ in a spotlight ♪ ♪ on a hot night ♪ ♪ i was drifting in and out ♪ ♪ reticent on the off chance ♪ ♪ i'm blunter ♪ ♪ than a bull's-eye ♪ ♪ begging for peace of mind ♪ ♪ i get ahead of myself ♪

♪ bracing for a bombshell ♪ ♪ your love written ♪ ♪ on a blank check ♪ ♪ wear it around your neck ♪ ♪ i was at a loss ♪ ♪ but you come to me ♪ ♪ on a fault line ♪ ♪ deep inside a goldmine ♪ ♪ hovering like a moth ♪ ♪ i lose a bit of myself ♪ ♪ laying out eggshells ♪ ♪ been yours for so long ♪ ♪ we come right back to it ♪ ♪ i let my mind run wild ♪ ♪ i don't know why i do it ♪ ♪ but you just settle in like ♪ ♪ a song with no end ♪

♪ if i can keep up ♪ ♪ get right back to it ♪ ♪ if i swerve in and out ♪ ♪ of my lane burning up ♪ ♪ an old flame ♪ ♪ turn a jealous eye ♪ ♪ i'll fall down ♪ ♪ into a fair game ♪ ♪ lick a wound that was not ♪ ♪ ever mine ♪ ♪ i get ahead of myself ♪ ♪ refusing anyone's help ♪ ♪ been yours for so long ♪ ♪ we come right back to it ♪ ♪ i let my mind run wild ♪ ♪ i don't know why i do it ♪ ♪ but you just settle in ♪

♪ like a song with no end ♪ ♪ if i can keep up ♪ ♪ we'll get right back to it ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ been yours for so long ♪ ♪ we come right back to it ♪ ♪ i let my mind run wild ♪ ♪ i don't know why i do it ♪ ♪ but you just settle in ♪ ♪ like a song with no end ♪

♪ if i can keep up ♪ ♪ we'll get right back to it ♪ ♪ we'll get right back to it ♪ ♪ we'll get right back to it ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that was beautiful. thank you so much. waxahatchee and mj lenderman, everybody. that's it for "the late show." now stick around for "after midnight" good night! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪