america's options he's collecting signature dogs get his new name on the texas ballot. he's encouraging write-in votes even though they probably will not count. i bet a lot of people will actually write in literally anybody. >> he's going to get some votes. >> what do you call him, president else? >> literally anything you want. what would be your write-in name? >> step stool. i would use my step stool as a platform. >> oh. i'd be jules in the house. you' >> miami beach wants to break up with toxic spring breakers. in a new psa, the city outlined the strict rules it'll implement this month in response to unruly crowds in past years. this includes curfews, higher parking fees, and limited beach access. >> and now, a response from will smith. ♪ ♪

>> huh? >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert! tonight... deja tuesday. plus, stephen welcomes neil degrasse tyson and comedian ariel elias. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: there you go.

have a good show. >> louis: have a good show, man. >> stephen: thank you very much. please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much. welcome one at all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. for those of you following the political calendar, yesterday was super tuesday, which makes today wednesday. and the results are in. joe biden and donald trump dominated super tuesday. now, for a rematch that everyone claims they don't want, it's awfully popular at the polls. it's like the whole nation is ordering takeout and deciding, "okay, we're gonna do the thai place again, even though the noodles stick together in a weird cube that's shaped like the box it comes in, as long as we all agree that we're not getting the sweet and sour nikki haley." now, it was also tuesday in spaaaaaace, because hundreds of miles above earth, two astronauts

cast their votes. here are jasmin mogh-belly and loral o'hara pointing to their makeshift voting booths. and even though there are only two of them, it still took the old lady volunteer 15 minutes to find their names on the registration. "let's see here... let's see here. i've got "orion comma constellation," no, okay? "jar, comma, jarbinks..." no? it was a good night for joe biden, who rolled to big-margin victories across the country. well, that makes sense. for biden, everything needs to be big margin and extra large font. biden's biggest competitor wasn't actually a person. it was protest votes for "uncommitted" over his israel policy. but there were also some people who finished behind biden. none more so than dean phillips, seen here counting all of his supporter. phillips is from minnesota but lost his home state to biden

in a landslide, then took to twitter. "congratulations to joe biden, uncommitted, marianne williamson, and nikki haley for demonstrating more appeal to democratic party loyalists than me." he then slammed his bedroom door, blasted my chemical romance and said he wasn't even hungry for dinner but could he have chicken fingers? phillips later added another tweet, further moping. "and jason palmer." now, you may be asking, "who is jason palmer?" the answer is yes. no one knows who jason palmer is. what we do know is that president biden lost the democratic caucuses in american samoa to jason palmer, a previously little known long shot challenger. yes, "previously little known." also "currently little known." i myself just recently learned that a jason palmer is half jason, half lemonade. [laughter] apparently... there you go. why not? i'm not rushing anybody.

i'm in no hurry to get home. take all the time you want. apparently, palmer person does exist, because a quick google image search reveals that he's one of these guys. which one? this november: america decides! whichever one he is, palmer was able to get 56% of the vote in american samoa while biden got 44%. whoo-hoo! where my palm-aniacs at! i mean... come on, it's electric. this guy makes dean phillips look like ryan binkley, and if you know who those people are, you're too invested in politics. go see "dune" or something. now, before you get even remotely impressed by any of this, keep in mind, palmer won the caucus by the middle school basketball score of 51-40 -- not percent -- votes. the associated press describes palmer as a baltimore resident who has worked for various businesses and nonprofits.

what an inspiring biography. reminds me of obama's memoir, "dreams of my various businesses and nonprofits." thank you. thank you. [applause] after his victory, palmer admitted that he'd never even been to american samoa but that he's been campaigning remotely, doing zoom town halls. [laughter] which explains his campaign slogan "palmer: 2024. hey, phil, you're on mute. phil? can someone unmute phil?" [applause] palmer seems to have focused exclusively on american samoa, courting voters with videos like this. >> you're probably wondering, who is this jason palmer? i've never heard of him before. well, in the mainland, i'm actually very well known. >> stephen: yes.

oh, yes. it's true, american samoa. he is so well known on the mainland. why, here in new york, or as we call it, palmervania, tourists come from all over to take pictures with the times square jason palmers and see the world famous radio city palmettes! what's this? i'm being told we have breaking news. 1:00 this afternoon, dean phillips ended his presidential campaign. evidently, he wants to spend more time with his family, reminding them who he is. in his announcement, phillips endorsed president biden. game, set, match. yeah! it's over, baby. biden is now adding the entire dean phillips coalition. it's a big tent. sleeps two. there were even fewer surprises over on the republican side, where trump rolled to victory across the country. he did especially well

in the few states where he isn't currently on trial. after the polls closed, trump turned his attention to the general election, going after joe biden. >> what's happened with inflation has been unbelievable. a lot of people say -- a lot of experts have said the stock market's the only thing that's doing well, and that's doing well because our poll numbers are so much higher than joe biden's. >> stephen: "everything good is 'cause of me. everything bad is 'cause of joe. stock market: me. inflation: joe. taylor swift: me. cars-4-kids song: joe. the laughter of little children: that's me. that little amazon fish that swims up your penis and shoots out spikes: joe." [applause] of course he gave a shout out all the cool people in attendance. >> this is an incredible group of people.

so many celebrities that i'm not going to introduce any because i'm just going to get myself in trouble if i do that, 'cause i'll leave out most of you. >> stephen: he sounds like a high school kid pretending he's been kissed. "oh, wow, yeah, i've had so many girlfriends. i'm not gonna name them all, because i'm sure i'll forget someone, but... wow. i mean, girl lips. they're just like two hot dogs. so sexy and kind of slimy if you leave 'em in the water for too long." trump was riding high, but there were some signs from voters that he won't have an easy ride in november. in north carolina, even though trump took the state, one in four republican primary voters said they would feel dissatisfied if trump got the nomination. really? just "dissatisfied"? we're talking about an existential threat to the republic, not clicking the frowny face at the airport bathroom. "how is the gulag? huh, out of paper towels."

also, despite trump's dominant polling, he didn't get a total sweep. because nikki haley won vermont. [cheering] yeah! vermont! which means, by law, she gets her own ben and jerry's flavor. so keep an eye out for half baked explanation of how slavery didn't cause the civil war. [laughter] but still, still... it wasn't enough, which is why, this morning, nikki haley dropped out of the 2024 presidential race. so long. america will never forget you, ooh, i wanna say, narkey stanley? nibbly snacky? sticky hale-bopp? notably, haley did not endorse trump. but the rest of the g.o.p. establishment is falling in line. in fact, this morning, mitch mcconnell endorsed trump. [booing] that headline again: "tortoise endorses hair."

[laughter] nice family joke. it's a family joke. wake up the kids. tell them that joke. this is a final cynical act of evil and cowardice from a man who has made a cynical career of it. mcconnell has already stepped down from leadership, and his parting gesture is to hand his shriveled blue ballsack to the man who launched racist attacks on his wife, called him a dumb son of a bitch, and a broken down crow. "that's right. that's right, mr. president, it's me, mitch, your dumb little broken down crowwww... to caw!" how long was i out? how long was i out? what year is it? now that the race is set,

the country is looking ahead to november and there are some disturbing numbers out there. for instance, this weekend the new york times published a poll that showed trump leading biden by 5% among registered voters. [booing] okay, now i'm less worried about the candidates and more worried about the mental competence of the voters. someone should give us a cognitive test. but don't panic. because the methodology is so off, it led one member of the pundocracy to observe: "there is something wrong at the new york times." yeah, there is something wrong at the new york times and it's called connections. let me get this straight. so, "turncoat" and "windsock" are words ending in clothing, but "lawsuit" isn't? my streak should be at 25 and you will be hearing from my lawyers, you bastards! [cheering] but another thing. but another thing. that new york times poll is a mess. it found trump winning the female vote by 1%, when biden carried women in 2020 by 11 points.

somehow i doubt trump has won back over 12% of women with his empowering message, "i'm a rapist." this poll is so off that it says 12% of democrats support dean phillips, leading dean phillips to actually tweet: "when a nyt/siena poll shows me at 12%, you better believe it's flawed. only 5% even know who i am." [applause] that... that is so sad. he thinks 5% of people know who he is. we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is mr. dr. neil degrasse tyson. but when we come back, the billionaires are billioinairing so hard, you won't believe it. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show

with stephen colbert" sponsored by red lobster. lobster fest is ending soon. head to red lobster today. on? try lobster lover's dream with two lobster tails and lobster & shrimp linguini. it's one of ten next-level lobster creations. but lobsterfest won't last, so hurry in. if you're living with hiv, imagine being good to go without daily hiv pills. good to go binge-watch. good to go out even later. with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider, just 6 times a year. don't receive cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients, or if you're taking certain medicines, which may interact with cabenuva.

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band, everybody. louis cato and "the late show" band. thanks, everybody. louis, very excited. there's a few names you want to see on the board. who am i going to be talking to? there is one name that's a pure vacation for me and that name is neil degrasse tyson right over there. a lovely fellow, great explainer and coming up in a little while we will have ariel elias, a wonderful young comedian will be out here in just a moment as well. folks, if you're anything like me, you might be feeling, uh... uh, whaddya call it: uh, constant grinding existential dread. every day, there's a new crisis being thrown in your face. climate change, the downfall of our democratic institutions, and earlier this year, the doomsday clock was put at 90 seconds to midnight amid ai threats. but whatever the future holds, i have some reassuring news: rich people are gonna be okay.

'cause the hottest trend is billionaire survivalist bunkers. only two things in life are certain: death and taxes, and billionaires have figured out how to cheat at both. which brings me to my trendsetting segment about the grotesquely wealthy: "rich, please!" >> i'm worth more than human life! >> stephen: that's right, cashy! the biggest billionaire in the bunker boom is facebook founder and stick of cream cheese with eyes, mark zuckerberg, zuck has bought up a chunk of land in hawaii and is building a bond villain compound where his family can see out the apocalypse, costing $100 million, featuring two mansions joined by a tunnel, which branches off into an underground bunker. so if you wished for all billionaires to be six feet under, you shoulda been more specific. and zuck's bunker is not even the wierdest. billionaires are now building

fortresses with "fiery moats and water cannons." well, water cannons only make sense. you're gonna need something to put out your moat. this right here is not a screenshot from minecraft. that's an actual rendering of an actual compound being built by doom bunker developer and man hinting with his eyes where he's going to put that thumb, al corbi, who brags "we wound up literally building a 30-foot-deep lake around the compound skimmed with a lighter-than-water flammable liquid that can transform into a ring of fire." ♪ and it burns, burns, burns ♪ ♪ the ring of fire ♪ ♪ and the goons i hired ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheering] oh, the sustain. but not all fortifications ae for fighting off the greedy poors. some are for good times in the afterscape! because corbi says "friends of the owner might enjoy a flag football game on jet skis,

dodging the water cannons' ability to lock in and blow them off the skis, creating a mind-boggling adult nintendo game, a wild entertainment factor." i'm sorry, if you say "adult nintendo game," i don't think billionaire jet ski flag football. i'm thinking super mario and donkey kong boning on a barrel. and if you really wanna go for it, one billionaire's bunker-maker has one with "a massive fireplace that rotates like the one in indiana jones and the last crusade and a giant shark tank in the basement that shares one wall with the swimming pool, so it looks like you are swimming with sharks. and the pool is more like a water park, with a flow river, a lazy river, a grotto, and a glass bottom, so you can see a go-cart track underneath the pool." and, and, uh. and uh... and uh... and uh... and uh... anyone got more coke! let's start a band with the sharks! i'm indiana jones, bitch! but wait, it gets more. "then there's a giant ■staircase

that raises up to reveal a big basement, where a vehicle elevator goes down to the garage. we also installed a british phone booth. when you dial 867-5309 on the receiver, the song plays and the glass turns opaque so you disappear. then the back wall opens up and there's an actual slide that takes you down two levels where there's a flight simulator, and a sensor causes the back panel of the booth to return and the glass goes transparent, so nobody can understand how you got out of there." and i'm sure that trick will never get old to you and the three people you're trapped with for the rest of time. they're gonna laugh and laugh as they beat you to death with your british phone receiver. ♪ 867-5309! ♪ ♪ 867-5309! ♪ [applause] you can fix that, right? so, let's be clear: the fiery moats aren't there to protect them against a nuclear attack. nukes are fine with the fire. these people are afraid of normal people like you. ordinary americans who will

eventually realize that the billionaires have taken all the resources and left the normies to fight over chicken bones in the dust. so you billionaires could build yourselves apocalyptic pleasure domes with water parks and shark tanks or -- and hear me out -- i know this is crazy. you could pay $1 in taxes and then maybe, maybe eventually you will not be dragged by your heels into your own flaming moat while everyone cheers. we'll be right back with neil degrasse tyson.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. you know my guest tonight as the new york times bestselling author of books like "astrophysics for people in a hurry" and "starry messenger." please welcome back to "the late show," america's favorite astrophysicist, neil degrasse tyson. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ there you go. good to see you. it's like coming home. everybody loves you here, neil tyson. >> neil: i'm feeling it. i'm feeling it.

[cheering] >> stephen: you are "the new york times" best-selling author of the book "starry messenger" right there, now available in paperback. we'll get to this in just a moment here but let's push some paper first. you're not just a beloved astrophysicist and a best-selling author. you're also a movie buff. >> neil: yeah, oh, yeah. >> stephen: we were at the same u.s. premier of "dune: two" last week. a week and a half ago, something like that. what'd you think, neil tyson? >> neil: it's quite the spectacle. oh, my gosh. >> stephen: it is. i would say, i would say it's perfect. what do you think, neil? >> neil: [laughs] >> stephen: there are no errors. go on, neil. >> neil: i have some issues. >> stephen: you don't generally criticize science fiction, do you? >> neil: if people know, this movie takes place in sand dunes and there's a worm that's very hungry. >> stephen: an example of these big worms.

>> neil: yeah, they're very hungry. they just plow through the sand. and they'll find you if you make a sound that repeats. >> stephen: to call one of them, you put up one of these things, a thumper. >> neil: a thumper. sends vibrations and finds it and it's going to eat it. >> stephen: it comes fast. >> neil: somebody didn't do the research on that. >> stephen: because that's not how these sand worms actually behave? is that what you're saying? >> neil: i'm just saying you can't thump sand. >> stephen: yes, you can. have you ever heard the phrase "go pound sand?" >> neil: you do this to sand, nobody else is going to hear it because it's sand. >> stephen: you can't hear it but a sand worm can. they hear things differently than we do, neil tyson. >> neil: if you wanted to insulate yourself acoustically from your surroundings, fill the volume with sand. no one will hear you. i've got to let it go because there's no movie without it.

one other thing. one other thing. >> stephen: you've got another thing? don't hold my hand while you criticize a perfect movie. how dare you! that is unwelcome. how dare you, sir? >> neil: so, no, the same people, the fremen, the indigenous sand people, one of the rites of passage is they have to ride the back of the worm. okay. but it's a worm. so they have the worm just going straight fast. >> stephen: yeah. that's how sand worms work. >> neil: no. have you ever seen a snake chase you as a straight snake? no! no! they've got to curl and they push off the curl. that's what the curling is. >> stephen: it has scales, flexible scales. perhaps on the belly of the worm. >> neil: you think it's got little things? >> stephen: or, or perhaps there's a peristaltic thing where there's

a wavelike action where we can't see it. >> neil: or they're pooping really fast. >> stephen: the science isn't in on sand worms, neil. >> neil: but it was cool. they had the copters. they are like dragonflies. >> stephen: they are so well-done that i had to remind myself that they are not real. >> neil: they're very well done. but they had other huge objects defying gravity. why did these have to have wings? just put that stuff in the copter and they don't need wings at all. >> stephen: probably the energy source required for the large things to carry a large energy source onboard whereas the copters have to go with the small fuel cell and cannot expand the energy necessary for the anti-grav. propulsion. i accept your apology. >> neil: you are all in on that one, on the "dune" thing. >> stephen: i am 1000% in. can you still enjoy a movie with the scientific inaccuracies?

>> neil: i am a fan of mark twain's edict. first get your facts straight, then distort them at your leisure. because if you're ignoring basic fundamental scientific principles on the premise that it's too constraining, i need my freedoms, excuse me. the universe is not only weirder than we have imagined. it may be weirder than we can ever imagine. it's my people that brought you wormholes and antimatter and black holes and the multiverse. all of that comes out of my people. >> stephen: sorry, the multiverse was coined by the fantasy writer michael moorcock. just wanted you to know. an artist, not a scientist. early '60s. >> neil: that feels kind of late for my people. we'll send out the -- >> stephen: you want to hear things weirder in the universe

than you could possibly imagine? here's you in an outfit. you've made some cameos in movies over the years. you made one recently. this is it right here. how did you end up -- am i reading this right? the new j.lo movie "this is me now: a love story." what the hell are you doing in this outfit? >> neil: [laughs] so i got a call and they said would i play taurus -- >> stephen: the astrological sign? taurus? >> neil: it's a constellation but in that movie it's a astrological sign. i said show me the script. i looked at the script. i said i can make some adjustments to get a little bit of science. >> stephen: because you are america's most famous astrologer, aren't you? >> neil: [laughs] no, i'm just saying i have a very low bar when it comes

to artists seeking my advice, wisdom, participation. all i'm saying is if i'm not in the movie, then there is no science in the movie. >> stephen: do put some science into astrology? >> neil: no, i try to help at a little bit. >> stephen: does your character say "this is all bull[bleep]?" >> neil: no, there was a scene that didn't make it to the final cut. i made it clear the zodiac has 13 constellations, not 12. it's called ophiuchus. in scorpio, if you think your in scorpio, if you think you're a scorpio, you're probably ophiuchus. since 2,000 years ago all the constellations have shifted by month.

earth is processing on its axis. most scorpios are actually ophiuchans. they are currently librans. >> stephen: wow, that is science. we are going to take a quick break, but don't go away. we'll be right back with more neil degrasse tyson, everybody. pills. good to go binge-watch. good to go out even later. with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider, just 6 times a year. don't receive cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients, or if you're taking certain medicines, which may interact with cabenuva. serious side effects include allergic reactions, post-injection reactions, liver problems, and depression. if you have a rash and other allergic reaction symptoms, stop cabenuva and get medical help right away.

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>> neil: i'm not as useful as the professor on "gilligan's island." >> stephen: got it. hey, everybody, we are back with

the star. we are back with the author. he is the star of everything he's in but he's the author of "starry messenger," neil degrasse tyson. there's a total solar eclipse coming up on april 8, is that what it is? >> neil: yes, april 8. this year. [cheering] >> stephen: across the united states. my understanding is this one is going to be a little bit longer of a total eclipse because the moon is a little full bit closer to us than it was. >> neil: sometimes the moon is closer. sometimes we are closer from the sun and you get various combinations of that dictate how long it takes the moon to pass in front of the sun and for this one at peak will be about four and a half minutes. that's not too bad. >> stephen: that's quality. the new book -- it's not a new book. in paperback, that's what's new. "starry messenger: cosmic perspectives on civilization." you say a cosmic perspective can help ease the political divide in the united states. how so, my friend? >> neil: well, all the things we argue about over holiday meals,

you know, when your weird aunts and uncles come by and everybody fights, especially thanksgiving, so much of what we describe as the tropes of your opponent dissolve away on analysis. so you can't start this from either of those positions. you've got to step above, cosmic perspective, looking above and then you realize what's one trope? one would be liberals like heaping upon conservatives that they are antiscience, okay? that's true. but sitting squarely in the liberal communities are people who are into feather energy and crystal healing and homeopathic medicines. they are into things that some or all of mainstream science completely rejects. >> stephen: for instance, on the far end of the left on the far end of the right you get anti-vax meeting each other. >> neil: anti-vax. so the liberal left cannot claim the science high ground in that

argument. you are saying you don't like science and we do. no, that's not how that works. not only that, if you are conservative right, you say the liberals are taxing. we hate taxes. and then meanwhile ranked states by who receives the most tax money relative to what they pay, it's red states, states that voted red in 2020. so if you drop taxes, they will get hurt the most by this. you don't have to be an astrophysicist to see this. you just have to think data. analyze it. >> stephen: neil. neil. neil. neil. [cheering] neil. neil. you know, yuval noah harari was on the show, who wrote "sapiens" was on last night. >> neil: i had him on my podcast. >> stephen: i had him on my show. not a contest. what he was saying is the

decisions that we make, the political decisions we make are not based upon facts, they are based upon stories we tell ourselves and others so what story can science tell us? often it's an emotional thing that motivates us politically. what story can science tell us that brings us together? >> neil: in the universe we are trying to understand stars, galaxies, the temperatures, pressures. everything happens on a continuum. we need vocabulary and a mind-set to recognize that whereas humans have this urge to put you in a box. are you with me? are you against me? are you a boy or are you a girl? is it high or low? are you black or white? anybody who's looked at the actual world will recognize that all of those features come on a spectrum. they are on the spectrum. it's on the spectrum but you're forcing everybody into categories, that makes it easy for you to tribalize. but if instead you see everybody on a spectrum, you can't tribalize that. you have to recognize a continuum connects me to that

person. once you realize that, i think you're more prone to have a conversation. [cheering] we live in a world... ♪ ♪ thanks for that guitar chord. we live in a world where if you post an opinion, people attack the opinion. i'm thinking, i don't remember that in my day. you have an opinion. that's your opinion. here's my opinion. you'd talk about it. then you'd go have a beer. that's not what happens today. you post an opinion that it gets attacked by people who are angry that your opinion is not identical to theirs and i'm thinking to myself, if they get their way, what kind of country does this become? if everyone has exactly the same opinion? that's not the country i grew up with. i don't think that's what our founding fathers had in mind. for e pluribus unum, for the many we have one. so i am worried about this. but cosmically, we don't simply put things into small categories.

once we recognize the spectrum, it's like yeah, we are one and the same. [applause] no other way i can parse that. >> stephen: you parsed it perfectly, neil. as always. "starry messenger" is available now in paperback. neil degrasse tyson, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian ariel elias. you're not busy are you? [buzzer] ♪♪ game time. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ managing your diabetes just got easier. the powerful, new dexcom g7 lets you see your numbers on your watch and phone

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>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, my next guest coming to the stage is a wonderful stand-up comedian who is currently on a nationwide tour. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ariel elias. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ariel: thank you so much. look, every comedian has a horror story of a comedy show gone very bad. it's not this. this is cool. my horror story is a little unique because it went very viral. okay, what happened was, i was doing a comedy show in new jersey, which don't.

i don't know if any of you guys are from new jersey, but it's a weird -- all right, all right. it's a weird place. it's the only place i've ever been where you can buy a gun but you can't turn left. i was doing a show there and i'm at the show this woman started heckling me. we got into this big back-and-forth. then as she and her husband were getting kicked out, her husband threw a full can of beer at me. so i picked up the beer and chugged the rest of it. [applause] and the video of that went very viral. like, changed my life for the better viral, like i'm doing colbert, changed my life for the better viral. and i've been trying to figure out what lesson to take from that whole experience. and so far, all i've come up with is that finally my alcoholism paid off.

because i have a lot of friends who don't drink anymore who saw that video and said to me, like, "oh, my gosh, i don't know what i would have done in that situation." i was like, "you would have relapsed." this woman, she was heckling me because she figured out from one of my jokes which you'll hear in a little bit that i voted for joe biden. [cheering] she did not have that reaction. that's genuinely all that happened is i told the joke, she figured out i voted for joe biden, and then her husband threw a can of beer at me. i don't care who you guys voted for or who you're going to vote for, but let me say personally for me it genuinely sucks to have taken a beer can for joe biden. because it's not a cool person to take a beer can for. beyonce would be a cool person

to take a beer can for. i'm going to vote for him again. i love that he's tired. i do. i think that's a great quality to have in the president of the united states. every world leader should be 90 and exhausted, just too tired. if they didn't have the energy to put us in danger, it would be so much better. there's so much stuff that we as civilians never find out about so it's entirely possible there was a night where joe biden was going to press the nuclear button. and then it got late. [applause] and we all get another day. i'm just saying whether you agree with joe biden or disagree with him, one thing you have to say for him is that every decision he makes, he has slept on it. i think that's positive.

[applause] when the beer can was thrown at me, i thought it was the woman who was heckling who threw it because it missed. and then i found out later that it was her husband who threw it, and i think about those two people all the time. i do. i know i shouldn't, but i think about them so much because they're terrible people, right, we can all agree on that. but they're a great couple. wow, i saw true love that night. because that night i got home and i couldn't sleep, i had all this adrenaline, and i just kept playing it over and over in my head because that's what happens with trauma. i was thinking yeah, she started the fight, and then her husband finished the fight. and i rolled over in bed and saw my husband and i was like, oh, i don't think he would do that

for me. like, they're terrible people, but i want what they have. 'cause that's a couple that really finishes each other's setences. in prison. [applause] okay, here's the joke i told that she got mad at. i have a lot of insecurities. i'm a very insecure person and i realized that my insecurities had gotten out of hand when i went to get an iud, which you guys seem cool, but if you don't know what an iud is, if you're visiting new york, an iud, it's birth control that goes in you and then it gets you through two administrations. [laughter and applause] i think that was the line that tipped her off.

when i was getting my iud, my doctor as she was putting it in, she stopped halfway through and she said, "hey, i know this is gonna be surprising to you, but you actually have a very narrow canal, and it's so narrow, we almost couldn't do this procedure. and i was like, "stop." that's so nice. thank you." she was like, "it's a real medical condition." thank you so much. i'm ariel elias. ú>> stephen: you can catch ariel on tour now and for tour info, check out her website, arieleliascomedy.com ariel elias, everybody. we'll be right back. - temperatures cooling down as we head into the weekend and stronger onshore...

ah, i stepped off the coast again. - the winds are really picking up. - fog spreading farther inland. - and in the north bay, you're gonna get soaked. (water splashing) - [narrator] presenting the bay area's only virtual weather studio. next level weather. - as i lift this, you can actually see... - [narrator] on kpix and pix+. (wind blowing) it's that real. (water splashing) - let's move on to the seven-day now.

is there a deeper purpose in your journey recording artist victory boyd shares how the lord has given her a vision to blaze a new trail for future artists.

you're looking at some real jack in the box haters. yeah, they exist. they have no idea they're about to try my new smashed jack. this is good. it's very fresh. i like the sauce. i'm a saucy woman. probably not the best. not the best... she came in a white sedan. tow it. almost like a flavor bomb. i don't think it's a fast food hamburger. this is more like homemade. -it's me! -ahahaha! oh shoot, jack! if this is your new burger... yeah? -i'm going to you. say hello to the best-rated burger in fast food. welcome to jack in the box! ♪ so if you're happy and you know it ♪ ♪ throw you hands up and show it ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ and if you love the life you're living ♪ ♪ go ahead and dive right in ♪ ♪ and shake it, shake it like you mean it, do a little dance ♪ ♪ show me what you got ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪ - [announcer] find your happiness in san diego. >> stephen: good night! ♪ ♪