she's putting out her trash in bins. be like kate. the fact that they need to send that message says a lot. the city of new york responded then saying upon investigation this image has been photo shopped. >> oh really? >> however, those rat-proof lidded bins are very real, use them. another tell tale sign of life in new york. >> yeah, what's going on in new york, man? >> a rat-proof bin. >> you don't need to tell me twice to use the raf-proof thing. >> a lot of people spent a lot of time on that. >> yeah, they did. >> we spent a couple minutes on it just now. >> the problem was mounting. and you know when you go out in new york and you do see the garbage piled up in bags, i guess they want them to use the bin. >> that would be preferable, yes. >> t least we >> yesterday on truth social, former president trump took credit for taylor swift's wealth and success.

this is on the heels of trump also taking credit for the record-high stock market under biden. >> but those weren't the only successes trump took credit for. >> i'd like to congratulate the winner of the super bowl, donald trump. i won by a lot. the score was 10 trillion-0. many polls have come out that i easily beat kansas city and san francisco. i am better for taylor swift than travis kelce. don't forget. i was the halftime show. they call me usher. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... here we snow again! plus, stephen welcomes john oliver! and musical guest killer mike. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now live on tape

from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: beautiful. have a good show. you're very kind. thanks, everybody. please have a seat. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] folks... i hope all my viewers in the northeast are battening down the hatches, because tomorrow, this region is supposed to get a whole lotta snow. at least that's what we've been told by the people who do this. [laughter]

now, here in new york city, they're predicting the biggest snowstorm in two years. now, if anybody out there has never been to new york in a snowstorm, it goes like this. one hour of beautiful fresh powder, three weeks of mount kiliman-garbage. the city is supposed to get up to 8 inches before 2:00 p.m. tomorrow in a nor'easter forecasters are predicting will be "quick but intense." nothing to be ashamed of, nor'easter. you haven't snowed in two years, of course you're excited. perfectly normal to have premature precipitation. premature precipitation. not that easy to say. thanks to the snow, tomorrow, all new york city public schools will have remote classes. and i know people knock remote learning, but studies show there is no better way for your children to get in 8 hours of minecraft.

of course, we're all still recovering from last night's epic overtime super bowl victory for the kansas city chiefs [cheers and applause] over the san francisco 49ers. in, um, i forget which city it was. travis? >> viva las vegas! viva las vegas! viva! viva! las vegas! >> stephen: somehow he was able to get drunk between the end of the game and the trophy. that's dedication. after the ceremony, travis hopped back onto the field for a much-anticipated smooch from taylor swift. [cheers] yassss! i love their love. also, i bet $500 there'd be no tongue. pay up, draft kings. there was one especially controversial ad during the game. it was supporting independent presidential candidate and man whose body is in

a may-december romance with his head, robert kennedy, jr. the ad used images and music from his uncle john f. kennedy's 1960 presidential campaign. well, kennedy's family has slammed the ad, especially his cousin bobby shriver, whose mother eunice kennedy shriver is featured in the ad. shriver said his mother "would be appalled by his deadly health care views. respect for science, vaccines, and health care equity were in her dna." to which rfk jr., replied, "only because her dna was altered by the vaccine. #horsepastelife." he's got a point. he's got a point. it's a stupid point, but he has a point. bobby jr. did eventually post this tweet: "i'm so sorry if the super bowl advertisement caused anyone in my family pain. the ad was created and aired by the american values super pac without any involvement or approval from my campaign. fec rules prohibit super pacs from consulting with me

or my staff. i love you all. god bless you." that is a very nice apology that would seem even more sincere if he hadn't pinned the ad at the top of his twitter feed. [laughter] kind of insulting. that's like sending someone a card that says, "my deepest apologies for rubbing my ass on this card." [cheering] you gotta seal the envelope somehow. of course, the biggest losers last night were right-wing internet wackos. you see, they had a conspiracy theory out there that the nfl had somehow rigged the chiefs' playoff game so that they would make it to the super bowl, where taylor and travis would endorse president biden halfway through. so, during the halftime show? now, i know that sounds crazy, but there is precedent. remember when madonna did this in 2012. ♪ open your heart i like mitt romney! ♪

[laughter] yeah. people forget. people forget about that. such short memories. after the chiefs won, biden trolled all the trolls by tweeting the dark brandon meme with the phrase, "just like we drew it up." ha-ha! i gotcha! brrr-booo! [cheering] because... 'cause if there's one thing right-wing conspiracy theorists have, it's a sense of humor about themselves. "hey, qanon, wanna come to my pizza party?" biden also gave a super bowl address on twitter from what appears to be a movie theater. >> you know, when buying snacks for the game, you might have noticed one thing. sports drinks bottles are smaller. a bag of chips has fewer chips, but they're still charging us just as much. >> stephen: [whispering] uh, sir, i know they used to put more chips in every bag, but we're 15 minutes into

"argylle." could we talk about this later? thank you very much. can't put your feet on the seat in front of you. thank you. then biden proceeded to give the candy companies the business. >> some companies are trying to pull a fast one by shrinking the products little by little and hoping you won't notice. gimme a break. the american public is tired of being played for suckers. i'm calling on companies to put a stop to this. >> stephen: hell yeah, joe! it is time to name names. chex mix! stop putting those rock-hard toast discs in there. cracker jacks! cracker jacks! a piece of paper with one riddle is not a prize. you gotta gimme a whistle or any choking hazard! tootsie rolls! tootsie rolls! congratulations, you tricked me into eating a chocolate candle! you feel big now? come on! [cheers and applause] last thursday, we finally got

the report from the special counsel investigating joe biden's retention of classified documents, robert hur. hur's investigation found insufficient evidence to charge the president with any crime. but the report did contain one bombshell. after a 15-month investigation, special counsel hur has determined joe biden is old. and i'm sorry you all had to find out this way. turns out, he's not just old. hur said the president could be described as "a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with poor memory." kinda going off road in a report about classified documents. "your honor, we the jury have reached a verdict. we find the defendant not guilty of murder. but he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny." now, here's the thing. we fact-checked this last thursday, and it turns out, joe biden is old. i said double-check today, and it turns out he's older.

now, maybe that's a problem. maybe that's not. one thing's for sure is that a lot of democrats panicked. paul begala rent his garments, rubbed ashes on his head, and went to live in a cave. james carville chewed off his own leg. some people begged biden's team to improve the lighting at his public appearances. there ya go. 'cause under a harsh fluorescent bulb, biden looks like this. but in natural light, he looks like this. it's the lighting. that's all it is. some say it's the lighting. other democratic operatives are pushing for biden to use better make-up. explains maybelline's new slogan. "maybe she's born with it. maybe she's the only thing standing between us and the complete collapse of american democracy." [applause] here's the thing. here's the thing. hur's extracurricular description of the president

already have about his advanced age. but we are where we are. for unless something drastic happens, it's biden versus trump. voters are just going to have to choose between a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory or a contemptible, malicious elderly rapist with a poor memory [cheering] i don't know what to do. not only that, but one who keeps saying stuff like this. >> nato was busted until i came along. i said everybody's gonna pay. one of the presidents of a big country stood up and said, "well, sir, if we don't pay and we're attacked by russia, will you protect us?" "no, i would not protect you. in fact, i would encourage them to do whatever the hell they want." >> stephen: that's right. pay up, europe. [booing] pay up, europe, or he's going to encourage russia to invade you.

"hey, belgium, nice little country you got here. why don't you fork over the cash, or let's just say you're gonna sleep with the waffles." [cheering] sure. and this is not just some slip of the tongue. it's a long-held belief. back in 2020, trump even told e.u. president ursula von der leyen, "you need to understand that if europe is under attack, we will never come to help you and support you." never come to help you or support you. you know what? that's actually kinda sweet. he quoted his wedding vows. speaking of which... [cheering] speaking of which, trump was in south carolina this weekend and used the opportunity to go after nikki haley's marriage. >> then she comes over to see me at mar-a-lago. "sir, i will never run against you."

shebrought her husband. where's her husband? oh, he's away. he's away. what happened to her husband? [shouting] what happened to her husband? where is he? he's gone. >> stephen: to be fair, trump struggles with object permanence, so this is what he sounds like when anything leaves his field of vision. "the ball rolled behind the couch. where is ball? ball is away. what happened to ball? [shouting] what happened to ball? ball gone." all gone. [applause] where ball? peekaboo. fun fact: nikki's husband, michael haley, is away because he's a national guardsman serving a voluntary yearlong deployment in djibouti. ooh. turns out he's a service member. that is a kick in the dji-balls.

now unrelated to this, as soon as melania heard about this story, she joined the national guard. you know. [applause] you know their slogan, "be all you can be best." haley's husband weighed in, tweeting a meme that said "the difference between humans and animals? animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack." ooh. [cheers and applause] ooh. ooh. trump responded with his own version of the meme, proving how smart he is. "this is a whale." on friday, trump was talking to what's left of the nra and tried a new tactic to scare up the vote in the keystone state. >> so pennsylvania is one of the most important battleground states in the nation. if you live in this commonwealth, register everyone

you know and get them out to vote. we have to. we have to win in november, or we're not going to have pennsylvania. they'll change the name. they're going to change the name of pennsylvania. >> stephen: "yes. they're going to make pennsylvania woke, okay? they're gonna make pennsylvania trans. they're gonna change the name to transylvania, home of count dragula." we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is john oliver. but when we come back, it's "meanwhile"! join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by always ultra thins with the rapid dry technology that absorbs two times faster than the leading store brand.

en gush. say goodbye gush fears! thanks to always ultra thins... with rapiddry technology... that absorbs two times faster. hellooo clean and comfortable. always. fear no gush. [ alarm ringing ] there they are! everybody get their banking done? let's go! drive! we got to go! someone's in a hurry. annnd doo-do-do-doooo-do! one mississippi. two mississippi. -can we go!? -yeah! faster! oh, no sirree. you see, i get discounts for my safe driving with snapshot from progressive. you should see my savings -- they're nuts. you told us he was a skilled wheelman. no, i'm a wheelman. it's a family name on my mother's side. -what? -irish. (vo) welcome to lobsterfest. is your party ready? ready to tango with tails on my mother's side. on tails on tails? try lobster lover's dream with two lobster tails and lobster & shrimp linguini. it's one of ten next-level lobster creations. but lobsterfest won't last, so hurry in.

(marci) so, how long have you lived here? (opponent) over forty years. (marci) and how are the restaurants around here? are they good, bad, meh? what's the average household income? is there a mall? i don't know. a hair salon? where do you get your hair done? (opponent) you gonna move, or what? (marci) oh, i'm sorry. it's a lovely neighborhood. (luke) marci, we've gotta go. (marci) i'm coming! (luke) we've got seventeen thousand more parks to visit. (marci) you wanna give me a hand? (luke) we bring you the best neighborhood info. (vo) ding dong! homes-dot-com.

detect this: living with hiv, craig learned he can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. that's why he switched to dovato. dovato is a complete hiv treatment for some adults. no other complete hiv pill uses fewer medicines to help keep you undetectable than dovato. detect this: leo learned that most hiv pills contain 3 or 4 medicines. dovato is as effective with just 2. if you have hepatitis b, don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients or taking dofetilide. this can cause serious or life-threatening side effects. if you have a rash or allergic reaction symptoms, stop dovato and get medical help right away. serious or life-threatening lactic acid buildup and liver problems can occur. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. dovato may harm an unborn baby. most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. detect this: you could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. ask your doctor about dovato.

it's your time to cache in... so don't just play... stay at northern california's premier casino resort. book your getaway now... ...at cachecreek.com.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band. the sidewinder. [cheers and applause] i tell you.

thank you, everybody. please have a seat. have a seat, everybody. we have a high old time last may doing the show after the super bowl. that was exciting to do a show for one specific thing. we didn't mean to do it live. we meant to do it just a little bit after the super bowl so the jokes could be about what we saw on the super bowl but then the super bowl went so damn long that we actually recorded the show live that night. that's always a little exhausting because i'm so excited after a live show that i can't go to bed until like 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. but when you're feeling a little under the weather because you been up late at night, there's really only one name on the board about who you're talking to that night. mr. john oliver will be out here. [cheering] yeah, yeah. folks, following the show, stick around for "after midnight" with taylor tomlinson.

folks, i spend most of my day right over there in the news armory, hand-hammering the day's biggest stories into the most topical passguard, cuirasse, greaves, and vamplates, then carefully gilding it all with the tudor rose and cipher of elizabeth i to produce for you the powerful yet exquisite jacob halder cumberland armor garniture that is my monologue. but sometimes, i crash a stolen jet ski into an abandoned grist mill where i use a busted chunk of cinder block to pound a corrugated shard into a cask and plonk it on my dome to charge into battle against my demons wearing the slapdash berzerker's skull bucket of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile"! >> stephen: this is the armor of the lord, the armor of truth. meanwhile, a kentucky school has declared super bowl monday a school holiday. students are encouraged to take

the day to observe family traditions like washing vomit off the ceiling and bailing uncle pat out of jail again. according to the school district's facebook page, giving students the day off is "just another way that we are reimagining school." specifically, we are reimagining it as a place that is closed. meanwhile, it's new york fashion week, and this year, baby bumps rule and tots are taking to the runway as fashion celebrates motherhood. yes, the fashion industry salutes mothers everywhere. because you produce children with the tiny hands that can work the looms real good. [laughter] a little bit. meanwhile, taco bell just unveiled new dessert items that were inspired by mountain dew's baja blast, including this baja pie. not sure what the flavor is, but i'm going to guess... crest?

meanwhile, the usda is warning that trader joe's chicken pilaf may contain rocks. we should have seen this coming. it says right on the package "new: boulder flavor." thank you. thank you. meanwhile, breaking news from 5 million years ago, because a 13-year-old found a 5-million-year-old fossil, and now there's a new species of walrus named in his honor. introducing the new species, kyle. meanwhile, in food news, pizza hut will deliver goodbye pies with a break-up message for valentine's day. oh, good. because up till now, giving your loved one pizza hut for valentine's only implied that you wanted to break up. here's how she works. here it is.

according to their website, "breakups are awkward. we can help. send a free hot honey good-bye pie from now through valentine's day, and the delivery driver will deliver the bad news in the best way." we do not pay delivery drivers enough. "uh, one medium pie for doug? here you go. also, liz says these past two years have been great, but you don't want kids and she does. but you know what they say about broken hearts. no one out-pizzas the hut." [applause] meanwhile, apple's vision pro buyers are upset to discover that vr porn doesn't work, with one user claiming it's a "$3,500 chastity belt." i think you're wearing it wrong.

the gripe that users have is that the vision pro will only play "flat" videos from explicit websites like pornhub, but there's no feature that plays pornographic footage as a 180-degree side-by-side video, a more immersive type of video. and with no immersive video, it just makes the prospect of watching pornography in public while wearing $3,500 goggles seem wrong. wrong. wrong. meanwhile, in sports news, recently, a few billionaires announced "the enhanced games, billed as the doping-legal olympics." and now, in order to win the biggest prize at the enhanced games, australian swimmer james magnussen says he'll "juice to the gills." literally. he's gonna take so many drugs he will grow actual gills. we'll be right back with john oliver.

you're not busy are you? [buzzer] ♪♪ game time. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ at tj maxx, you can afford to turn your closet into a place of endless expression. with the quality, styles, and prices you love. ♪♪ i'll be honest. by the end of the day, my floors...yeesh. but who has the time to clean? that's why i love my swiffer wetjet. it's a quick and easy way to get my floors clean. wetjet absorbs and locks grime deep inside. look at that! swiffer wetjet.

if you're living with hiv, imagine being good to go without daily hiv pills. good to go binge-watch. good to go out even later. with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider, just 6 times a year. don't receive cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients, or if you're taking certain medicines, which may interact with cabenuva. serious side effects include allergic reactions, post-injection reactions, liver problems, and depression. if you have a rash and other allergic reaction symptoms, stop cabenuva and get medical help right away. tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems, mental health concerns and if you are pregnant,

breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions, fever, and tiredness. with cabenuva, you're good to go. ask your doctor about switching. it's time. yes, the time has come for a fresh approach to dog food. everyday, more dog people are deciding it's time to quit the kibble and feed their dogs fresh food from the farmer's dog. made by vets and delivered right to your door precisely portioned for your dog's needs. it's an idea whose time has come. ♪♪ (♪♪) like overpriced concessions. (♪♪) (♪♪) at metro, there's no exploding bills and nada yada yada. only at metro.

♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen. my guest tonight is my most frequent guest and the host of "last week tonight with john oliver." please welcome back to "the late show," mr. john oliver. ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] uh, hi, john. >> john: it's great. it's great to be back. >> stephen: i see you brought a plus one. >> john: yeah. >> stephen: is this mickey from steamboat willie? >> john: it is steamboat willie's mickey mouse which is now available for public use. it's not mickey mouse. i can't stress that enough. luckily there is no resemblance so there shouldn't be confusing. this is steamboat mickey which

is in the public domain now. therefore he can help promoting any nondisney related show and it's great to have the mouse here. >> stephen: wow. it's a mouse. definitely a mouse. >> john: he was in the rodent family, that's what we know. >> stephen: you have, for some time now, been baiting the walt disney corporation. which is a notoriously litigious organization. it's up there with scientology, the amount of attorneys they employ. trying to bait them to sue you. >> john: yeah. i feel like i have been ignored so they left me with no choice but to take this up a [bleep] notch. [cheering] yeah. that's why i'm so happy to have steamboat mickey here with you. >> stephen: okay. that's my question. i know you enjoy being sued.

okay? or else you wouldn't be trying to get someone else to sue you. i've been sued many times. am i an accomplice by having him on? >> john: wouldn't it be more fun to be in a courtroom together? >> stephen: that's true. that is true. i object! >> john: [laughs] i object. i didn't know he was going to bring mickey on my show. we have been sued once and we won it once. therefore i take from that but i'm legally indestructible. >> stephen: i was about to say, spoken like a man who's never lost a lawsuit. this fun you're having. this is fun. >> john: it is fun. there is no funner surface to dance on than thin ice. >> stephen: it's entertaining for everyone. there is you dancing. we get to enjoy the way you dance. but there's also suspense. >> john: that's right. what's that cracking sound? did someone step on a goldfish or is the ice going in? >> stephen: my fear with

things like this is that i'm not dancing on thin ice pretty soon i'll be pounding on thick ice from the bottom. >> stephen: our poster this year features steamboat willie mickey mouse here. so we're very lucky to have him. do you have the poster? >> stephen: i do have the poster. >> john: this is our poster for this year. the tagline is "what are they gonna do, sue?" which i think, i think is a legitimate question. we can talk privately now. my work here is done. mickey. steamboat mickey. steamboat mickey. ladies and gentlemen. there he goes. off he goes. there he is. [cheering] >> stephen: yeah. i promise to visit you in jail. >> john: it'll probably be fine. they've got a good sense of humor over there. >> stephen: last night, last night. the super bowl.

>> john: by the way, you look great. >> stephen: thank you very much. the miracle of makeup, my friend. you have been an american citizen for over four years now, correct? so legally you have to have a favorite part of the super bowl. what was it? >> john: i always loved the super bowl before i lived here. it's the most fascinating thing for the rest of the world to watch. almost a cautionary tale and yet something you aspire to be, the city on the hill. atlantic city. i loved usher on roller-skates. that was a nice surprise. i think he has raised the bar. every performer should reveal a skill no one knew they had. i knew he could dance. i knew he could sing. i didn't know he could roller-skate. i want to see bruno mars struggling. i want to see lady gaga naming the state capitals. and the commercials were great. a lot of scientology. >> stephen: sure, absolutely.

>> john: drilling home the idea of, don't listen to what you've heard about us or read well reported about us. why not give it a try? >> stephen: come on in. don't tell any family members where you are. >> john: they are just holding you back from your greatest potential. and volkswagen going with a nostalgia ad which feels really historically bold. >> stephen: it really does. did they say what year? >> john: if i'm remembering this right, it started in black-and-white. whoa! and they are pulling a blanket off a car. you think, what's this going to be? volkswagen. do you not remember the thing i definitely do? here's the first volkswagen making it to america. and you think mm-hmm, but that's not where it started, is it? let's go back. if we are going to do history, let's do all of it and we will see some tightly tailored hugo boss suits back in germany. >> stephen: i think the first volkswagens to leave made their way to argentina.

>> john: they loved them in argentina. didn't they like it? >> stephen: we have to take a quick break but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with more john oliver, everybody. detect this: living with hiv, robert learned he can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. that's why he switched to dovato. dovato is a complete hiv treatment for some adults. no other complete hiv pill uses fewer medicines to help keep you undetectable than dovato. detect this: marnina learned that most hiv pills contain 3 or 4 medicines. dovato is as effective with just 2. if you have hepatitis b, don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients or taking dofetilide. this can cause serious or life-threatening side effects. if you have a rash or allergic reaction symptoms, stop dovato and get medical help right away. serious or life-threatening lactic acid buildup and liver problems can occur. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. dovato may harm an unborn baby. most common side effects are headache, nausea,

diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. detect this: you could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. ask your doctor about dovato. alice loves the scent of gain so much, you could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. she wished there was a way to make it last longer. say hello to your fairy godmother alice and long-lasting gain scent beads. part of the irresistible scent collection from gain! (♪♪) some people just know that the best rate for you

is a rate based on you, with allstate. because you know that just because it fits in the cupholder doesn't make it 'to-go'. and you know how to brake, without breaking everything. and you're definitely not doing -okay, i don't even know what this is, but you're definitely not doing that. with allstate you're connected to a rate based on you. (♪♪) with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis, my skin was no longer mine. my active psoriatic arthritis joint symptoms held me back. don't let symptoms define you. emerge as you. with tremfya®, most people saw 90% clearer skin at 4 months... ...and the majority stayed clearer, at 5 years. tremfya® is proven to significantly reduce joint pain, stiffness and swelling it's just 6 doses a year, after 2 starter doses. serious allergic reactions may occur. tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms

or if you had a vaccine or plan to. emerge as you. emerge tremfyant®. ask you doctor about tremfya®.

>> stephen: we're back with the host of "last week tonight" and future defendant, john oliver. now, the game must have been particularly enjoyable to you

because, as what we call a soccer fan because so many field goals, so many kicks. is it gratifying for football players to be finally using their feet? >> john: [laughs] yeah, feet were represented last night, yes. i like to see things kicked. that's for sure. so it was nice to see that particular string in their bow used. very very fun. also messi was in a commercial. again, for a non-american citizen seeing messi, oh, wow. this is a big deal. messi is pretending he likes a drink for you. >> stephen: does he not enjoy the drinks? >> john: what was it for? i can't remember. >> stephen: michelob ultra. >> john: he doesn't drink michelob ultra. there is no [bleep] way lionel messi drinks michelob ultra. we all saw him on the beach.

we saw him take a swig. there is no way. i wish mickey was here because i would have him involved in this as well. lionel messi does not drink michelob ultra. fact. >> stephen: thank you very much. anotherfun thing for people who don't follow so much football last night was that taylor swift was a big part of the game. >> john: sure she was. >> stephen: that was a lot of fun. i don't know if you're aware of this, but there are a bunch of fans of the both of you who have started using ai -- >> john: no, no, no. >> stephen: to put the two of you together. these are the kind of images people are putting up of the two of you. there is taylor. taylor and you, who i believe is an adjunct professor of cowboying. i'm not sure. here's another one. from a special called "taylor and the nearsighted prince." >> john: oh, no. >> stephen: she is super mad at you here for reasons i don't entirely understand.

>> john: why is she dating harry potter? >> stephen: i think you have broken up five years before. you are just getting back together and you are saying to her "i have no idea where your scarf is." were you aware? >> john: no, absolutely no idea. >> stephen: is this gratifying or does it upset you? >> john: it's a little bit upsetting just because it's getting better. i do think that might be useful for taylor in the future to think if she's not happy with anything in her life, she can look at that and think "it could be a lot worse. i'm really doing well. i love my family. i love my partner. that could have been me." >> stephen: do you think you could take travis kelce in a fight? >> john: [laughs] >> stephen: have you ever boxed an oak tree before? >> john: are we verbally sparring? >> stephen: [laughs] you are playing the dozens. >> john: i like to use words as fists.

i hope he respects that that's my weapon of choice. >> stephen: we are going to take another little break here but we'll be right back with more john oliver, y'all. (♪♪) ♪ healthier's not something that happens all alone ♪ ♪ it takes greg and lydia, and josie on the phone. ♪ ♪ it's grammy getting checked on in her favorite chair. ♪ ♪ or dolling herself up to go ♪ ♪ handle all of her care. ♪ ♪ with doctors to nurses ♪ ♪ and all the people in between ♪ ♪ healthier happens in more ways ♪ ♪ than ray's ever seen. ♪ ♪ healthier happens together. ♪ ♪ upbeat music ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ scout is protected by simparica trio and he's in it to win it!

simparica trio is the first chew with triple protection. whoa fleas! and ticks! (♪♪) intestinal worms! whoa! heartworm disease! no problem with simparica trio! this drug class has been associated with neurologic adverse reactions including seizures. use with caution in dogs with a history of these disorders. for winning protection— go with simparica trio. (coi leray & metro boomin, “enjoy yourself”) new axe black vanilla? yum! ♪ he like when i get dressed, ♪ ♪ i live life with no stress, ♪ ♪ he said that's my best flex. ♪ ♪ i hopped on a big plane, said i'm doing big things, ♪ ♪ gonna bring out the champagne...yeah. ♪ ♪ baby i'm cool, yeah, you know what to do, ♪ ♪ yeah, we got nothing to lose.♪ sfx: yacht's horn ♪ metro boomin want some more ♪ ♪ with the bosses, i just pull up in ♪ new axe black vanilla. get closer with the finest fragrances. if you're living with hiv, imagine being good to go without daily hiv pills.

good to go binge-watch. good to go out even later. with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider, just 6 times a year. don't receive cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients, or if you're taking certain medicines, which may interact with cabenuva. serious side effects include allergic reactions, post-injection reactions, liver problems, and depression. if you have a rash and other allergic reaction symptoms, stop cabenuva and get medical help right away. tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems, mental health concerns and if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions, fever, and tiredness. with cabenuva, you're good to go. ask your doctor about switching. is it menopause or something else? the menopause journey has stages.

learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator... that tracks your fsh hormone levels... combining them with your cycle data. what's your menopause stage? ( ♪♪ ) you made a cow! actually it's a piggy bank.

my inspiration to start saving. how about a more solid way to save? i'm listening. well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward, every month you save. both: cash reward? and there's a cash bonus when you open a new checking account to get you started. wow. anything you can't do? ( ♪♪ ) mugs. ♪ bmo ♪ >> stephen: i've got a general idea where they are. subject wise. hey, everybody. we're back with the host of "last week tonight," mr. john oliver. judging by this, obviously you have passionate fans out there.

do you get recognized on the street? what do they say to you when they come up to you on the street? can you see a fan coming? >> john: not really. not really. i don't know -- i don't really have -- i don't want a fan looks like. i used to say to my kids that when someone would say something, they would say who is that? i would say it was just a friend. it's easier than explaining it to them. they are so little. just a friend. that happened for a while. then i think they realized i wasn't friends with the city of new york. even a child would think that's unlikely. 8 million friends? then you have no friends. and so now i have kind of started explain they like a bit of work i do and don't worry about it and they say, we won't. >> stephen: how do you explain it? >> ohn: it's hard. eight and five. it's hard.

i got them to come for the first time to the studio. we're doing something about the bird of the year contest. i was dressed up, dressed up as a puteketeke. standing next to a gigantic puteketeke puppet they loved it. i think they think that's what i do. next week, they said are you going to dress as a bird again? not definitely, no, that's for sure. can i say how much i enjoy talking to you when you are this tired. it's so thrilling to me to see you physically fall apart in front of my eyes. 'cause you are doing an amazing job. you're doing great. but if i may quote your daughter, "you are professionally lying right now." and your eyes are telling the truth. i've never been more jealous of bradley cooper getting to sit here while your appendix was bursting. [laughter] >> stephen: that night i had more energy than i am giving you right now? >> john: yeah.

i think because you are really feeling. "oh, boy." >> stephen: sure, when you're on the edge of death, everything becomes very vivid, john. >> john: i watched it, knowing what was happening. i watched it. wow, look at that laser focus. that's what poison does for a man. >> stephen: there was two options. in other sports news. [laughter] >> john: a man who never ever uses guest question cards clinging to it like a life raft. please. >> stephen: it's true. i try to never ever actually use one of these. >> john: had never seen you touch it. >> stephen: fifa has announced that metlife stadium will host the 2026 men's world cup. the world's biggest soccer match will be in your backyard. how are you feeling? can new york handle this? [laughter and cheering] ready? watch.

i'll try it again. okay, let's talk about soccer. the world cup is going to have their final here at metlife stadium. that's exciting for you in your backyard, right? >> john: wow! look at that. oh, my god. illusion. >> stephen: illusion. >> john: i am very, very excited. >> stephen: can they handle new york? can new york handle them? >> john: read it. [laughs] i think i'm really excited the world cup is going to be here. but i can't be anymore excited by the world cup happening anywhere. so the fact it's more geographically close doesn't really mean much. >> stephen: have you been to a final? >> john: no, i've never been to a final. >> stephen: you can go to this one. >> john: i would love to go to the world cup final. i've called fifa a drug cartel quite a lot. it probably would be safer for me to go where as an american i'm legally more protected here. maybe. i would love to go.

they are a criminal enterprise. and messi does not drink michelob ultra at all. >> stephen: if you are afraid to go, why don't you go dressed up as steamboat mickey and they won't know that it's you. >> john: yes. yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: you have been a new yorker for how many years? >> john: 17. >> stephen: do you remember your first new york moment? >> john: i do, because it happened almost immediately. i was walking from my hotel to "the daily show" studio and there was a guy, like an offensive caricature of a new york scene. he was trying to cross the road and a cab nearly hit him. he started banging on the hood saying he was walking here. i thought, this is like ging to disney world. this is actually happening. then he took his drink and he threw it against the cab and yelled "you owe me a frappuccino!" [applause]

all the aggression up to that point was significantly undermined by his drink of choice. ooh, a fancy drink. fancy. you owe him quite a lot. >> stephen: well, season of -- [bleep] >> john: i'll do it. >> stephen: say the thing. say the thing. >> john: season 11 of "last week tonight" starts sunday -- he's tired -- on hbo. john oliver, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by killer mike!

you can make money the hard way as a bullfighter or a human cannonball... or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year! not only will you save hundreds but you'll also be joining millions who have connected to america's most reliable 5g network. sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. visit xfinitymobile.com today to learn more.

it's the work behind the scenes, let's take a look at this knee. that truly matters. [ physical therapy staff discusses results ] for your mind. for your body. and for the community. -team! kaiser permanente.

>> stephen: he is the winner of three grammy awards this year, including best rap album. performing "exit 9" from his album "michael," killer mike. [cheers and applause] >> michael. i want to dedicate this to my grandmother, betty. ♪ oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ with my '69 fire bird ♪ from the curb ♪ ♪ i done had to work it ♪ ♪ like a square ♪ ♪ and had to serve ♪ ♪ i'm listenin' to b.i.g. ♪ ♪ and dre ♪ ♪ and crumblin' on herb ♪ ♪ i'm pushin' down mlk ♪ ♪ with a quarter pound of herb ♪ ♪ passin' through the temp ♪ ♪ i say a prayer ♪ ♪ for fallen soldiers ♪

♪ rest in peace to bruce ♪ ♪ and may god be with dg yola ♪ ♪ god bless the dead ♪ ♪ that's for boonk ♪ ♪ that's for v ♪ ♪ and god protect the livin' ♪ ♪ that's for me ♪ ♪ and that's for sweet ♪ ♪ we done made it up from ♪ ♪ shorties sippin' forties ♪ ♪ livin' lawless ♪ ♪ finna flame ♪ ♪ diamond flawless ♪ ♪ and i fault this ♪ ♪ thank the lord i ain't ♪ ♪ a junkie, ain't an alcoholic ♪ ♪ the pride of atlanta ♪ ♪ michael render ♪ ♪ studied ballin' ♪ ♪ bring out the champagne ♪ ♪ roll up an airplane ♪ ♪ life is a rare thing ♪ ♪ life is a rare thing ♪ ♪ we rise, we fall ♪ ♪ even when back to wall ♪ ♪ i find a way i can maintain ♪ ♪ find a way i can maintain ♪ ♪ treat mlk like ♪ ♪ my memory lane ♪ ♪ ain't no feelin' the same ♪ ♪ hope you feelin' my pain ♪ ♪ i put my blood, sweat ♪ ♪ and tears in the game ♪ ♪ ain't no feelin' the same ♪ ♪ hope you feelin' my pain ♪ ♪ i remember them days ♪ ♪ makin' minimum wage ♪ ♪ i was tryna maintain ♪ ♪ look how far i done came ♪ ♪ pop champagne for the pain ♪ ♪ i'm campaigning for change ♪ ♪ all the progress we made ♪ ♪ bigger things on the way ♪ ♪ hoppin' over hurdles ♪ ♪ into my chevy converter ♪ ♪ swerve around them haters ♪ ♪ that don't wish to ♪ ♪ see me further ♪

♪ my campaign for champagne ♪ ♪ could've ended ♪ ♪ with my murder ♪ ♪ miss betty say ♪ ♪ "if you ain't saved in jesus' name, it's worser" ♪ ♪ i had to be my own boss ♪ ♪ not somebody else's worker ♪ ♪ i know the prayer she prayed ♪ ♪ for me ♪ ♪ still served as my preserver ♪ ♪ i know some of my actions ♪ ♪ they was taxin' ♪ ♪ and i hurt her ♪ ♪ but lord, if she listenin' ♪ ♪ please let her know ♪ ♪ i heard her ♪ ♪ let's bring out ♪ ♪ the champagne ♪ ♪ roll up an airplane ♪ ♪ life is a rare thing ♪ ♪ life is a rare thing ♪ ♪ we rise, we fall ♪ ♪ even when backs on wall ♪ ♪ i find a way ♪ ♪ i can maintain, yeah ♪ ♪ find a way ♪ ♪ i can maintain ♪ ♪ treat mlk like ♪ ♪ my memory lane ♪ ♪ ain't no feelin' the same ♪ ♪ hope you feelin' my pain ♪ ♪ i put my blood, sweat ♪ ♪ and tears in the game ♪ ♪ hope you're feelin' the same ♪ ♪ hope you feelin' my pain ♪ ♪ i remember them days making minimum wage ♪ ♪ i was tryna maintain ♪ ♪ look how far i done came ♪ thank y'all. [cheerig] >> stephen: killer mike, everybody.