gene, it's starting. i found this on your pillow! ah! oh, my god! quick, come me over! trump me! louise... what? you're not going bald, gene. apologize, louise. sorry. sorry. sorry. (scissors snipping) it's okay. what's the point of clinging to this, if i'm doomed to be that? huh. i don't know. lin. why wait? let's do it now. i want the whole bob. male-pattern baldness. hmm. stoop shoulders. stop. paunch. please. and the push broom on my lip. this is incredibly insulting. think about how i feel. you really let myself go. go to school. we're going. bye. remember, kids, this is just the student news, no pressure. i'll only be going back frame by frame and critiquing you on eye contact, presentation and how cool you are. you really want to do this? (sighs) okay, first up to the green screen, zeke with sports. comin' at ya, mr. grant! that game was tighter than a tater in a tailpipe. it was like two babies climbin' on the same boob. then we lost. wow, zeke, i feel like i was there.

next up, auditioning for field reporters, andy and ollie. back to you, andy. back to you, ollie. back to you, andy. back to you, ollie. if only you two were siamese twins. we can do that. oh, great! (grunting) that'd be super helpful if you could figure that out. it looks like it's working. we did it! so sweet. and, next up, for the coveted anchor spot, tammy. good luck, tammy. uh, i was born lucky, tina. 'cause i was born me and not you. and i'm a blonde now, so i'm better than you. (scoffs) i don't like what you say, but i admire the way you say it. wow, it's tammy with the news! whoo! ♪ news... news. tam, slam, thank you, ma'am. next up, tina. oh, hey, tina, little tip: you're a super fast talker, so talk really slow. thanks, tammy. whoa! that's still way too fast. mr. grant, i'm here because i have a nose for news. great. now about that green jacket... i'm tina with... (whispers): tina. ...with... the... (screams) paranormal activity! (screams)

oh, my god, i'm anchor! yes! yes! ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ (sings guitar riff) whoo! i am anchor! i'm staff intern? but i already had a sign-off. "good-bye, audience." well, maybe you could change it to "does anyone need juice?" does anyone need juice? hmm. maybe it'll work better when you have some juice. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] a truly unlimited life needs truly unlimited data from sprint. and now, get $100 off samsung galaxy phones at sprint stores and sprint.com.

only three dollars? crazy! [ male announcer ] yeah, crazy awesome. the oven roasted chicken $3 six-inch select, try it with melty cheese or banana peppers, still $3! now that's a great deal! subway. eat fresh. change! we didn't like the shape of chickens, so we changed them to nuggets. and sports drinks were boring, so we changed that with mio fit. you can flavor it your way. change your sports drink. change america.

so, what does the staff intern do? besides go on juice box runs?

yeah. oh, lots of things. you know, hand out the juice, make sure people are happy with their juice, clean up all the empty juice boxes. okay. isn't there any other important behind-the-scenes stuff i could do to help? well, there's editing music, effects. that stuff is a blast. great. but i do those. i mean, if you did them, what would i do? be the teacher? yeah, right, tina, that sounds great. i'll just teach. (sighs) little more off the top. sprinkle on the back and the ears. a little more glue. ♪ buh, buh, buh, buh show me, show me! voilà! it's perfect! i've been tarred and bobbed. i don't know how i got that arm hair to look so sad, but i did it. can i get in here? i need to... oh, my god! it's like looking in a mirror! no, it isn't, gene. who's gene? i already can't tell who's who. take that stuff off. lin, get in here and settle this! don't call your mother lin. what? oh! wha... h-hey! whoa, travel-size bob. aw. linda, you're encouraging him. i need the bathroom. oh. wow, this is confusing. no, it's not. you're my family and i love you,

but you're terrible. you're all terrible. i don't say that. well, that's all you say. you do. you kind of do. bob and gene: unbelievable. gene. bob. all right, enough. enough. i'm not doing this. yes, you are. no, i'm... oh, my god. oh, god. he's really good. he's good. he's not good, lin. he's not good, lin. he's good. gene! what, bob?! lin! lin! what? gene! lin! lin! gene! i'm leaving! aw, he's so cute. stop following me! stop following me in front! hi, mr. branca. careful, tina. slippery. (gasps) did mrs. persky's water break? i may have won the baby pool. worse. someone dragged in a dog turd. and this isn't the first time, either. you have great stories, mr. branca. i ever tell you you're, like, my best friend? oh. thank you. look, this news show competes for students' attention with cell phones, gossip and bathroom graffiti. we need to be faster, meaner, and graffiti-er! so, what i'm... i have a cran-apple, two grapes and a bunch of kiwi-strawberry. here's the crazy straw you asked for, zeke. extra crazy, just how you like it. could be crazier.

now, who knows the five w's of school news? oh, "who, what, where, when and sometimes why." or, is that vowels? no! they're "wow, woo-hoo, way hot, weird and what the mmm." every story we do should have all five. i got one: new kid nip slips! way hot, zeke! oh, whose parents are poor? woo-hoo, tammy! i've got one. the custodian says someone is tracking in dog poo. what the huh? less caca, more gaga, tina. anyone else? i hear there's a 45-year-old fourth grader with a mustache walking around school. now that's pretty "what the ah"! go with that. zeke: this is wsn, the news you need from the students you like. in your face! i'm tammy larson and these are the breaking stories. what's up with brenda? i mean, right? jimmy pesto junior previews dance moves the principal won't allow at winter prom. this one's out. can't do this. forget about this one. (grunts)

i love it, but it's not news. now, to our top story: lenny destefano-- is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? jocelyn, who's lenny going to the winter prom with? no one knows. he's going out with julie, but he's been texting the entire drill team and me. and me, also. jocelyn: oh. now to zeke with dodgeball highlights. thanks, tammy! here's a kid getting it in the muchachos. ooh! here's another dude, right in the easter eggs. boing! watch this geezer with a 'stache get his. (grunts) it's okay, i've had my kids. hey, tina, i saw the news. is that true about lenny and the drill team? julie deserves better. the school deserves better news. well, i just got back from the library. more shoe poopy got dragged in up there. all the way to the reference section. talk about encyclopedia brown. (laughs) i... i don't get it. wait, that's a pretty long way to track something in on a shoe.

i'm gonna poke around. something doesn't smell right. that's this. oh, yeah. so it is applesauce, but try to find it in the sauce aisle at the supermarket. you'll be sorely disappointed. anyway, i was looking for chutney. uh, is this a long story, teddy? i mean, it has been long, but is it longer? i haven't gotten to the story part yet. gene, i need you behind the counter. just stand here and i'll be right back. i'm not sure i appreciate being foisted off like this, bob. so, anyway, i end up in the ethnic food section. mm-hmm. it was like a whole new world opened up. mm-hmm. i bought baby food from india. those babies are tough. no joke on those slices. that's fascinating, teddy. little bob is great. yeah, i guess i'll keep him. (laughs) lin, stop. you stop. no, stop, lin. no, you stop, little bobby. mm-hmm, stop. bobby, stop. look at you two, you're like an old married couple. we put up with each other. all right, enough, gene. gene, get back to the kitchen. how could dog poop make it all the way up two flights of stairs and into the library on a shoe without being wiped off? tele-poop-tation? let's experiment. we need something

the exact same size and texture as poop. how about dad's burger? it's even the same color! great idea. (both making fart noises) what the hell are you kids doing? walking on one of dad's burgers to see how much like dog doo it is. oh, science. it's clean. that can mean only one thing: the poos must have come from inside the school. which means, they're probably human! i knew there was a story there. we're looking at a serial pooper. oh, my god. is it you, louise? i've dabbled in the area, but i don't get enough food to be a serial pooper. i, uh, probably only poop once a week. i think i'll call the culprit the mad pooper. ooh, i got a better one. the butt-ler. get it? i get it. it's got "butt" in it. (laughs, makes fart noise) butt. whatever we call him or her, it's definitely news. mr. grant: that's toilet journalism, tina. we do gutter journalism. but there's a mad pooper loose in the school. it's the job of the news to inform the public.

it's worth it, even if we save just one shoe. yuck. well said, tammy. (sighs) the mad pooper story is ten times bigger than lenny destefano's love life. and less disgusting. he'll put his lips on anything with pom-poms. wsn has a news monopoly. so do your own newscast. my own newscast? you think i could do that? who's the one yammering about her nose for news? me? yeah, this nose right here! ow! get it sniffing! snort some news up there! i can't snort 'cause you're holding my nose. there's gonna be lots of things holding you back! okay. snort it up! come on, cronkite, snort! it's for the good of the people! let me know when you got something. (girl screams) my diorama... got diarrheaed. i think i just snorted a story.

dad's old camcorder, a vcr and a videotape? say hello to your state-of-the-art studio. but, this is gene's birth. there's a lot of crowning stuff that can just be taped over. looks like an angry softball

trying to get out of a coin purse. hmm, okay. listen, princess, i don't even know what you're talking about, but you can do anything you set your mind to. and, no matter what, your mother and i will always love you. he's good. that kid just fathered the crap out of you. he did... okay. i did great. little preachy. you got a lot of shine on you, tina. (coughing) how did you get equal time on the school network? i told principal spoors i had incriminating pictures of him. because i drew some incriminating pictures of him. great, let's do this. these halls are calm now. but on wednesday, it was a different story. i left my shoebox diorama for a minute and someone pooped in it. it was about the industrial revolution. (crying) some call him the mad pooper. my mom calls him the butt-ler. by any name, these brown thumbtacks tell a tale of terror. excuse me, can i go get my medicine at the nurse's office?

shh. i'm watching this. oh. oh, no. who would do such a thing? we turn to an expert, mr. frond. it's someone trying to communicate. likely, a foreign- exchange student. he or she has something inside them they desperately want to get out. rage? poo. and what do wagstaff students think? my message to the mad pooper is: grow up! i did. whoever the mad pooper is, he or she is probably not finished. and if they're not, i'm not. in the hall, i'm tina belcher. louise: and we're clear. yes, i did it. take that, tammy. and holly hunter. louise: i lied, we're not clear. okay, now we're clear. i'll just edit that part out. oh, okay, good. ♪

(blowing air) (dull splat) ah, damn it, we got poop-scooped! tina's story is all anyone's talking about. tammy, what happened? well, you said gaga, not caca. this caca is gaga! now get me that story. i don't know how. do it, or i'll replace you with the weird twins. back to you, andy! back to you, ollie! whoa, okay, no, no, no! forget it. thanks. can i copy you like i do in math class? real news isn't about copying. and you shouldn't copy me in math. yeah, well, you should get a tutor, 'cause i got a "c." you got a "c"? wait, i got a "d." you know what? i'll do my own story. and it'll be way better than yours, you lame-pon. good, i hope it is. it will be. because then we'll have more information about the mad pooper... tina, we're trash-talking; stop turning it into a normal conversation. oh. sorry. um, skank? that's much better! uh, i hate your new hair color. give it to me! your eye shadow is a little much.

in the face! my face! our top story: is tina the mad pooper? what if actual surveillance footage existed showing tina in the act? let's go to a reenactment of what that footage might look like. she was always so quiet. yeah, she kept to herself. yeah, she did. she did. so, did tina create the very story she reported on? mr. grant is here to comment. when tina auditioned, frankly, i was physically afraid of her ambition. she would've done anything to get on tv. and now, apparently, she has. ah. and what if wsn had an exclusive video confession? me-- tina-- are-- mad-- pooper. you don't believe that just because it was on tv, right? got it. tina? principal's office, now. (kids gasping, murmuring) i didn't do it. follow the money. i'll take a poop detector test.

poop on me once, shame on you. poop on me twice, we're not best friends anymore! ♪ ♪ ♪ hey!y! pbpb! [ chililen laughghg ]

♪ ♪ ♪ they're coming. yeah. british. later. sorry. ok...four words... scarecrow in the wind... a baboon... monkey? hot stew saturday!? ronny: hey jimmy, how happy are folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico? jimmy: happier than paul revere with a cell phone. ronny: why not? anncr: get happy. get geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.

it's not me, it was a reenactment. if it didn't happen, then how could they reenact it? huh. uh, yeah. oh, you should be a teacher instead of secretary, ms. schnur. i know.

louise, why are you here? tammy didn't frame you. unrelated charge. and now we wait. at least you're guilty of something. i got framed. cry to principal spoors when he gets back from the anti-smoking assembly. (gasps) oh, my god, the assembly! the whole school is there. can you think of a better place for the mad pooper to strike? the super bowl, american idol, westminster dog show, upside-down roller coaster, international space station, yoga retreat, inside a t-shirt gun... if i could just get out of here, i could clear my name. i'll take care of ms. schnur. oh, no, look, they're towing a high-mileage, smallish car with a bumper sticker about a personal passion maybe? "my other car's a cat"? that's the one! no! i hope ms. schnur's car's okay. go, tina! oh, yeah. all right, missy, this better be good. louise, where's your sister? tina's not here, gene. don't you sass me! hey, i don't even let dad talk to me like that.

(panting): we got here as soon as we could. gene, what are you doing here? they called me! no, they called me. i can't believe my daughter is the butt-ler. i have no daughter! oh, don't say that, gene. yes, he should say that. come on, she's down at the assembly trying to clear her name. (sighs) our lives were so much simpler before the rug rats. we use to see movies... lin! sorry, but it's true. (applause) cigarettes are the real devil sticks. nicotine is a bad scene. you're here somewhere, mad pooper. let's stay focused; we got to find tin... ooh, jugglers! hey, can i get a light? sure, smoke 'em if you got 'em. this is kind of a weird message. i really want a cigarette. i really want to juggle. no sign? nothing. oh, my god, look. the pooper.

i need to get up there. but how? you could use that hydraulic scissor lift. perfect. i'll sneak up on him. i'll be as quiet as a mouse. kelly mathis and jocelyn are wearing the same scrunchie. but jocelyn is definitely wearing it better. mr. grant, look. it's tina. what's she doing up there? maybe she is the mad pooper. hey, we're better than we thought. let's get that camera. yeah, catch her in the act. on the big screen! that's a big load of news. look, everyone! it's the mad pooper! (screams) ah, it's tina! tina, what are you doing? get down! (crowd gasps) oh, my god! come out of the shadows, mad pooper. (crowd gasps) zeke? surprised? zeke's the butt-ler! why'd you do it, zeke? well, the first time was an accident. but the second time was for fun. then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, i was doing it for you, tina. aw. aw.

but now it's over. it's not over. i got one left! zeke, no. (chanting): poop! poop! poop! crowd (chanting): poop! poop! poop! poop! poop! stupid kids, listen to them. poop's not funny. i mean, it is a little, but what sort of message are we-- i can't stand it! i want to see him poop! i want to be a kid again! poop! poop! poop! oh, thank god. he's back. aw, i'll miss my muppet baby bobby. you don't have to do this. poop! poop! poop! poop! here we go. (grunts) this isn't an accident! no, it is, it is. (grunting): oh, god. oh, boy. it's taking a long time. it's a girl! uh, no, it's a boy! i guess we're really watching this. bobby, hold my hand. get out of there! no! (sighs) tammy, look out! (slow-motion): no...! our top story: the mad pooper almost nails me. i'm joined by the girl who saved my hair.

louise, it was so close. i thought it was going to be a lot closer, tammy, to be honest. but i miscalculated. wind, maybe. i was scared there was gonna be poop right into my mouth. let's go to the mad pooper himself, zeke, who, incredibly, is not in trouble. let's find out why. my family moves around a lot. his family moves around a lot. uh, wsn would like to apologize for any inadvertent suggestion that tina belcher was the mad pooper. our bad. and now, a new wsn feature: the tina table. is it getting hot in here? one study shows the school nurse's thermometer is off by one degree. she's here to discuss it. later, i'll talk to students about trading snacks at lunch. is it insider trading? no, it isn't. look at my news girl, her pretty head floating like a balloon. is it just me, or does tina look great without a torso? wonder how'd she look with a mustache and a bald spot? oh, i just remembered how to make paella. captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

(funky disco plays) ♪ my name is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place

♪ where everyone will know ♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) ♪ na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na ♪ ♪ turning 63, my dad is turning 63 ♪ ♪ i really think so ♪ doe, doe, doe, doe-doe, doe-doe. ♪ trying to please a man who don't want you. (doorbell rings) ooh, that's robert. how do i look? ugh, robert? he's the worst. no job, no family, does whatever he wants. i wish i was him. 'sup, doughboy? uch, robert! you're the worst. i wish i was you. dah! did you feel that? i didn't. hand over my ali-money. you'll never find it because i keep my money in a neck bag like a tourist. (both grunting) stop fighting over me! enough! i have had it! you must be the two biggest jackasses on the planet. oh, you know what i just remembered?

i don't have to listen to this. come on, roberta. i'm taking you out on your stepdaddy's dime. i hope we're going for pancakes. turd. (sighs) want to do it? no. cleveland, you and robert fighting has got to stop. maybe you can invite him to your dad's birthday party. okay. really? that's it? you'll just do it? sure. you're gonna wear me down eventually. i might as well just give in now. announcer: this joke brought to you by marriage. marriage-- it's just a never-ending compromise. singers: ♪ and a slow death... i'm captain johnny depp, and i put my artistic integrity in question for a billion dollars. (gasps) blackbeard! a blacker beard than jada pinkett smith. and you, sir, have enough booty for several pirates. let's do this. (both grunting)

by the way, nice costume. what's your beard made of? hair from the drain. no wonder you smell like cleveland's butt. he-yah! he-yah! (gasps) oh, suck! what was that noise? nothing. junior broke your recorder! really? my $1,100 berchtesgaden fleitl? damn it, this is why i told you not to play gay-disney pirate adventure in the house! both: we're sorry. you know i'm supposed to play the opening of the new christina ricci mistubishi dealership in tuckahoe this saturday. how am i supposed to do that now? why don't you use one of your other recorders? do you hear yourself?

do you think yo-yo ma would just play one of his other cellos if he broke petunia? probably. if he had to. well, i am not yo-yo ma! i'm yo-mama! and you best bring me a new one by saturday. we don't have $1,100! then i suggest you do what nine percent of americans are too lazy to do, and get a job. (clinking) mmm! (makes kissing sound) ugh! no, junior, it's not a wedding. i know. (clears throat) ladies and "genitalmen." (giggles) but seriously, there's a great man here today. that man... is me. (clears throat) but seriously... hey, bitch, show us your jugs! (laughter) easy, cheap laugh. for my father on his birthday, i have embroidered a tapestry depicting memorable moments in our relationship. and it's my gift to you. happy birthday.

wow, you actually made a quilt gayer than the aids quilt. hey, here's my gift, freight. well, al b. sure! a title fight in vegas! plane leaves in two hours. luther "black guy" jones versus mario "mexican guy" salazar. that fight's been sold out for months. how'd you get these? i pretended to be a make-a-wish kid named gerald. (chuckles) classic hustle. all right, let's get to vegas. but you can't go tonight! you haven't even tried to blow out the trick candles i got you-- (clears throat) i mean, regular candles. one blow should do it. let's blow this place. i'll just save these for next year. don't worry. i'm peeing, i'm peeing. donna, stand in front of me. ah... how are we gonna come up with $1,100 by saturday? well, you are on a street corner.

hot dog stand? kinda. rallo, check this out! let me see that. hmm, that's a capital "l." la, la, low... loo-loo... that's a "s." looks like a snake, goes like sss... los... tee-tee. loosst. lost. lost! "d." d... it says "lost dog." i wanted to do it! and they're offering a $50 reward! there's a bunch of 'em. grab as many as you can, junior. that's how we're gonna get mama's money. we'll be dog bounty hunters! or we could play bass in this guy's band. i don't want to be in styx. (knocking) hey, tubby, we're back from vegas. so, did you have fun with "cool robert"? hell, yeah. did you know there's a hepatitis j? (chuckles) vegas is crazy. (laughs) oh, i know.

i went to the m&m store once. yeah, we got real crazy. so crazy that we decided to make him and me official. you got married? what? hell no. that would be ridiculous. i adopted him. he's my son now. what?! i've always wanted a son i could point to and say, "see that man over there in the tracksuit? "that's my son, my boy, my spawn. no one wears a tracksuit like my son." you've never seen me in my romper. i'll go get it. (sighs) come on, cool son. let's go rustle up a few hustles. uh, donna, get my back snaps? they're gone, cleveland. my bottom's cold. (groans)

[ sirens blaring ] [ buzzer sounds ] [ gasps ] ♪ ♪ [ man ] 2 minutes left in the 4th, miami leads by 2. [ cameras clicking, sneakers squeaking ] [ sirens blaring ] [ buzzer sounds ] [ gasps ] ♪

dad, good news. i was able to resew the tapestry into what i must admit is a smart messenger bag. (groans) 'sup, doughbro? papa freight train, we playing poker or what? poker? deal me in. oh, i almost forgot. i hus-tul-ed today.

i asked for a water at a fast-food restaurant and i filled it with lemonade, got caught, apologized, now i can't go back to chipodle. i'm out. it's kind of late; you've had a few. why don't you just crash in the guest room? gracio, pop. you don't have a guest room. yeah, we do, the one with the race car bed and the plastic sheets. that sounds like my bed. i lost my virginity in that bed. my masturbational virginity. in a moment of fumble-handed confusion while playing my atari 2600. don't touch my laverne & shirley puzzle! i've been working on it for 36 years. you shouldn't be in here at all. dad said i could stay here. there's only room for one son in this family. yeah, well then, bye-bye. falc you! pew! pew! pew! pew! (in slow motion) no...!

98 pieces. i'll be dead before i finish it. (screams) who got puzzle all over this floor? he did. it was justified. he was shooting me with little millennium falcon disceses. that's an outside toy! now both of you, go to bed. both: but, dad... no buts! butts are what i'm gonna kick if you two punks don't straighten out. see what you did? you did. he's right. it's an outside toy and a choking hazard. and that puzzle did look hard. both: man, i could use a drink. i know where my dad keeps his schnapps. what about gin? nah, gin makes me cry. (whispering): quiet, you'll wake up dad. what's he use this room for? he writes mystery novels under the name jocelyn elderwood. (giggling)

i'm going to tell you a secret right now that i've never told anybody. (clears throat) i've never danced for my father. also, he hates me. teach me. teach me how to impress my dad. how to hus-tul. you mean, "hustle"? no, "hus-tul." there's a "t." you're missing the "t." that's the problem with you; you play by the rules. the only rule of hustling is there are no rules. then how do you know whose turn it is? (sighs) you've got a lot to learn, little bro. as long as it's not reading or writing cursive, i'm your man. (barking) i heard you found my dog. which one is it? bark. bark. where's our 40 bucks? you didn't read the flier closely. it said, "40 barks." here you go. both: bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark...

ah, forget it. we'll never make enough by saturday. junior, check this out. (cash register dings) 5,000 bucks! this is our way out, junior. beat it, poor people's dogs. we're moving up to a better clientele. don't i know you? i know, i know. i get that a lot, but i'm not him. (train horn blowing in distance) (beeping) cool, a forklift! what is this place? this is hustle house. or should i say, your classroom. over here, we've got 600 boxes of hollowed-out soap. perfect hustle. it runs out after two days, and by then, you're long gone. (laughs) i'd kill to get in on that hustle. over there, you got your weenie pills, enlargers, pumps, your various penile miscellany. all right, cleveland, first, i'm putting you on quality control.

we're gonna watch this bootleg chinese version of the hangover. i am typical fat and lazy american who have no chance of surviving when china take over! (both laugh) a bologna suit. why do we wait so long to do the things we know will make us happy? now, here's what we're gonna do. we're gonna roll you down this hill, and then... (dogs snarling, cleveland jr. screaming) oh, my god! rock hudson! we're rich! (laughs) stop that. stop that. why are you licking me? ah, you must like me more than bologna. (chuckles) but i don't care how cute you are, you're nothing but a dollar sign to me. all right, i love you. (screaming) hey, you found rock hudson! (screaming) (giggling): ooh...

that's badass. i've always wanted to look like an italian or armenian or arab guy. or black guy. or black guy. robert (ringtone): yo, you got a call. what up? whoa, that is a big hustle. but i'm tied up all week. ooh! pick me! i'll get back to you. what am i gonna do? i need someone i can trust, like... a brother. uh, robert. i don't know, man. this is the big leagues. we're talking a three, possibly four-figure deal. no way! come on, let me be a legitimate hustler like you so my dad loves me. you really want to dance for your father, don't you? (sighs) a'ight, go to our satellite office in the back of the old gun shop in pittsburgh. everything you need to know is in here. i won't let you down, bro. i trust these instructions aren't in cursive? you are hustling your brother, no? yes. yes, i am.

and this is just the beginning. (laughing maniacally)

one bite... ♪ ...is like no bite you've ever tasted before. it's a whole new way to love mcdonald's. ♪

tubby, what are you doing bothering me-- whoa. that's a nice tracksuit. oh, this new highly flammable thing? just hitting the road. (knuckles crack)

got my hustles. hmm. when you get back, i want to hear about them. i'd... i'd like that. may i dance for you? not yet. oh, hey, junior. i was gonna ask you something. what was it? oh, yeah. where the hell's my money?! you said i had till saturday. is that what i said, larry? w-why do you have larry? we were just talking about how disappointed i would be if i didn't get to perform on saturday at that new car dealership. miss donna, we're on the verge of a big score... don't verge me! i need that recorder, junior! my ducats is due! (laughs) (sighs) cleveland brown, badass hustler. give me some skin. where's your purell? now, you're gonna be delivering phony autographed head shots for display in dry cleaners across the country.

(whistles) erin gray. hey, robert. i'm done with my hustles. robert: you went to 30 dry cleaners already? i thought that would take you all week. i hustled. (laughs) all right, i'll think of some more and get back at you. okay! bye! okay, nice work. thanks for your help. i have no idea how anyone would know where to go, but you're welcome. hey, brother, i'm done here, so i'm heading back. also, i can't poop anywhere but home; i'm about eight pounds over where i was. robert: hold up, i got something else for you. kim kardashian wore a goose coat at the fat armenian awards. now everybody wants a goose coat. so, you're heading up north to canada to pick up 400 geese. (sighs) canada. free health care. mm, finally get this ankle looked at.

(heartbeat thumping) rallo! we've got to find that dog and get our reward before your mom-- her words, not mine-- "beats the black off me." rallo? (dog whimpers) (gasps) my bone! it's you! duck. duck. duck. duck. goose! of course you're good at this. you're the inventors of the game. that's like playing chinese checkers against the czechs. what am i doing? chasing wild geese, it's like some wild-goose ch... son of a bitch! robert! okay, one more game. duck. duck. duck. lunchtime, rock. mama hasn't been to the store yet so all we got is pigs feet and baking soda.

rock hudson? rock hudson?! oh, my god! you looking for that dog? junior left with him about 40 minutes ago. if you walk slowly, you should be able to catch up to him. you're right! (doorbell rings) junior, wait! oh, hello. you must be here for the pool party. the ad implied you would be older. and thinner. and whiter. no, mr. waterman, sir. we found your dog and would like our $5,000 reward please. no, we're keeping him! actually, he's my wife's dog. i can't stand the little bastard. he barks at all my guests. the sweaty delivery man i invited in for a shower. the sweaty gardener i invited in for a shower. the sweaty fireman... we get it. i keep leaving the door open so he'll run away, but he keeps finding his way back. don't you, you little rooster-blocker? (growls) so, sounds like it might be worth something to you

if you never saw this dog again. are you extorting me? i would never... (barking) all right, fine! here's everything in my wallet. $5,000 and a picture of pat sajak at the beach? i'm keeping this. i love you, rock hudson. don't say that! you know how many people died not too long after saying that? oh, my god! larry! you gonna die, jungle cat! wait! oh, you made it, just in time. (playing "when the saints go marching in") keep your head down around here, rock. mama crazy. (barks) (tires screech) cable installer? but that's my awful job! (tires screech) terry! who have you been working with this week? robert. what's his last name? i don't know. oh, my god! that's him!

guys, has anyone been in here drinking with you this week? yeah, robert has. no! this can't be happening! wait, that hasn't been cleveland sitting here? (speaking japanese) yeah. lobert. no...! so, every time the dealership sold another hatchback, obviously, i played this. (playing "the farmer in the dell") there you are, brother! i thought i might find you here... oh, cute dog. you tricked me! you're trying to steal my life! cleveland, what are you talking about? he hustled me! you hustled yourself. but more accurately, i hustled you. but why? look at your life, fool. you have everything. you always did. you had the coolest dad in town. the baddest mom. you had a damn millennium falcon. you think i had a millennium falcon growing up? you don't think i wanted to run around going,

"pew! pew! pew!" all i had was an old pair of pants i found in the woods. corduroy? and look at your ass today-- dinner on the table, laundry done, drinking every night and coming home to have sex with a woman you ain't even got to hold down. this is the real hustle house. and you're the real hustler. wait a minute, robert. you hustled your own brother? you don't hustle family. i'm disappointed in you, son. but, dad... don't you sass me. get over here! (grunting) no! no! i'm sorry, dad! i'm sorry! (crying): oh... oh, it hurts! (crying) ha, ha! ha, ha! and he went in your liquor cabinet. i got it made. i'm the coolest hustler in this town. you heard robert say so himself, dad. so, i guess i finally earned your respect. i'm not saying you earned my respect, but you may dance for me. (crying) (playing "private dancer") oh, it hurts!

cleveland: i would never dance for my father again. captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org with verizon's share everything plan, connect your world of devices to one simple plan. smartphones, tablets, cameras, and more. because when you connect more, you can do more. share everything on the powerful network. only from verizon. add additional devices like the samsung galaxy camera for $5 monthly access. get the new $3 six-inch select. this month, it's the black forest ham. and, get the bacon, egg, and cheese featured $5 footlong™, too. both made the way you say, starting at 7am. subway. eat fresh®.

(bird cawing) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, grampa shouts)

d'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) announcer: in a world, in a hemisphere, in a continent, in a country, in a state, in a city, in a neighborhood, in a street, in a house, in a living room, five heroes would be called. ♪ to tackle the most dangerous quest of their lives. let's sit on that couch. ♪ they're in.

and in retrospect, city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at santa's village. in other news, we're about to go live to mr. burns' announcement of his annual rate hike. springfielders are about to find out how much their electricity bills will go up. i'm being told that mr. burns is approaching the lectern now. apparently there are a few stairs he's struggling to climb. he's up the stairs but is now being buffeted by the breeze. and they've put some rocks in his pocket and... we're ready to go. to decide how much your electricity bills will rise, i've assembled a team of distinguished economists