president of the united states, joe biden! [applause] [cheers and applause] >> thank you, thank you, thank

you! do you think your irish grandparents art -- my great, great grandparents got here in 1846. want to thank you for the warm welcome. please, not so loud! donald was listening. i kind of like that, i may use that again. sleepy don. kelly o'donnell, thank you for having me. but kelly o, let's be honest, you are way too young to be president. it has been a year since i delivered this beach and my wife jill with me tonight was worried how i would do. i told her, don't worry. it is just like riding a bike.

she said, that's what i'm worried about. [laughter] of course, the 2024 election is in full swing and yes, age is an issue. i am a grown man. running against a six-year-old. well, i feel great, i really feel great. i am campaigning all over the country. pennsylvania, georgia, north carolina. we have done well in the original 13 colonies. and speaking of history, did you hear what donald just said about the civil war battle? oh, gettysburg, wow! [laughter] >> donald trump speech was so embarrassing the statue of robert e. lee surrendered again. but look, age is the only thing

we have in common. my vice president actually endorses me. [cheers and applause] i had a great -- since the state of the union. donald has had a few tough days lately. you might call it, stormy weather. what the -- donald trump is so desperate he started reading the bible's he is selling. he got to the first commandment, you shall have no other god before me -- that is when he put it down and said, this book is not for me. look, here is a reminder. folks think what is going on in congress is political theater. it is not true.

if congress was theater they would have thrown out -- a long time ago. to all of my friends in the press, and fox news -- somebody complained that i don't take enough of your questions. no comment. of course, the new york times issued a statement lasting me for "actively avoiding independent journalist." if that is what it takes to have the new are times call me active and effective, i'm all for it. it is ok. [applause] i have hired higher standards. [indiscernible] i know you are looking around

and saying this guy has been doing this for 50 years. he has had his moment. give someone else a chance. to say that i say, ignore the critics. ignore the critics. 8 comedians have played me over the years on saturday night live. who says i am not a real job creator? look, loren has had even more comedians and actors joke about me like the funny guy in weekend update, michael shea. he is hilarious. scarlett johansson, you did such an incredible job in your state of the union bravado that you should be doing weekend update. clearly, you are the funny one. on a serious note, on the issue

of marrying up, colin and i have something in common. i spent time with his family in the oval office. his mom is an incredible woman. a family of firefighters and the chief medical new york city. as a doctor, she rushed to ground zero risking her own life , treating and saving fellow first responders. rushing into danger for others is my definition of patriotism and heroism. [applause] and that is what all of you do when you report truth overlies. and that is why i want to close tonight with my genuine thanks to the free press. there are some that call you the enemy of the people. that is wrong and dangerous.

you literally risk your lives doing your job. [applause] you do. covering everything including natural disasters, the pandemic wars and so much more. some of your colleagues have given their lives and many have suffered grievous injuries. other reporters have lost their freedom. journalism is clearly not a crime. not here, not they are, not anywhere in the world. [applause] we are doing everything we can to bring home journalists, fellow journalists and all-americans like paul whelan. wrongfully detained all over the world. we are not going to give up until we get them all home. all of them. [applause]

on the third anniversary of january 6 i went to valley forge and i said the most urgent question of our time is whether democracy is still the sacred cause of america. that is the question the american people must answer this year. and you, there free press, play a critical role in making sure the american people have the information they need to make an informed decision. but the former president has made no secret of his attack on our democracy. he has said he wants to be a dictator since day one. he tells reporters he wants revenge and retribution. when on god's earth have you ever heard of president say that before any promises a bloodbath when he loses again. we have to take this seriously. eight years ago we could have just written it off as just

trump talk but no longer, not after january 6. i am sincerely not asking you to take sides but i'm asking you to rise up to the seriousness of the moment. work past the numbers, the gotcha moments and the distractions in the sideshows. which have come to dominate and sensationalize our politics. focus on what is at stake. in your hearts, you know what is at stake. this takes could not be any higher. every single one of us has a serious role to play in making sure that american democracy and doors. i have my role but in all -- with all due respect, so do you. in the age of credible information that people can trust is more important than ever and that means you -- and that makes you more important than ever. so tonight, i would like to make a toast. to a free press, two informed

citizenry, to an america where freedom and democracy and doors -- god bless america! [applause] now, i'm going to turn over to kelly and then you will hear from a real comedian. i think i know what i am in for. colin jost has taken aim at me before. like saying after winning the south carolina primary that biden barely edged out his closest rival, time. colin, when i win, i'm going to have a lot of time and i'm going to be watching, pal! kelly, back to you. [applause] >> thank you very much. thank you.

[applause] >> thank you, mr. president. thank you's so very much for being here and for your work and support of journalists. and now we turn to our headline entertainer, colin jost. colin brings the excitement of his own charisma and talent but his guests are strictly a list. i've been watching this evening as many of you have been trying to get a selfie and hoping to get close to a special woman who is a big, big star in colin's life, his mother, dr. carrie kelley. and i know scarlet agrees that his mother is a star in her own right. she spent nearly four decades at the new york fire department. she was the first female chief medical officer and her service included 9/11 where she led

triage efforts. so dr. kelly, we thank you for your good work and as his mother, you know -- yes, dr. kelly, and mr. jost, as you know, he shares a lot in common with many of us here tonight. we are all fans of scarlett johansson. [cheers and applause] so for a moment i'm going to take you back to when colin himself was a reporter for the esteemed publication at regis high school. the towel. -- the owl. a youngcolin jost scoop, 10 ways on how not to start an english paper. and in this reporting on faculty summer plans. then and now, he is at the core

of talented writers which is why we wanted him here tonight. he is the longest-serving anchor of weekend update on saturday night live. are you ready? are you ready? it is my thrilled to welcome colin jost! [cheers and applause] >> thank you, everyone. hello. that was hard-hitting journalism we saw. i did not know you were going to show that from high school. you cannot do it for president biden because the technology was not invented when he was in high school. [laughter] good evening, everyone. i am colin jost and i will be

delivering the republican response. [applause] i don't have a lot of time. i need to get back to new york because i am juror number five on a big trial. trump's lawyer took one look at me and said, he has to be on our side. [laughter] thank you for that very kind introduction. mr. president, dr. biden, vice president harris, doug. [laughter] doug, as you can tell from all the comments about my wife, i am also used two being the second gentleman. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i am honored to be here hosting

what is according to swing state polls the final white house correspondents dinner. [laughter] i hope that tonight will be a night to remember for most of us. [laughter] i was excited to be up here on stage with president biden mostly to see if i could figure out where obama was pulling the strings from. [laughter] i have to admit, it is not easy following president biden. it is not always easy following what he is saying. [laughter] before i begin tonight, can we

just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the united states at an event that does not begin with the bailiff saying, "all rise." and i would like to point out it is after 10:00 p.m. sleepy joe is still awake while donald trump has spent the past week falling asleep in court every morning. fox news said he was just being anti-woke. [laughter] we are all here tonight at nerd prom. matt gaetz is at regular prom. [laughter]

i thought i saw matt gaetz here tonight but it was actually my own reflection in a spoon. [laughter] like many of you here tonight, i pretend to do news on tv. [laughter] my weekend co-anchor was going to join me here tonight but in solidarity with president biden, i decided to lose all of my black support. [laughter] they told me to say that and i am just realizing i was set up. [laughter] i have done "weekend update" for

a while now but i started out doing the actual news. my first job out of college was as a reporter for the staten island advance newspaper. [applause] they do not have a table here tonight. but they asked me to pass along this message to the other journalists in the room. you think you are better than me? [laughter] i want to point out, we had a daily circulation of 100,000. the washington post would kill for that. [laughter] as a former aspiring journalist, i want to genuinely congratulate all of the award winners here tonight. congratulations. [applause]

the correspondence association provides scholarships to promising young journalism students who may one day be sent off to cover dangerous geopolitical hotspots like columbia university. [laughter] tonight this event is being televised live on c-span. [applause] and if you are at home watching c-span on a saturday night, i hope they find your body soon. [laughter] before your cats get to it. there are so many incredible news organizations here tonight. also, a few credible ones. the washington post is here. [applause]

they were the ones taking your coats at the door. please be sure to tip. [laughter] fox news is here tonight. it is the end of an era. rupert murdoch steps down at fox news. which is strange, i did not think there was a step down from fox news. [laughter] trump media is here. not at a table. just screaming loudly in the corner to no one. wordle is here tonight. sorry. i meant the new york times. i forgot they do stuff in addition to puzzles. it is not a great sign when the only thing keeping a print media

company alive are games people play on their phones. too chilling for you guys? the room just froze faster than mitch mcconnell. [laughter] apologies to the times but as an staten island or, i still get all of my news from the new york post. thank you. the only paper where the front page always has the same two hundred point font whether it is world war iii will start tomorrow or central park owl de ad in collision. the new york post is like having the new york times summarized for you by a crackhead. the times will say, a border deal continues to evade congress and the post is like, these

mexicans are taking my stuff. [laughter] there are so many incredible individuals here tonight. lara trump is here tonight. ok. i got one whoo. she recently released her cover of the song "i won't that down." -- i won't back down." after hearing it, tom petty died again. i cannot believe i'm saying into a member of trump's family, but maybe stick to politics. [laughter] senator bernie sanders is here because he is not the type to pass up a free hot meal. [laughter] in general, there are so many

hard-working influential senators and congresspeople here tonight and i just want to say on behalf of everyone i know, stop emailing us. [laughter] stop it. we get it. democracy is on the line. and your plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like you are crate & barrel. it is also wonderful to be back in washington. i love being in washington. last time i was in washington, d.c. i left my cocaine at the white house. luckily the president was able to put it to good use for his state of the union. [laughter] i'm kidding. of course, the president does not call it cocaine. he calls it high-speed rails.

[laughter] by the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? you must be exhausted orchestrating four separate trials against rivals, reading the super bowl and gearing up to steal a second election. wow. [laughter] i love that trump's two attacks on president biden is that he is a senile old man and a criminal mastermind. [laughter] i think you gotta pick one. personally, i don't know any criminal mastermind who buy ice cream. also it is not like trump is young and sharp.

i am not saying both candidates are old but you know jimmy carter is out there thinking, i could maybe win this thing. [cheers and applause] he is only 99. [laughter] there is an election. there is an election six extremely long months from now so let me see if i can summarize where this race stands at this moment. the republican candidate for president owes half $1 billion in fines for bank fraud and is currently spending his days fighting himself awake during a porn star hush money trial and the race is tied? [laughter] the race is tied.

nothing makes sense anymore. the candidate who was a famous new york city playboy took abortion rights away and the guy who is trying to give you your abortion rights back is an 80-year-old catholic. how does that make sense? [cheers and applause] by the way, president biden, isn't it crazy that he is only our second catholic president? in just a few short months, we will have our third in rfk junior. i am kidding. like his vaccine card says, he does not have a shot. everything feels strange now. by a lot of measures, president biden is having a very successful first term but people do not seem to realize it.

like with the economy. the vibes are bad but the numbers stay strong. the economy is kind of like you on the steps of air force one. it feels like it is stumbling but there is somehow upward progress. [laughter] i do think that you could do more on the economy. i really do. for example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by shorting trump's stock? people keep asking if our lives are better than they were four years ago. of course they are. four years ago we did not have online sports gambling. what more do you need? that is probably what is keeping the economy afloat.

online gambling and taylor swift. without those, we'd be in a recession right now. the problem is people are always going to compare your first term to obama's. i think there are a lot of positive similarities. you both made big strides in healthcare. obama got us out of a recession. you got us out of a pandemic. obama got bin laden. you got oj. [laughter] now that oj is dead, who is the new front rather -- front runner for trump's vp? is it diddy? if trump did select diddy as his running mate, i bet this race would still be tied. i think even some democrats say

that they are underwhelmed but i think that they are just not living in reality. manage your expectations, people. it is like tonight. we all wish we were at the waldorf right now. but we are at the washington hilton. and we have to make the best of it. just be happy you are not at the airport hilton. journalists, these are challenging times and we need the people in this room to guide us. your jobs are not easy and it does not help that we are leaving -- living at the end of traditional media. the gatekeepers are god. did you know that 90% of people get their news exclusively from social media? that must be true because i saw it in a random guys tiktok. he was recording a video while driving a toyota corolla but he

seemed to know his stuff. isn't it crazy that tiktok could be outlawed in the u.s. by the end of this year? that is a real shame because we will need tiktok to document who is storming the capital next january 6. [laughter] things are not bad for everyone. this may be the worst time in history to be a journalist. it is the best time in history to be a courtroom sketch artist. my god. the most famous man on earth is on trial and there is no cameras allowed. just the artist, their pastels and their desire to make trump look as bad as possible. every sketch looks like the grinch had sex with the lorax.

[laughter] in closing, [laughter] i would like to take a moment to recognize all of the print journalists in this room. your words speak truth to power. your words bring light to the darkness. most importantly, your words train the ai program that will soon replace you. [laughter] finally, i wanted to thank my family and i wanted to thank my friends for being here tonight to support me. i want to thank my wife for enduring lots of jokes and for agreeing to individually meet everyone in this room right after the ceremony.

that is really special, honey. thank you. don't be shy. come right up. she hates privacy. [laughter] with my family in mind, i wanted to share one last thing with you before i go and i wanted to share one thing with you mr. president before i go. i lost my grandfather this year as you alluded to, a firefighter, william kelly. he is the reason why my son's middle name is william. he helped raise me growing up and i would not be here today without him. my grandpa was a firefighter on staten island for 40 years. to make extra money for his family he was a substitute teacher and he painted houses. i should point out it is not like the store's he irishman

painting houses. he was not a mafia hitman. he actually painted houses. the fbi is here. i don't want to start a whole thing. my grandfather was another rare irishman who did not drink because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism. i swear, mr. president, this is not an age comparison. you remind me of him. some of your best qualities remind me of him. i will say he was 95 and he was still great at stairs. [laughter] i think it is because he did not try to run up them. [laughter]

but the reason that i bring up my grandfather and i don't know if you know but staten island's firefighters are not normally your demographic. staten island voted about 70 percent for trump and the other 30% was for giuliani. staten island also sided with the british during the revolutionary war. so we are not always on the right side of history. you remember. [laughter] my grandfather, a staten island firefighter, voted for you, mr. president. [applause] he voted for you in the last election that he ever voted in.

i am sure someone else will vote twice in this election using his name, but that is just how the democratic machine works. [laughter] he voted for you and the reason that he voted for you is because you are a decent man. [laughter] [applause] my grandpa voted for decency and decency is why we are all here tonight. decency is how we are all able to be here tonight. [applause] decency is how we are able to make jokes about each other and one of us does not go to prison after. we go to the newsmax after party. [laughter]

when you look at the levels of freedom throughout history and even around the world today, this is the exception. this freedom is incredibly rare and the journalists in this room help protect that freedom and we cannot ever take that for granted. mr. president, i thank you for your decency on behalf of my grandfather and i thank all of you, almost all of you, for your decency as well. i am very honored and grateful that you invited me here tonight. thank you and good night. [applause]